Missing In Action

So, I haven't quite been MIA, but how come I feel I have? There's just so much going on, sometimes it makes my head spin. Not that there is so much to do, but rather that I just got a lot going on I feel I just can't keep myself straight with all my thoughts & feelings swirling around in my head.

It is quite overwhelming.

In the past week or so, I've started 3 post that I just can't seem to finish. My heart is just not that into it, so there they sit until my heart catches up or I catch my breath - either way.

While I deeply love my husband, I must admit we aren't seeing eye to eye right now. It's not that we are fighting bc we are not. More so, that I feel we are not on the same page with a lot of things at the moment. He thinks everything is dandy, I on the other hand do not.

As a wife, I feel unheard, unsupported, & yes, even unloved. There is so much in a marriage that does not have to do with physical affection. As a man, I'm sure - yes, absolutely sure - that he would be quite fine with just connecting on a physical level, while I, on the other hand, need so much more. So, so, much more.

This doesn't help matters any that I'm already feeling disconnected in other areas of my life at the moment. I feel nothing is gelling with me. I am in the middle of grieving - not just for Mandy, but for other things & people too (some of which have stayed unwritten on here as of yet). I am not feeling connected to my family as much as I would love to be. Nor I feeling connected to Jake's family for that matter.

The one thing - & only thing - I feel I have going for me at the moment is my connection to God & my church, & to be completely honest - I am - & have for not only weeks now, but months -have been feeling so discontent & disconnected there.

I absolutely love my church. It is truly beyond words how I feel about it. It is the most accepting place ever & has hands down been the only church I have truly loved. It has been the longest one I have attended regularly too. Well, with out years upon years of gaps in between for whatever reason.

I just feel that there is something missing for me. A deeper connection to the people that I'm not getting. I want that genuine connection that I'm not sure is there, not anymore. Truthfully, there are very few at the moment that I feel I can be completely unedited genuine with. There has to be more to this. There just has to be.

So, why haven't I left yet? It's is neither that easy nor that simple. Nothing in life ever is. First, is where I love to be. When all else fails, I can always connect there. I am happiest when I'm taking pictures there. Seeing things that others don't through the lens of my camera. I see things like this, just sitting in the sanctuary -right during service.

Second, I truly love the people. Some of the most amazing people I have met in life, I have met there. Even if many of them don't attend the church anymore. They don't stop being amazing, bc they go to another church now.

And hands down, I have grown the most & been given a true opportunity to question, explore, grow & enhance my connection with God there. And reflecting back on it - although it has not at all been easy - it has been life altering & I could not & would not change that for anything.

So, why am I trying so hard to stick it out there? Not look for another church, that may be a better fit for me, when I feel so disconnected & truly believe on some level that may be it is time to move on? Well, it's bc of how disconnected I feel. Say what? Isn't that what I've been saying all along? Well, yes. Sort of.

If I leave now, & trust me it is scary to me how close I have become to doing so, I may never know how I truly feel. Is it I feel disconnected at my church or I'm I just feeling that about life right now? What if I leave, sever ties, - like I did before in another place & time in my life -& don't look back, & it's not so much my church as it is me?

What if the problem is I'm just going through a rough season & among a myriad of emotions discontent is one of them & it's spilling over into how I feel about my church? It's been known to happen.

So, here I sit at nearly 5 AM, feeling like I'm missing something. Something I should be getting. That I am truly MIA, just waiting to be found.

Lost Without You

Dear Mandy,

Just a quick note before I go off to church. I've been up all night unable to stop thinking about you. I wish I had words to tell others how I feel, but I don't think they would understand even if I did.

Today, the tears flow freely, as they have for most of the night. This should make for an interesting church service. You know how I hate to cry in front of lots of people. I'll just have to suck it up & deal. I'll get over it. I just can't seem to want to inhibit tears as much as before. Either it's not wanting or not caring. Either way... who cares?

Gosh, I just seem so lost with you. How am I supposed to live without you here? For whatever reason these past days have been tough. And I don't want to act like nothing is wrong. I'm not depressed in general, just sad that you aren't here. And I don't need to get over it or just find something to fill my time or think happy thoughts.

Grief should not in anyway be dismissed or tossed aside, but acknowledged & validated.

But, hey, what do I know? It's not like I'm an expert or anything, just bc I've lost everybody under the sun & then some. Go figure.

