In The Woods

Dear Friends,

Even though I am tired beyond belief, I wanted to take time & write you an update. Yesterday, Dad got transferred to JHH. This move was much faster than expected, but I learned that they want to operate on him tomorrow, if everything aligns in the universe right. If for some reason they can't do it tomorrow, Monday is a must.

Even though he is sicker than he has ever been, they want to remove his defibrillator unit as fast as possible to remove the original source of the infection. We are hoping that it is just the unit that is infected & not his heart, but seeing that the infection has spread to his bloodstream, they are doubtful.

Sometime during the night his defibrillator fired 9 times, so they quickly moved him to the CICU (Cardiac Intensive Care Unit) & put him on more meds to help his heart stay out of the pesky VT rhythms that is causing the defibrillator to go off.

The doctors have been very honest to both my dad & me, if he survives the surgery, the recovery will be long & difficult. It will be quite awhile before anybody can safely say his is out of the woods.

I'm holding up okay. Although I am exhausted & at times, frustrated & scared. For the majority of the time though - at least while I'm at the hospital - I am good, pulling strength from places even I didn't know existed.

I am so very thankful for your well wishes, prayers & encouragement through phone calls, e-mails. text, & even comments on my blog. They mean more than you will ever know.

Praying For Dad

Dear Friends,

I wanted to write you to touch base with you & let you know what is going on with my family. My dad, whose name is Rodney, is very sick. For weeks now, he has been fighting an infection at his pacemaker/defibrillator site that they have been trying to treat with antibiotics, in the hopes that they could prevent a very serious & dangerous surgery that may end his life or cause him to need emergency open heart surgery or, quite possibly both.

All attempts to prevent the surgery have failed & he was told today that the surgery is a must.

However, right now, he is too sick for them to attempt the operation. Yesterday, he was rushed to the hospital, after being weak & very sick for days. He has a massive staph infection throughout his body caused by the initial infection they have been trying to battle. His blood pressure is extremely low. His liver & kidneys are malfunctioning. In addition, his blood is super thin & they are trying to thicken it so that when he is more stable, they can transport him to JHH for the operation.

I would be very thankful if you would keep my dad & my family in your thoughts & prayers.

Update: On Dad

Here's the long a waited update on Dad. He went to see several doctors. His regular heart Dr., who I'll call Dr. R, has a long history with my family. He was my Granddad's Dr. & has been my dad's Dr. for many years. It goes without saying that my family has a long history with him.

The second Dr. is the Heart Dr. at JHH who has operated on dad's heart for the past 2 years years. I will call him Dr. H.

First, Dad had to see Dr. H, for a follow up after he was finished all antibiotics he was given. His chest was still a little swollen & red, but the Dr., who is hoping not to operate on dad's heart bc he has see his heart up close & personal & knows how risky this operation will be for him, said he wants to see him in a couple of weeks.

A couple of days after this visit, Dad told me his chest was more swollen & red. When I tried to get him to call the doctor - any heart doctor, either Dr. R. or Dr. H., Dad refused & said in a couple of days he had a appointment with Dr. R..

When he went to that appointment, Dr. R. said he wants Dad to make an appointment with Dr. H. again. When I asked dad about it, he said he wanted to wait a while, a few weeks & see what happens. Much to my protest, believe me.

That was last week.

Within, 24 hrs. Dad has been hit with his defibrillator twice, the last time less than two hrs ago. I just don't know anymore. And I'm completely frustrated. Beyond belief.

I fear my dad has given up on life. I know he is tired. I know he thinks has a burden & a bother. He's not. He is my dad. And I love him.

Please pray.

Midnight Thoughts

It's a little after midnight on Saturday morning. Time is tick, tick, ticking away & I don't seem to be winding down for bed anytime soon. Although I am extremely exhausted.

Only hours ago, Dad got released from the hospital with a PICC line & will be on IV antibiotics & then oral after that. Hopefully, this will nix this infection & he will not be need for surgery.

Stress is funny. And my body reacts to stress all the time. I hate to say that I'm in pain, but I am. And things between Jake & I have been strained for days. Again, I so need him to be my safe place to fall & truthfully, I don't know if he knows how to be that.

