Thursday, September 30, 2010

Standing In Awe At Her Light

Dear Theresa,

You are such a phenomenal woman. Sometimes I just sit back & watch you & I'm in awe. I watch as in this past year you have lost everything: your mom, your business, a relationship & the home & family that you had created for yourself. Your whole entire life is in upheaval right now, & as someone who loves you, it is so difficult to watch.

Theresa & Me Mother's Day 2010 Cropped & Texted (4X6) @ WM

With everything you are going through, it just amazes me to see the light that radiates within you. Oh, how God has touched you with His beautiful light & it shines so bright. Your strength is incredible to witness, as I know, without doubt, that others in your situations have not been so strong & quite honestly - who would blame them?

As your friend, I feel privilege to witness this journey you are on. I know that God has an incredible plan for you, & His plan is far greater than both of us could ever truly imagine. I know first hand how difficult it is to trust God, especially in such low times, but I also know that it is in times of great difficulty that God loves us more (if that is even possible).

Watching you shine in these dark times makes me smile. My life is so much more blessed bc you are in it. I love being around you bc being around you is so easy do. Your energy, light & love are infectious. And, quite honestly, every time I talk to you or see you, I am always left in a better place, even if the place you found me in was great.

Theresa & Me 7.24.10 @WM

I want to thank you for being such an incredible friend to me. You have stood by me in my darkest times - showing up automatically without being asked. Holding my hand, standing by me, giving me hugs & loving me through my own difficult times, even when it is hard for you to do.

You have even crossed bridges for me. Now, that's amazing! {:)

So, yes - I know He has plans for us. Just like I know that he smiled upon us the day we became friends. Who knew that a class that we both began over a year & a half ago would have such an amazing impact on our lives not just by the simple nature of the class, but bc that is where our friendship began?

And that our friendship would grow over over months, thousands of miles apart, thousands of text & many well wishes & prayers? And isn't it just amazing, by the looks of it, that God can change our oustides to match who we truly are on the inside? How He can transform us through our hard work, our struggles & bless us beyond our dreams.

Theresa & Me 9.27.10 @WM

So, my friend, I thank you. For everything you have done for me. For loving me. For blessing me. For letting me love you & your family. Thank you for being my best friend & standing by me through it all.

I love you. Always.
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Saturday, September 18, 2010

Checking In At 2 AM

Dear Linette,

I'm doing okay I guess. I really appreciate you checking in on me. It means so much to me. My days are long & exhausting my nights are even longer. There is no doubt I am in shock. Still numb. Who knew the shock could last this long? I certainly didn't.

I have lost a lot of weight. One of my best friends, Stacey, saw me yesterday & she was at Dad's funeral just mere weeks ago & she says she thinks I have loss 20 to 25 pounds or so, but I don't know for certain. It's not that I'm not eating, it's more like I am overwhelmed by the smallest things of everyday life. Like food, clothes, crowds, & I can make big decisions without question, but it is the small ordinary everyday decisions that overwhelm me the most.

I find myself thinking that I'm missing something. Something that I just can't seem to put my finger on. Often at times I feel I should be doing something like go to the hospital or call to check on him, but then I remember. They say it's totally normal to feel this. And deep down I know this to be true, as I am no stranger to grief at all.

Some days I can barely function & I find myself going through the motions of things automatically like on auto pilot. A lot of the time I feel numb, almost as if I am waking from a deep sleep & not fully awake or aware of my surroundings yet.

Losing a parent is different though. So drastically different. It feels as if I lost half my identity or something, Like half a foundation or at the very least half my history. I am not as close to my Dad's side of the family as I have always longed to be, so in a way I feel as if I lost them too.

Bc my dad left nothing in writing, I find myself asking if I am doing the right thing & wondering if I am going to screw things up or miss a step.

Well, I guess I should be going as it is almost 2:30 AM on Saturday morning. I think I may post this letter to you on my blog as an entry bc I have been finding it difficult to not only blog but to write things that make sense. If you would like to stop by there sometime, there is a picture of my Dad on there as well, as my Aunt Elaine.

A big thank you goes out to you & Tim for keeping us in your prayers. We miss you so very much, me especially. Say Hello to Tim for me & give Ester a kiss & hug for me.

In Love & Friendship,

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Friday, September 17, 2010

Stream of Consciousness: Longing

My days are long, my nights are even longer.

I just want to wake from this dream for I must be dreaming. I am *still* numb. Very much in a daze, just trying to figure out why my life is so foreign to me now.

Then, I remember.

Dad is gone. Aunt Elaine is gone.

Grief has set in, but the shock still not gone. Who knew that it could last this long. I had no clue.

I keep thinking to myself that I should be doing something. Something more. Like being at a hospital. Or calling to check on someone to make sure things are okay. Or picking up stuff from the store. Or answering computer questions. Or playing some game with enthusiasm.

Enthusiasm, what's that? Seriously, there are times when my brain is numb. Like when you wake from a deep sleep but are not fully aware just quite yet.

And my friends they are there. They are not. Well, that is to say that some are & some are not. Strange how I would just be there without someone having to reach out, if it were my friend. Yet, I cannot & do not expect others to be me.

There are some days where I just long for someone to reach out bc, honestly, I don't have the strength. Yet, there are some days where I reach out & am disappointed when there is no reaching back.

What do people want from me?