Love You.

Your BFF & Beyond,

Still

Dear Mandy,

I have no idea why I'm writing this letter. All I know is I miss you. With my whole entire being, I miss you. It's almost as if the day you died a part of my soul shattered - never be the same again.

I don't know why, but I found myself going through & rereading some of your e-mails today. And I believe that on some level you knew your time on earth was limited.

You know that I'm a healthy skeptic. I don't buy into a lot of things, but I do believe that you & your energy lives on. And not that I buy into all the Mediums & such, but I do believe that there are certain people who have certain gifts. And that things exist on a higher level in ways that we cannot even begin to comprehend.

For whatever reason I found myself looking for quotes by John Edward and found this, & it made me think of you:

"I believe that before anybody makes the journey to the other side, we have to know on a soul level that we are leaving, whether it's an accident or illness,and we prepare ourselves to a certain degree that we won't be there in the future."

Is that what it was like for you? Did you know you were leaving us? It's hard for me to grasp the concept that you didn't know on some level. Even harder to grasp that you've been gone for almost a year now. I want you back. I want everything to be the same.

I want to hear your voice. Go on errands with you. I want you to call late at night again worried bc your mom isn't home yet, & ask Jake to come help you get in bed & make me swear not to tell anyone bc your were afraid what people would think.

I worry about your mom. I talk to her as often as I can. Sometimes it is hard, for both of us. To say that her world has been turned upside down does not even come close to what has happened. You were her entire world. You know, you see - I believe that. I believe it bc I know it to be the truth.

Spring is near & I can't wait to see my first butterfly. Not that I need a butterfly to remind me of you. EVERYTHING reminds me of you. Last Sunday, Jake & I went to lunch with some friends from church, & afterwards we found ourselves walking around a local mall - the same one that we were in with you, so many times before.

It is surreal going to places that I've been with you. It is almost like it is too difficult to comprehend certain places existing without you. Hell, there are times I don't know just how I exist without you. Even now, almost a year later, there are times I wake up & you are the very first person I think of, still.

I can't help missing you. It's like a piece of me is gone. There are times when grief & my tears over take me. And that is okay. Bc at the very least it is something real. And feeling, whatever the feeling is, it is not a bad thing.

Jake & I listen to mixed CDs I created of contemporary Christian songs in the car all the time. One of them has the song, "Save A Place For Me" by Matthew West on it. This week, when I was missing you, I looked the video up on YouTube. It still reminds me of you. I think it always will.

You were so full of life. Never taking one single second for granted. And such an absolutely amazing friend. And I can only hope to live my life making the most of it, like you did. But that doesn't mean I don't miss you. Every day. Still.

Love Always,

Ten Months

Dear Mandy,

Can it really be ten months since you have gone from us? Still there are days that I can't wrap my brain around everything. Sometimes, I still think that I will wake & it will be a dream. No, a nightmare. There is so much I wish I would have said to you. Things that you know already, but I still wish I would have said. It doesn't make any difference now. I know that your love is still here. With me.

It isn't fair - for someone who loved life so much - that you are not here. I know there are so many things we wanted to do together & never got to do. So many places that we wanted to go together. You loved New York so much & I would have loved to be a tag along on one of your trips. Or one of the many cruises you took. So many missed days with you.

Sometimes, I miss you so much I just want to drop to my knees & scream out. If I could get off the floor without calling the firemen to safely help me up. Like when I fell yesterday & got a nasty (very painful) bruise on my arm. Some people would have a problem with calling 911, but whatever... it is what it is. Kinda like your death. It is what it is, but it doesn't make the hurt go away.

Some days are better than others. Today is not. I know I will see you again, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. It's a shame you missed the biggest historical blizzard of 2010. They are saying it is like the biggest storm in 100 years or something like that. My mom has said she has never seen snow like that since she has been alive. I want the Big Melt to happen fast so spring comes & you can send me butterflies again.

God, I miss you. It's not like I haven't lost people before. Best friends even. But you - you are different. Although to put in words just how & why you are different is impossible for me. Some days, I just don't know how I make it through. I hate that I'm crying so hard right now I can't breathe.

It sucks here without you. The world just isn't as bright without you.

Love, Your BFF & Beyond,

The Ghost of Christmas Past

I can honestly say there was a point when I didn't know just how this Christmas was going to turn out or, just simply put, how on earth would I make it through after having such a tough year - having lost so much.

