Out of Reach

It's nearly 7:30 AM & I've had an sleepless night. I wanted this post to be wordless, maybe a cute picture of my friend Stacey's child Christian, but that will have to wait.

Dad is going to be transferred to Hopkins today. As of the day before last, he has had 19 rounds of antibiotics. I know that it is more by now. When he gets transferred, he will undergo an operation to clean out the infection that is in defibrillator site.

I cannot lie, I am worried. There is a unsettling feeling within me. I'm am sure things will turn out to be okay. It's just that this infection is an abscess is in his heart. No doubt, this operation is more complicated than in the past.

Usually, I have a calmness about me when it comes to days like these. It is a calmness that I miss, like a best friend has gone away or is just out of reach. I know, with all the logic that I possess, that God has a plan & it is His, not mine. He is in control, not me. Somehow that should make me feel better, but it doesn't - not this time.

I don't even know if they will do anything today besides transfer him. I guess that is part of what is adding to my feelings, not knowing. It is long distance from the current hospital to call me, so right now, I just have to call every couple of hours to see what's going on & gather information as I can.

Until then, I will pray. And hope that calmness come into reach soon.

Wordless Wednesday: Beloved

In The Storm

There is a blizzard outside my door.

Seriously.

It's over 2 feet already & is no where near ready to stop, only hours away from breaking records.

I got a call at 1:45 AM this morning. I hate calls like that. It is never good. Dad was waiting on the ambulance, having called after being shocked by his defibrillator 4 times - once even while I was on the phone. Turns out, he gets shocked 5 times total before they make it to the hospital.

Before he hangs up, he tells me not to call my brother til later as he was in "a little car accident yesterday." What? Nice. How come no one told me? I wonder.

I hang up. My mind races. I want to run to him. Be with him. Tell him that everything will be okay. I look at the snow outside my window & know that God has other plans. I instantly pray. For both of them.

The snow still falls.

Hours & about 11 phone calls later, I finally track my dad down. He's been admitted. I call my Grandmom & let her know what's going on. Turns out that "little car accident" wasn't so little after all.

When I talk to my SIL & brother, I find out that he was turning the corner & got T-boned by a car going more than 60 MPH. His trucked flipped. The firemen smashed his windshield to get him out.

Wearing a neck brace, he says, "I walked away without a scratch. I'm indestructible, Shannon." I wish he was joking, but deep down, I know he believes this. He always has.

I hang up. Say a silent prayer. I am reminded that there is nothing I can do that I have not already done. For either of them. A calm & warmth fill me.

And the snow still falls.

Heaven's A Little Brighter Tonight

Easter 2008

The world's a little darker & Heaven's a little brighter tonight. At 5:15 PM (EST), this wonderful lady whom I affectionately call Momma Nancy, lost her battle to live & finally went home to be with Jesus & so many loved ones before her.

Please pray that her family & loved ones are comforted during this time of tremendous loss.

I can honestly say that without her support, love & laughter throughout the years, I would not be who I am today. There is not enough gratitude on this planet that even comes close to what I owe her.

I love you. I love you. I love you. Thank you for making this world such a better place by not only being in it, but by touching so many others with your beauty & grace.

Jake & I will miss you dearly. Butterfly, Emu!

In Awe

Dear God,

I am in awe. Speechless. As I write this, tears stream down, not in sadness or despair, but in thankfulness of your mercy & grace. You are amazing. Thank you for shedding light on my darkness, giving me a peace that is so undeserving. What a gift.

Thank you for leading me on this journey & allowing me the freedom to chose to stay on this path of healing, which allows me to be who I was truly meant to be.

My Love Always,

Wordless Wednesday: 3:38 AM Peaceful Sleep

With Every End, A New Beginning

Breathing deep, I take in the morning. I have no idea what this day will bring, nor the night, but something tells me I should start by writing. There is a unfamiliar peace over me, with a million and one thoughts in my head.

Thoughts of Mandy fill occupy my mind & I miss her more than ever. I think it's because Pee Wee is supposed to go to the vet later, since he got hurt a week and a half ago, and I have no doubt in my mind that she would want every detail and would be worried.

Somethings are coming to an end, while new things are beginning. T-Ball and Little League are ending for my nephews, and hopefully soccer is going to begin soon. I so love them with every fiber of my being, and it brings me much joy to watch them play.

As a bonus, I'm becomming friends with the T-ball coach's wife, and I feel as if I've known her forever. Ashley and her family are good people and I love seeing them, and I hope to do more of it in the future. I am glad we met and I hope we are friends for a long time - firmly believing, there is a reason for everything, even if I the reason has not revealed itself yet. Also, the reason my never reveal itself, and I'm okay with that too.

Jake and I, now that he has a new position at work and is available Sunday morning, have started attending church again. Also, Mike has started going with us, just as he had done years ago. He is so much like the little brother I never had, and I love watching him grow, in multiple ways. I do not rejoyce in the difficult life changes he is experiencing, but I believe he is a better person for having gone through them, and truly believe he will be a better - stronger - person in the end.

I have all these questions, with no easy answers, and some with know answeres at all. I can't figure outwhy I feel so different these last couple of weeks, I just know I do. Maybe it's not for me to figure out. Maybe, just maybe, we're not meant to know certain things.