Pearls of Wisdom

"A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl."

~~ Stephan Hoeller

(1931 - )

Writer, Scholar and Religious Leader

Dearest Theresa,

It's funny how friends pick up on littlest things. And I think it is ironic how we choose through our friendship, by the way we have designed it, to lift each other up, bc trust me when I say - not all friends do that.

I know you say that I have been a great friend to you, but you, Theresa, have been such a great friend to me as well. Never forget that.

For whatever reason, I'm struggling right now. I can't really tell you what I'm going through, partly bc it's hard to put into words & partly bc I don't want to put it into words, but know this... God has brought me to this wonderful place for His Glory. If you know me, & at this point I would say you have a good idea who I am, then you know that I don't witness very well... At least I don't think I do.

But nevertheless, I do witness in my own way bc for whatever reason, God has brought me through some pretty horrible unspeakable things - some things that no one knows to this day. And it is only through His love, His grace & His mercy that I am where I am. And not only where I am, but who I am.

So you may say that I, in a sense, have gained many pearls of wisdom along the way. Well, I don't know about wisdom, but I do know that I earned every one of those pearls.

I love you too.

Always Blessed,

Through My Fingers

Right now, Dad is in the hospital, with an infection at his difibulator site. Praying that it's an infection just under the skin & not an abscess that requires a transfer to a second hospital & is way more serious than where we stand now.

{Time passes.}

I just got a call from mom. It is with tears streaming down that I say these words. Aunt Elaine's cancer is getting worse. They have done all they can for her at her current hospital & are trying to get her into Hopkins.

I hate this. I love her so much. So very, very much. It almost feels as if everyone I love is slipping right through my fingers. I'm trying so hard to hold on to them. Pull them close, cherish them. Almost as if my love would be enough to sustain them.

It's no wonder that my post are few & far between. My life with Jake - our marriage - is better than it's ever been, but a marriage is only one part. Not everything. I have started what seems like a million entries. All unfinished. All unpublished.

I'm not sure I can even put words to thoughts with all this brokenness around me.

Saying Sundays: Hold Fast

"Hold fast to your dreams, for without them life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly."

~Langston Hughes,

Poet (1902-1967)

This Is The Truth

If everything goes alright, when this post goes live, I will be on my way to get my broken wheelchair fixed, so I really won't have time to write a post like I want.

As luck would have it, I don't have to bc I was reading one of the blogs I follow called, When Hello Means Goodbye. If you have never had a chance to get to know Kate & her story, I would encourage you to stop by her blog.

I will be forever grateful to her for posting this video yesterday. And it couldn't have come at a more perfect time. It literally blew me away. And for those who know me well, that is really difficult to do...

Finding Bill

Every once in a while, when things are stressed & crazy in my life, something will happen to put things in perspective. That's how I felt this past Friday when my phone rang.

We met in our freshman year of high school, destined to be friends when our science teacher, Mr. Z., sat us next to each other. And that's what we were... great friends. He quickly became one of my best friends, although I am not certain I was one of his (for that you would have to ask him).

When we met depression consumed me & my life was dark, but Bill didn't care. In fact, in some strange way he understood. Looking back, I really can't believe just how screwed up I was inside & I'm grateful that there were a few friends who could see past the muck & see me for me, not the me who I was back then.

Bill & I have a pattern in our friendship... One that I hope will never happen again. You see, half way through our freshman year, he had to move. My heart was broken. Even though I did not & do not love him romantically, there is no doubt that I do love him, as much as anyone would love a true friend, one that is meant to be cherished.

For many years after he moved, we stayed in touch, but one day we just went out of touch & life went on. Then a couple of years went by & I was in a store with my mom & Bill, who was an employee there, walked up to me. As if no time had passed, we started talking again & hanging out & for a few months things were great. Until one day he told me that he was moving to another state to try & have a relationship with his dad.

After that, I did what I swore I would never do again... We lost touch. Losing him again drove me crazy. I searched everywhere I could think for a way to find him again... Searched for his family, made cold calls to people with his same name, searched My Space & Facebook periodically, Jacob even helped me look at times. Each time I searched throughout the years, I would find nothing. And the years went on & so much time passed.

Then in late November I searched Facebook again & much to my surprise, he was there! I just can't tell you how excited I was... I even woke Jake up to tell him that I found him {:) The rest is really just your typical lost friend reconnect story...

This past Friday, we went out to lunch, saw a movie (BTW, if you haven't seen Avatar, you must go see it. In I-Max if you can. It is absolutely visually stunning!), & even met up with Jacob for dinner. I couldn't wait for them to meet. All in all, it was a fantastic day! And it gave us time to catch up, bc both of our lives have changed so much in the years gone by.