I made it through though.

How? Well, it was easy wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. Sure, there were parts that were tough. A lot of tears shed, but that's not at all a bad thing, its all part of being human. And my thoughts were bombarded with thoughts of loved ones who were no longer here & the remnants of Christmas past.

Here's the thing about the past though: it's a great place to visit, but a horrible place to live.

So, I visit, & I am thankful - no matter how much bad stuff happens - for all the good stuff that has happened this year, choosing to focus on my blessings.

Reminding myself not what I have lost, but what I have & have gained this year. And that's made all the difference in the world.

Letters For Christmas

Dear Mandy,

My mind is consumed with thoughts of you. What is Christmas like in Heaven? Limited with my earthly vision, I cannot imagine the glorious & beautiful the celebration is there. My grief is unbearable today. Tears flow freely down nonstop. It still feels like a nightmare that I long to wake from - still.

It's hard to believe that it has been 7 months & two days since you've left us, exactly down the minute of this post. I wish there is something I could do to make the emptiness I feel to subside. It has been years since I have felt pain this deep. Even though I know that you are healed, healthy & happy in heaven, it doesn't make me miss you any less.

Everything about this season is difficult, even the shopping. I see you in everything & can't help but remember where we went to shop for Christmas last December, the errands we would run, the cards you sent, the presents for Pee Wee & Jesse that you would insist on buying - not knowing it would be the last Christmas season you would spend here on earth with us.

I wish I had the words to say how deeply & intense my feelings are today, but words like that just do not exists.

All of My Love,


Dear Momma Nancy,

Oh, how I miss you. My thoughts travel to your precious family & love ones left here. This season must be unbearable, especially for Heather, Daddy Don, & Corrinne. This grief for you is so new & fresh, I can't imagine how people are making it through.

It's funny how my grief is so deep bc it is impacted by each loss of this year, but all I can mange is to think of others who loved you & wondering how they are making it through this day, expecially since they also lost your mom 5 months before they lost you.

I am glad you are not in pain anymore. You fought so long & hard for so long. Now you are free of pain, but for those of us that are still down here on earth missing you as every second goes by, the pain still remains.

For someone who always seems to have words for everything, I can only think of one now...

Butterfly,

Taking No Prisoners

Sick.

Oh, how I hate being sick!

It's been something that I've been trying to prevent from happening for weeks now. I have failed & now I am paying for it.

I am not certain, but I must speculate that with me grieving my defenses were down, which made my body surrender to this cold.

And it is taking no prisoners & has never heard of mercy.

With this cold, with this grief, I am learning to take it one day at a time. Slowly learning to be still & listen. Bc for now, that's all that I can do... And that is enough for now.

Beauty

There is nothing easy about this. Today, in a few short hours, I will go to Momma Nancy's viewings, which seems like nothing but a bad dream that I long to wake from. Even as I write these words, they sound foreign & unfamiliar, though I have been here a million times before.

This day has been coming, but I wasn't prepared for it. How does one prepare for something like this? I can say without a doubt, God has been good to me. Through out the my life, He has blessed me with the most beautiful, incredible people.

I am so thankful.

Even though my heart is hurting, I am comforted by the fact that I will see her again up in Heaven, & it's not so much a Goodbye, but a see you soon - that is the beauty of grace & God.

Slow Motion

I am numb. The world around me is in slow motion.

I hate this all to familiar feeling that always occurs after the death of someone I love. This too will go away, replaced with a myriad of other feelings & thoughts that accompany grief. Even though I don't particularly like slow motion, I am thankful for it.

It has not hit me that she is gone, but I know it will. Probably in an oridinary moment or several of them. Whenever it may be, I know that the raw intense emotion will expose me. And I don't even care.

I will continue on - trying not to isolate, pull away & withdraw. Writing when I can, as often as I see the need - returning to the theraputic outlet that has served me greatly in the past.

For now, I know the world around me continues on. My world slower than the rest & the numbness egulfing me, as I wait for reaility to hit - praying that when it does, it will be gentle.

Heaven's A Little Brighter Tonight

Easter 2008

The world's a little darker & Heaven's a little brighter tonight. At 5:15 PM (EST), this wonderful lady whom I affectionately call Momma Nancy, lost her battle to live & finally went home to be with Jesus & so many loved ones before her.