I love him so much. And we've been getting along better than ever. Seriously. My marriage has never been better. It's difficult though when both of us are pulled in what seems like in a million different directions, both by our own devices & by family.

I just need time away. There is a part of me that desperately needs to connect, not only to Jake, but close friends as well. The ones who truly know me & who love me, without condition. I need to be recharged {:)

So, hopefully, things will fall into place soon... for everyone. Until then, I'll just keep typing out my thoughts & praying, knowing that things will happen when & how they are supposed to be.

Sleep awaits.

Lent: Distractions (Day 5)

In church yesterday, I was distracted. Trying really hard to listen to the message, my mind raced. Not bc our Sr. Pastor, Matthew, couldn't keep my attention, but bc I just couldn't stop thinking about so many other things.

What the heck was I thinking giving up avoidance for Lent? This is a lot more challenging than I thought. And out of my comfort zone I certainly am. Really, I should have thought this through more. It's no wonder I am distracted. I can't avoid anything. Darn it. I have to do things, deal with thoughts & feelings I would rather not & have conversations I have been dodging. Not to mention, life is a little crazy to say the least.

In case you are wondering, Dad did fine - thankfully so - with his heart surgery on this past Friday. It was his second heart surgery in 7 days. He is home now & hopefully taking it as easy as he can. Again, I found myself alone at the hospital, which I am okay with, as always.

The funny thing is though I am never alone. God, for many reasons (I think), made sure of that. He's funny that way. {:) For whatever reason, if for no other reason then to have a distraction while dad was in surgery & I needed to just talk to someone about my dad & anything & everything but my dad.

So, unexpectly, I found myself on the phone with my friend Beth. I so love her. We get each other on so many levels. And there is something to be said of true friendship that is nothing but authentic. She has given me much more than she will ever know.

Over six years ago, on my first day at my church, she is the first person who came up to me & introduced herself. She works at the church, but she's one of those people who loves her job - gives way too much of herself - often going far beyond the call of duty - & doesn't know how to be anything but genuine. Truly, we were destined to be friends. And trust me, there are not many who I say that about.

Perhaps that is why I was a little distracted yesterday. It was the day that the church announced that - after 10 years of service - Beth was leaving her job, even though her official last day is a few weeks from now.

The good thing is she's leaving her job, but not the church. And even if she were to leave the church, I don't have any worries bc we would still be friends anyway {:). I just wouldn't get one of her great hugs every Sunday (I shudder at the thought). Her hugs, are often one of things I look forward to every week.

The thing is, as hard as this may be for her, it's a good thing. She's leaving to pursue other aspects of her life. And bc I know Beth, she will have no problem staying active in the church - just as a member, that's all. I can't tell you how proud I am of her. This was so not an easy decision for her. And as her friend, I am excited to see where her path leads her now.

Being her friend, I couldn't help but share in joys & sorrows, shedding many tears right along with her. Knowing what a difficult day that it would be & that her birthday is next Sunday, I did what I do best & made her something. It turned out awesome & says volumes. I guess in a sense I used it as a form of distraction. It was as much for her as it was for me.

Maybe not all distractions are a bad thing after all.

Already Pros

By the time this post goes live (yet again), I will be on the way to the hospital. Actually, I hope I'm not on my way, but already there.

My Dad is having heart surgery again - yes, twice in one week. This time they are going to change his pacemaker/defibrillator unit this time. From what I hear, barring any complications, It won't be as long of a surgery as before.

So, I'm hoping all goes well, & he will be feeling like his old self once again. If you are inclined to do so, a prayer would be great. I'm not too sure of the details, so I will find more after I get there.

One thing is for sure though - I will have to tell him when I see him, how just have to stop meeting like this. At the rate were going we have this heart surgery thing down pat soon... Heck, now that I think about it - we are already Pros.

His Gift

I am trying to decompress.

Yesterday was rough. Very tough.

Dad is okay for now. His nearly 10 hour VT ablation, is over. He was the first one to go back for the day & the last one to go to recovery. Not wanting to lie, there were complications - the kind of complications & close calls that no one ever wants to hear.