I long to be hugged. I long to be held. I just want to be held. I just want to be in a safe enough place to cry. Something is missing. Something is wrong. Something is missing in the world, & everything feels different.

Right now, I very much feel like I'm that scared little girl who is just longing to be held... a little girl lost... a little girl longing for her Daddy.

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Thursday, September 16, 2010

Stop The World

It still feels like I am moving in slow motion. The world spinning entirely too fast & life moving on while I am standing still trying to figure out what in the world just happened to my life.

Just make it stop. Slow down. So I can hear You. I know You are here. And I know, beyond it all, I am loved.

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Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Letter To A Treasured Friend

My Dearest Deanna,

I have wanted to write you for sometime now. And for some reason I miss you terribly today. I've been thinking about you a lot these past couple of weeks. Seven years seem way too long to not see or talk to someone who was once your best friend. It is strange how some people just drift apart for no apparent reason at all & then so much time passes & then months turn into years.

You would be so proud of me. I am so different from when we last saw each other. I no longer have depression &, Dee, I'm happy in my life. I love my husband Jake & we have been trying for a family for 3 years now. We haven't had a easy marriage, but we stick it out & know that with each other & God we can make it through anything. I so love him deeply & don't know what I would do without him, & I know for a fact he feels the same.

Mom & I have a good relationship now (at least it is so much better than the one before) that I am out of the house & let me tell you just how great forgiveness is. A couple of years ago, I told her, "Mom, you were the best Mom you knew how to be when you knew how to be it." Forgiveness is such an incredible thing, but honestly, I think it has done more for me than it has for her.

I would tell you about my Dad too, but right now I'm at a loss of words about him. See, he died just over a month ago on Aug 13th. My world has been turned upside down & flipped around & it is unlike any other loss grief I have ever felt. Then to add to it, my mom's friend of over 40 years, whom I loved like an aunt, died 9 days later & I buried them 7 days apart.

I can honestly say that I'm still numb & that's okay for right now. The emotions will come when they come & I'm just holding onto my faith, reaching out to friends & hoping they reach back. Honestly, though, even if they don't - I know that God will give me what I need when I need it & surround me with the perfect people & support when the time comes.

I am so glad that you & Chris are married & am delighted to see your love & family grow. I couldn't be more happy for you. I have often thought about you guys over the years & hoped that you were doing well. I am not sure where you are living at the moment, but I would love to see you & catch up or something of the sort.

I hope this letter finds you healthy & happy & know that even though the years have passed, you will always find a friend in me. You can always call me, text me, write me whatever. I will always be here for you. After all, that's what a best friend does, even if we drifted apart over the years.

Deanna, you were such a wonderful friend to me, even when I really didn't deserve such the incredible friend you were to me. You saw me through some really horrible & dark times in my life & I I'll always have such gratitude for the love you have shown me. So, let me take this time to tell you thank you for everything you have done for me bc it has help make me the person I am today.

And as always, I love you.

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Sunday, September 12, 2010

Saying Sundays: Look Deeply

“If you look deeply into the palm of your hand, you will see your parents and all generations of your ancestors. All of them are alive in this moment. Each is present in your body. You are the continuation of each of these people."

Thich Nhat Hanh
Vietnamese Monk, Activist and Writer

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Friday, September 3, 2010

21 Days

Dear Dad,

It's been three weeks since you left us, or 21 days, which ever way I say it - it does not matter - it still sucks.

My phone is so quiet, it is maddening. I miss your calls, I miss your voice. I miss your never ending list of things that you want from the stores. I miss your questions, about everything. I miss your never ending knowledge & frustration & enthusiasm for the online game we always played together.

I am sad you're gone, but everything seems so complicated now. Why in the hell didn't you put anything in writing? I'm so angry that you didn't, but to tell you the truth, I can't even worry about dealing with any anger or anything I feel right now, there is still so much to be done.

I am still going through life numb. I don't know how long this will last, but something tells me I shouldn't question it. It was just so hard getting everything in your apartment taken care of just a mere 14 days after your death. That was just last Friday. I didn't even have time to think straight.

And do you think I knew that Aunt Elaine would die only 9 days after you? Or be buried exactly 7 days after you were buried? Who could know that? Who could even be prepared for that? Who can even comprehend that? Not me.

I can't even grasp that you are gone.

I am going through the motions. In a fog. Amazed that time passes like it does. Where did the rest of August go? Can it really be September already? With Fall right around the corner? What the hell?

I know you always said, "Don't cry for me when I am gone. When it's my time, it's my time." But seriously? Emotion is emotion & I know it's perfectly okay to cry, especially when grieving. So why can't I cry? Instead I get overwhelmed & always tell people I am scared. What the hell is that about?

Gosh, I miss you. Why did you leave me with so many questions, yet again.

Love, Your Little Girl,

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Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Someone Please

I am feeling slightly overwhelmed.

I hate this. Everything about these tough days suck. They really do. I seem fine one minute & then the next I am completely overwhelmed.

I still have not cried.

You would think that losing my dad, I would be able to cry. All I can really think is how I still feel numb & am trying to wrap my brain around the fact that my world has shattered.

In time, the tears will come. I may not be crying, but I'm very much grieving. It's just manifesting in different ways.

Losing Dad & Aunt Elaine so close together is almost too difficult to comprehend.

I feel lost. So lost. So very, very lost.

Someone please help me.

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