Please pray that her family & loved ones are comforted during this time of tremendous loss.

I can honestly say that without her support, love & laughter throughout the years, I would not be who I am today. There is not enough gratitude on this planet that even comes close to what I owe her.

I love you. I love you. I love you. Thank you for making this world such a better place by not only being in it, but by touching so many others with your beauty & grace.

Jake & I will miss you dearly. Butterfly, Emu!

On Being Left Behind

Did you know that yesterday was National Survivors of Suicide Day? How crazy is that? I hate the fact that there is a need for this day at all, but I'm glad us survivors get recognized.

I recently talked about this very subject in a post just less than two weeks ago. Remember? And I have even talked in the past about my own battles with depression & suicide. So, I've been there, on both sides, which truly suck. Although very truthful, sharing those realizations & thoughts was not at all easy. Neither was my journey to get to this point, but regardless, here I am.

Every question, every tear - both by the thousands, maybe millions. Countless emotions both crammed down & (sometimes, reluctantly) shared with the close trusted few. Sleepless nights spent trying to piece together where it actually went oh-so-wrong. Attempting to figure out if you could have done anything to change the fate that they had chosen for themselves.

To figure out why they left you behind.

Not one second, not one minute of it is ever easy. Never.

But it does get easier. When? well - that's different for everyone. Some days, some weeks, some years, are difficult - very difficult. To this day - there are times - even years later, I'm hit out of no where & like that I'm a mess again. But... I don't have to stay a mess.

And neither do you. So, if you were someone left behind, know that you are not alone. There is always someone that has been there, someone who understands. Even if that someone is a stranger. I didn't get here - to the place I am at - all by myself.

Yes, we are out here... those of us who do the very best we can... those of us who are left behind.

God's Mercy

Dear So & So,

Remember when you said, "God in His gracious mercy allows us to "fall apart" emotionally when some how it is safe to do so and somewhere inside knows it is time and we are ready. So even though it hurts, it is really a good thing - it means an opportunity to find freedom for baggage we have been carrying around for a long time"? I just wanted to tell you that I wholeheartedly agree with that statement.

However, just bc I agree does not mean I "do" falling apart well. I am an amazingly strong person. Very few people get to see me fall apart, & that is okay. What I told you before is true, sooner or later, one must stop being a victim & be the survivor. I chose the ladder; however many do not.

Even though I am a survivor, there is no denying that my past still effects me on a daily basis. I do not live in denial, or as I like to call it - Don't Even kNow I Am Lying. God has done amazing things in me and continues to do so, even as I face difficult times, at the moment.

I am facing tremendous struggles at home at the moment, which has caused me to have to let go of certain things, which has truly been emotionally draining, and in one instance, devastating.

And to add to all the changes I am facing, Mandy's birthday is tomorrow. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her. I know that I will see her again someday, and I am truly happy that she's in heaven; however, that does not mean I miss her any less (This is nothing new to me or the regular readers of my blog, but I cannot change my feelings or thoughts about the matter).

Maybe it's just me but I don't see her as a loss, but a blessing. I was and am truly blessed for knowing her, loving her & having nearly 20 years of friendship with her. I have a choice - I can choose to dwell on the loss or I can chose to embrace the beautiful friendship God gave me no matter how long it lasted.

So, yes, God's Mercy is gracious, indeed.

Blessings,

Father's Day

Yesterday was a difficult day for me. I started out tired and emotionally drained, and remained that way well into the night. Yesterday, was Father's Day, but that was just a technicality, as that had nothing to with my mood or how I was feeling. I spent the day with Jake and Mike, starting at church & ending way too late.

We got lost on the way back from church in the attempt to find a Target, without the GPS that Jake always leaves home (if only I could convince him to always take it with him). Of all places to end up that day, We end up at Mandy's Target, which led me to to ball in the parking lot, with body jerking sobs, something that does not happen often, and rarely in front of people.

The truth is, I got a lot going on. I'm very worried, for reasons that I chose not go into at this point, about many people in my life. I'm choosing to not name them for both their privacy and mine.

I will mention one though, one of my best friend's Rachel, who has Crohn's Disease, is in JHH. Right now, they are not sure what is happening, only that she has lost 11 pounds in a little over a week and they are very concerned. Just know that that there are many in need of prayer and positive thoughts right now, so if you believe please lift them up.