Bc of the complications & the sheer stress placed on his heart, the doctors decided that they would not change his defibrillator. That would just have to wait for another day, hopefully in as little as a week or so. There is also talk of placing a different type of defibrillator in, one that would be better suited for dad's needs.

Even though he is still in the hospital right now, there is talk of releasing him tonight, which just seems crazy to me given all that has happened. Although I'm not certain, I am wondering if they are going to release him bc they know that there are plans for his return in very near future. And if there is no sign of trouble after they observe him, maybe it's okay, right? I wish I could be certain. The only thing that is for certain for now is that my dad & those who love him, have been given a gift.

Yesterday, hours before I was to leave for the hospital, I was unable to sleep. I had called it an early night & was startled awake by Pee Wee when he jumped of the bed. I had tried everything to go to sleep. At the time, I had only been asleep for almost two & a half hours.

I ended up calling Rachel & hung up when the alarm clock sounded that was intended to wake me. Conversations & phone calls like that are not strangers to either of us. I told her I was not worried about my dad. I did have some anxiety & concern, but I was not worried.

At some point in our conversation I said to her, "Regardless of the outcome, my Dad will be okay." I wasn't just saying that. I meant it. I mean it. I mean regardless. I can't explain things to where most people can understand. Does that mean I want him to die & if he does die, I won't be devastated - no, not at all. He is my father. He is my dad. No one in their right mind would willingly want that.

What that statement means is that perhaps more than ever, I realize that things in this universe is so much bigger than me. This isn't new. It always has been.

I was alone at the hospital for hours. For the majority of the day, there was calmness & certainty I felt. Even through knowledge of the complications. However, as the day went on, & hours ticked away, I became a little more frantic & frazzled.

And pissed. Yes, I was pissed. And even though I was angry, I was more hurt than anything. It wasn't the fact that I was at the hospital alone, by myself for the entire day... I knew Jake had to work. I was & still am perfectly fine with that.

What I'm not okay with - what doesn't sit right with me - is that he did not call, not even once, to see how I was, to see what was happening or for an update. And not only that, but when I called him to give him an update, he started ranting & raving about this & that pertaining to his day at work.

{Ummmm, Honey? I know I'm your go-to person. I know you got a lot going on. Your day is not going so great for you, but now... right now, I can't do this. I can't have you answer the phone & the very first words out of your mouth is a rant. Not, how are things going? Not how's your dad? Not how are you? What ever you need me to be, I can't. Not now. Really, it's not all about you.}

I have concluded - even through my anger & being hurt by his actions - that they're are just some things that he doesn't get. There are just things that he just can't do. Why? Bc much like I wrote about here, Jake just can't give me what he doesn't have. He just can't do better, bc he doesn't know better. He does stupid things sometimes, but so do I. Jake is human.

Still, as alone as I was, I wasn't. I had friends, phone calls, & text messages. And those calls & messages served a great purpose. In fact, I had one friend who just blew me out of the water with her words & support, but that is truly a story for another day.

Today, I am just so thankful. Filled with gratefulness. Appreciation. And in awe at the love, grace, mercy & embrace that God has chosen to gift to me.

In The Storm

There is a blizzard outside my door.

Seriously.

It's over 2 feet already & is no where near ready to stop, only hours away from breaking records.

I got a call at 1:45 AM this morning. I hate calls like that. It is never good. Dad was waiting on the ambulance, having called after being shocked by his defibrillator 4 times - once even while I was on the phone. Turns out, he gets shocked 5 times total before they make it to the hospital.

Before he hangs up, he tells me not to call my brother til later as he was in "a little car accident yesterday." What? Nice. How come no one told me? I wonder.

I hang up. My mind races. I want to run to him. Be with him. Tell him that everything will be okay. I look at the snow outside my window & know that God has other plans. I instantly pray. For both of them.

The snow still falls.

Hours & about 11 phone calls later, I finally track my dad down. He's been admitted. I call my Grandmom & let her know what's going on. Turns out that "little car accident" wasn't so little after all.

When I talk to my SIL & brother, I find out that he was turning the corner & got T-boned by a car going more than 60 MPH. His trucked flipped. The firemen smashed his windshield to get him out.

