Moments

Yesterday was Valentine's Day.

Historically, I haven't been fond of this holiday. For starters, it was the day many, many years ago now that I picked to get married to my former fiance, Mark. As if I'm speaking a foreign language, it has always seemed strange to me to call him my former fiance & I must admit I have always struggled with what to call him exactly.

We never broke up. We just didn't call it a day & move on going our separate ways. We just didn't decide not to do it. One day, just an ordinary day like any other, Mark was killed by a drunk driver.

Perhaps it is the years gone me that has changed things, but I still view him as A Stepping Stone. A place that I was so meant to be at in the moment, but just wasn't meant to stay. At the time, I didn't see it that way, but I do now.

Again, God's timing & plan are perfect. Just perfect. He had other plans for me. Other purposes. Things just were not meant to happen they way I thought they were going to or how I thought they should be.

I must admit, it feels a little strange to say that pertaining to Mark. Almost as if it were to make who he was to me less important. Or the lessens I learned from him less valuable. I know this isn't true, but part of me feels as if it true. Let me say it again, I know this is not true, but sometimes, it feels true.

Sometimes it is difficult to wish life was different. How we wanted or planned vs. in reality what is. I can't do that though. I can't live in the past. I can't play the what if game.Doing that doesn't serve me (or anyone around me) well. I have learned that living in the past should not be done. Bc when you live in the past, you miss the present. You miss the moments. The moments that life is all about.

So, yesterday, was awesome. It was filled with ordinary, not so extraordinary moments. Being ever so thankful, not living in the past, praising & being in awe of it all moments. Spending time with the one I was meant to be with. Reflecting on the past, but living in the present. Taking not one single circumstance or second for granted.

A Stepping Stone

Days turn to nights and then days again here. It is an unending cycle. It's hard to believe that it has been a week since my last entry. Valentine's Day came and went. What a wonderful day it was, although it was nothing special about it.

Jake and I spent the day together, and watch a very thought provoking movie called "Fireproof." It's a Christian based movie about marriage. I highly recommend watching it if you are a Christian or married, and it's a must see if you are both.

I have come to not mind Valentine's Day, which is a great improvement then in the past. I hated that day, more than all the rest.

It was the day one of my friends committed suicide and the day I was originally supposed to marry Mark, my "former" fiancee (same day, different years). I used the word former lightly because I think it is awkward to refer to him as that even now, many years later.

See, before we were to marry, Mark was killed by a drunk driver. I guess you could say that his death taught me many lessons. The most important lesson it taught me was my plans had nothing if little to do with God's plan and that is the plan that really mattered most of all.

I guess what changed it for me was looking at what I did have vs. what could have been. Mark was a very important part of my life, and as I see it now, a stepping stone. He very much had a purpose in my life teaching me how to love and how to be loved most of all.

I am a better person because he loved me, truly unconditionally. The ironic thing is when the pain of losing him was so fresh, so new, so deep, I couldn't imagine my life with out him.

Now, my life is not only without him but if I didn't lose him I would not have so many wonderful things in my life, like Jake and his family.

I guess it really is true - Everything does happen for a reason, although the reason may not reveal itself until years later, long after you've stepped off that stepping stone.