Me & Bill, January 15, 2010

After all of that, I am reminded - In the end, it's not the details that matter, just the friendship that still remains.

On Being Left Behind

Did you know that yesterday was National Survivors of Suicide Day? How crazy is that? I hate the fact that there is a need for this day at all, but I'm glad us survivors get recognized.

I recently talked about this very subject in a post just less than two weeks ago. Remember? And I have even talked in the past about my own battles with depression & suicide. So, I've been there, on both sides, which truly suck. Although very truthful, sharing those realizations & thoughts was not at all easy. Neither was my journey to get to this point, but regardless, here I am.

Every question, every tear - both by the thousands, maybe millions. Countless emotions both crammed down & (sometimes, reluctantly) shared with the close trusted few. Sleepless nights spent trying to piece together where it actually went oh-so-wrong. Attempting to figure out if you could have done anything to change the fate that they had chosen for themselves.

To figure out why they left you behind.

Not one second, not one minute of it is ever easy. Never.

But it does get easier. When? well - that's different for everyone. Some days, some weeks, some years, are difficult - very difficult. To this day - there are times - even years later, I'm hit out of no where & like that I'm a mess again. But... I don't have to stay a mess.

And neither do you. So, if you were someone left behind, know that you are not alone. There is always someone that has been there, someone who understands. Even if that someone is a stranger. I didn't get here - to the place I am at - all by myself.

Yes, we are out here... those of us who do the very best we can... those of us who are left behind.

Whole

Life is not easy.

It's not easy to grow; to embrace change; to challenge the lies in search for the truth; to heal.

But I must.

Must challenge it all; pick it a part til I see it for what it is - for real. Bring light to the darkness, no easy task.

A burning desire is within me - to be what I never could be before.

All That Matters

Things have been nothing short of crazy; however, every once in a while - when I'm able to breathe again - I can see things differently.

God is amazing. He designed us to be complex, ever-changing beings, who have the ability to think for ourselves & love one another deeply, as long as we give ourselves permission to do so. That's the beautiful thing about free will, we are never forced to really do anything. It has always been a choice - our choice.

Remember this? Well, with hesitation & readiness, I took the plunge & went to my first session. It turned out well, & left me much to think about & reflect on. Was it scary & difficult, undoubtedly. The thing is that God made sure that I had the perfect person to go on this journey with me, which I believe is a true blessing & not an accident at all.

I see things differently now & I am surprised at how quickly I am able to see things that I've never saw before. This is just the beginning for me & I am positive that I'm on a journey of healing that I will continue on for the rest of my life.

Upon reflection, the song "I Need You To Love Me" by Barlow Girl is very fitting. Give it a listen (but first scroll to the bottom of this page & pause the other music). No, really. It will only take a minute - well, 4 minutes & 25 seconds to be exact, but listen anyway. Seriously.



I do, no doubt, have a purpose in not only my life, but in this world. I don't need to know what that purpose is, only that there is one. And I am loved. Even when I don't think I deserve to be. No matter what has happened or will happen, God loves me - even if I am imperfectly broken. And in the end, that's all that truly matters.

Update: Taking Flight & Staying Grounded

Yesterday, my Dad had the heart surgery - an ablation - that he needed to stop his heart from going into VT. The doctors seem very pleased with the results. And I'll be happy if he never sees that rhythm again.

Believe it or not, he was doing so well they released him today. So Jake & I picked him up from the hospital & took him home tonight. Hopefully, he will continue getting better & continue to get the much needed rest he needs (truly believing that at home is where the real healing begins).

People ask me time & again, how I'm getting through this and the answer is always the same: with faith that things will turn out how they are meant to be. Now, I just need to continue having the same faith.

Dad will always be - well, Dad. He will make his own mind up about things, be stubborn, strong willed & a fighter no matter what. That can be both a good & bad thing.

He has made it all too painfully clear to me, by both his words & actions that he will continue to live as he always has, & no matter how bad it gets (& how much the doctors warn & I plea) he will continue to drink & smoke - much to my dismay & disappointment.

While I am overjoyed that he is feeling much better & came through this crisis, part of me is heartbroken too. I truly love my Dad & would love nothing more but to have him a part of my life for as long as God allows.

Ideally, I would love him to be a big part of my children's lives too. And since we have no children yet, I realize that this may be too much to ask & something that may never happen.

But for now, I will just give thanks. Thanks to my friends who are supportive & genuinely care, thanks for all the prayers, thanks for God for not only bringing me to this, but through it. And most of all, thanks to God again for letting me have more time with my dad - no matter how long that may be.