Wearing a neck brace, he says, "I walked away without a scratch. I'm indestructible, Shannon." I wish he was joking, but deep down, I know he believes this. He always has.

I hang up. Say a silent prayer. I am reminded that there is nothing I can do that I have not already done. For either of them. A calm & warmth fill me.

And the snow still falls.

Update: Rachel

Rachel & Me, May 2005

Rachel is still in the hospital. She was scoped yesterday, so that the doctors can see what's going on. I'm not sure too much of the details, but I do know that they started her on IV steroids, which she, & everyone else for that matter, was hoping would not happen.

I don't know how she is handling all this. She is in so much pain, not sleeping well & no one can really tell her what the hell is going on. I hate Crohn's. Why there is there is even such a horrible disease existence I will never understand.

There seems to be a lot I don't understand now a days. So all I do is pray.

Long Day

It's 11 PM & I am finally home. It has been such a long day. We started out at church & ended up going to the hospital.

My friend Rachel is in a local hospital for some complications which, I guess, are linked to her Crohn's disease. I don't think they really know what's going on, especially since they told her (& she has the picture to prove it) that she was in remission a short 2 1/2 months ago.

Sometimes there are days when I wish there were things I could do for her & knowing that there really is nothing that I can - I just try to be the best friend that I can be to her.

So, for now I wait & pray & just hope that she gets what she needs & stays strong for what ever comes her way.

Taking No Prisoners

Sick.

Oh, how I hate being sick!

It's been something that I've been trying to prevent from happening for weeks now. I have failed & now I am paying for it.

I am not certain, but I must speculate that with me grieving my defenses were down, which made my body surrender to this cold.

And it is taking no prisoners & has never heard of mercy.

With this cold, with this grief, I am learning to take it one day at a time. Slowly learning to be still & listen. Bc for now, that's all that I can do... And that is enough for now.

Heaven's A Little Brighter Tonight

Easter 2008

The world's a little darker & Heaven's a little brighter tonight. At 5:15 PM (EST), this wonderful lady whom I affectionately call Momma Nancy, lost her battle to live & finally went home to be with Jesus & so many loved ones before her.

Please pray that her family & loved ones are comforted during this time of tremendous loss.

I can honestly say that without her support, love & laughter throughout the years, I would not be who I am today. There is not enough gratitude on this planet that even comes close to what I owe her.

I love you. I love you. I love you. Thank you for making this world such a better place by not only being in it, but by touching so many others with your beauty & grace.

Jake & I will miss you dearly. Butterfly, Emu!

Stepping Back

It's after 3 AM & I can't sleep. Two days ago, Dad had another visit to the the ER with rapid heartbeat & feeling like he was going to pass out. The good news is his defibrillator, actually doing its job, shocked him into normal rhythm, so they only kept him for a couple of hours & told him to follow up with his doctor.

Apparently,this rythem, wasn't as tricky as this one, only a few short weeks ago. Remember? I am so glad that he is feeling better but I wish that the doctors would figure out what would work best for him, so that he could feel better for longer periods of time. Whether it would be more testing, oxegen at home, a medication adjustment, ect.

Again, I'm trying to keep faith that everything will turn out like it's supposed to be & taking it one day at a time. I have found that's what works best for me. When I am at a lost for what to do, how to make things better, I try to take a step back & see the bigger picture, which sometimes is not easy to do.

So, this is me, breathing in, stepping back, with my eyes wide open...

Not Me Monday: Taking Flight & Staying Grounded

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

It has not been forever (or it seems that way) since my last post. I have not been busy focusing on family. No, Not Me!

Friday morning, my dad did did not call 911, get rushed to the hospital with a rapid heart rate and extreme difficulty breathing. Which resulted in Jake & me rushing to Dad's local hospital. No, Not Me!

After several doses of medicine to slow his 145+ (at rest) heartbeat failed & wondering why his pacemaker/defibrillator was not shocking him back into normal sinus rhythm, the doctors did not decide to Life Flight him to another hospital. And I didn't take pictures of it bc I thought when he was feeling better, Dad might like to see them. No, Not Me!

