Monday, February 9, 2009

Choosing the Path

When you look Resilient up in the dictionary, this is what you will find:

1. springing back; rebounding.
2. returning to the original form or position after being bent, compressed, or stretched.
3. recovering readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyant.

In some way or another, I am all of these. Years ago, way back in high school, someone asked my friend Gabe to describe me in one word. His reply, "Resilient." At the time, I didn't think much about it, only that it was a great compliment.

It wasn't until years later that I realized that he had known me, as any best friend should, better than anyone and that it was not only a great adjective to describe me, but a truthful one as well.

As for a survivor, I am that too. I have survived many things, all of which I'll eventually touch on, but not at this present moment. However, I think it is safe to say, I've been through it ALL and then some. I see no need to name everything here, at least not at this point.

I used to journal and write all the time. Somewhere along the way, I stopped and I so desperately need to start again. There is something therapeutic in writing for me and I need to get in touch with that again. As I always have, I use writing as a way to purge, work through, sort out my thoughts and feelings, some of which no one knows.

I have been through some major life changes and at this point in time, I'm at a crossroad. I have some life altering choices to make. I don't care who you are, I just know that no one can be at a crossroad, make choices and not have it effect her. I am no exception.

Jake and I married in May of 2005 and it has not been an easy road to say the least, but through it all, we have pulled through and are better for it. It's funny how people will do all these things to prepare for the wedding, but hardly anything to maintain the marriage. How ironic.

I am determined not to be a statistic and to stay the course, no matter what it may bring - good or bad. This is not to say my choices have to do with my husband, but they do effect him, because he is such a huge part of my life.

I have decided that 2009 is the year for me. I will no longer put others ahead of myself time and time again. I will put me first for once. For those who know me, you know this will not be an easy task for me. I have a bad habit of giving others my everything, even when I don't have anything to give. There are certain things I want, need and crave in my life, and obtaining it starts with me.

I can no longer be who everyone wants me to be. I cannot be the perfect wife, daughter, sister, aunt, and friend that others want me to be. That is not good for me or anyone else for that matter. And so it starts here, with this blog.

If you are looking for someone to blow smoke, stretch the truth, or just plain lie - move along. There is nothing but truth here and if you can't handle that, I'm sorry but this isn't for you. The truth is it never was... it's been for me all along.

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