When we arrived at the second hospital, we were not told that the doctors shocked my dad's heart back to normal rhythm & that he would need a procedure called an ablation so that this pesky rhythm that baffles the pacemaker into not firing (or it's firing has no effects on) does not occur again. No, Not Dad!

Dad did not also have a bunch of other breathing issues like COPD (for one) & an infection on top of everything else, which has not been getting better day by day. And he was not in (& still is) in heart failure. No, Not Dad!

They did not almost release him today, without an ablation & say he could go home (much to our family's dismay). So, that Jake could call out of work yet again, so that he could take him home - only to find that they are going to keep him & do the procedure in a couple of days (Praise Him). No, Not them!

I have not stayed grounded with my feet firmly planted on the ground. I have not done remarkably well through this whole ordeal (so I've been told) - keeping the faith that everything will work out how it is supposed to be according to His Plan. No, Not Me!

Oh, and I'm not asking for you to please send up a prayer on Dad's behalf, if you are so inclined to do so. No, Not Me!

Update: Stellan

I am over joyed to say that Stellan got released from the hospital yesterday. As the Lord would have it, he never went to Boston. It has been a long road, for MckMama & her family with lots of prayers a long the way. Stellan in SVT free, on a new drug plan that is actually working for him & they figured some things out along the way, such as Stellan metabolizes drugs differently than other little boys.

I think this entry will tell you some of where this journey has taken Stellan's family... And it's one of my favorite entries. This is also a great (& truthful) entry. All this is to say - beyond a doubt - that prayer works, & God can do not only good things but Great things. Just take a look:

From this:

To this:

Yes, He is Great, indeed.

Not Me Monday: Praying for Stellan

This was supposed to be another Not Me! Monday post; however it is now:

It seems so fitting since Stellan & his charming family need our prayers, and his mom is the one who started Not Me Monday to begin with. I've been following Mckmama's updates on her blog, but the better way to get updated with the latest news is to follow her on twitter, which of course I'm doing.

My heart just breaks for Stellan. From what I can gather he is in heart failure and his kidney's are failing as well. But there is hope. There has to be. They are making plans to air lift him to Boston. I do not know what they are going to do with him there but, logic tells me they would not have moving him as a option if there was not some POSITIVE reason to do so.

I pray that Stellan's heart finds a normal beat again. I pray that Mckmama and the family get the answers, comfort, rest, & whatever else they need at this moment. I pray that the doctors & nurses have the wisdom to find the treatments and solutions they need to get Stellan and his family through this.

I also pray that those same people believe in prayer and miracles too, bc I know I believe.

Praying for Stellan

This sweet little boy is named Stellan. His I read his mom's blog, which you can find here. I do not know MckMama personally, but have come to care about her and her family, especially Stellan in the past couple of months, through the words she she shares with thousands of us. If you have not read her blog, I encourage you to do so. She has many talents (photography to name one - just look at that beautiful picture she took) & her gift for writing is another one of many.

All the talent she has, whatever gifts she possesses she still cannot heal Stellan. No one on earth can. Stellen has a heart condition called SVT. McMama can do a much better job at explaining Stellan & his medical condition than I can.

Right now, he is at the family's local hospital & in the PICU. Things are not looking good. They cannot get his heart at a normal level & his heartbeat has been pretty much at high levels (at one point I know it was at 224 per minute) for the last couple of days and the doctors seem out of options, for the night at least. Everything they have thrown at this little boy has failed - medicine, procedure, ect. I know for a fact, that his BP was 57/32 & they may have to vent him.

I'm asking that you pray for this sweet little boy & his wonderful family. I do not know what God has planned for Stellan, but I know he has touched the lives of thousands already. And I also know that with God, all things are possible.

Praying For Mandy

About an hour ago, I found out my dear friend Mandy, whom I have known since I wad 16, is in the Cardiac Critical Care unit at a local hospital.

She's been having trouble with an illness that has progressively gotten worse since October. As far as I know, they don't know what is wrong with her at this point only that she is having trouble breathing.

Right now, She is unconscious with heavy sedation and on a ventilator. They think she has either a blood clot or aspirated pneumonia.

I am worried, but have faith that she will recover, although I think her recovery will be a long road. If you are reading this and have faith, please send up a prayer or two.