Missing In Action

So, I haven't quite been MIA, but how come I feel I have? There's just so much going on, sometimes it makes my head spin. Not that there is so much to do, but rather that I just got a lot going on I feel I just can't keep myself straight with all my thoughts & feelings swirling around in my head.

It is quite overwhelming.

In the past week or so, I've started 3 post that I just can't seem to finish. My heart is just not that into it, so there they sit until my heart catches up or I catch my breath - either way.

While I deeply love my husband, I must admit we aren't seeing eye to eye right now. It's not that we are fighting bc we are not. More so, that I feel we are not on the same page with a lot of things at the moment. He thinks everything is dandy, I on the other hand do not.

As a wife, I feel unheard, unsupported, & yes, even unloved. There is so much in a marriage that does not have to do with physical affection. As a man, I'm sure - yes, absolutely sure - that he would be quite fine with just connecting on a physical level, while I, on the other hand, need so much more. So, so, much more.

This doesn't help matters any that I'm already feeling disconnected in other areas of my life at the moment. I feel nothing is gelling with me. I am in the middle of grieving - not just for Mandy, but for other things & people too (some of which have stayed unwritten on here as of yet). I am not feeling connected to my family as much as I would love to be. Nor I feeling connected to Jake's family for that matter.

The one thing - & only thing - I feel I have going for me at the moment is my connection to God & my church, & to be completely honest - I am - & have for not only weeks now, but months -have been feeling so discontent & disconnected there.

I absolutely love my church. It is truly beyond words how I feel about it. It is the most accepting place ever & has hands down been the only church I have truly loved. It has been the longest one I have attended regularly too. Well, with out years upon years of gaps in between for whatever reason.

I just feel that there is something missing for me. A deeper connection to the people that I'm not getting. I want that genuine connection that I'm not sure is there, not anymore. Truthfully, there are very few at the moment that I feel I can be completely unedited genuine with. There has to be more to this. There just has to be.

So, why haven't I left yet? It's is neither that easy nor that simple. Nothing in life ever is. First, is where I love to be. When all else fails, I can always connect there. I am happiest when I'm taking pictures there. Seeing things that others don't through the lens of my camera. I see things like this, just sitting in the sanctuary -right during service.

Second, I truly love the people. Some of the most amazing people I have met in life, I have met there. Even if many of them don't attend the church anymore. They don't stop being amazing, bc they go to another church now.

And hands down, I have grown the most & been given a true opportunity to question, explore, grow & enhance my connection with God there. And reflecting back on it - although it has not at all been easy - it has been life altering & I could not & would not change that for anything.

So, why am I trying so hard to stick it out there? Not look for another church, that may be a better fit for me, when I feel so disconnected & truly believe on some level that may be it is time to move on? Well, it's bc of how disconnected I feel. Say what? Isn't that what I've been saying all along? Well, yes. Sort of.

If I leave now, & trust me it is scary to me how close I have become to doing so, I may never know how I truly feel. Is it I feel disconnected at my church or I'm I just feeling that about life right now? What if I leave, sever ties, - like I did before in another place & time in my life -& don't look back, & it's not so much my church as it is me?

What if the problem is I'm just going through a rough season & among a myriad of emotions discontent is one of them & it's spilling over into how I feel about my church? It's been known to happen.

So, here I sit at nearly 5 AM, feeling like I'm missing something. Something I should be getting. That I am truly MIA, just waiting to be found.

Still

Dear Mandy,

I have no idea why I'm writing this letter. All I know is I miss you. With my whole entire being, I miss you. It's almost as if the day you died a part of my soul shattered - never be the same again.

I don't know why, but I found myself going through & rereading some of your e-mails today. And I believe that on some level you knew your time on earth was limited.

You know that I'm a healthy skeptic. I don't buy into a lot of things, but I do believe that you & your energy lives on. And not that I buy into all the Mediums & such, but I do believe that there are certain people who have certain gifts. And that things exist on a higher level in ways that we cannot even begin to comprehend.

For whatever reason I found myself looking for quotes by John Edward and found this, & it made me think of you:

"I believe that before anybody makes the journey to the other side, we have to know on a soul level that we are leaving, whether it's an accident or illness,and we prepare ourselves to a certain degree that we won't be there in the future."

Is that what it was like for you? Did you know you were leaving us? It's hard for me to grasp the concept that you didn't know on some level. Even harder to grasp that you've been gone for almost a year now. I want you back. I want everything to be the same.

I want to hear your voice. Go on errands with you. I want you to call late at night again worried bc your mom isn't home yet, & ask Jake to come help you get in bed & make me swear not to tell anyone bc your were afraid what people would think.

I worry about your mom. I talk to her as often as I can. Sometimes it is hard, for both of us. To say that her world has been turned upside down does not even come close to what has happened. You were her entire world. You know, you see - I believe that. I believe it bc I know it to be the truth.

Spring is near & I can't wait to see my first butterfly. Not that I need a butterfly to remind me of you. EVERYTHING reminds me of you. Last Sunday, Jake & I went to lunch with some friends from church, & afterwards we found ourselves walking around a local mall - the same one that we were in with you, so many times before.

It is surreal going to places that I've been with you. It is almost like it is too difficult to comprehend certain places existing without you. Hell, there are times I don't know just how I exist without you. Even now, almost a year later, there are times I wake up & you are the very first person I think of, still.

I can't help missing you. It's like a piece of me is gone. There are times when grief & my tears over take me. And that is okay. Bc at the very least it is something real. And feeling, whatever the feeling is, it is not a bad thing.

Jake & I listen to mixed CDs I created of contemporary Christian songs in the car all the time. One of them has the song, "Save A Place For Me" by Matthew West on it. This week, when I was missing you, I looked the video up on YouTube. It still reminds me of you. I think it always will.

You were so full of life. Never taking one single second for granted. And such an absolutely amazing friend. And I can only hope to live my life making the most of it, like you did. But that doesn't mean I don't miss you. Every day. Still.

Love Always,

Not Me Monday: Disconnected & Discontent

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

It has not been been six months, since I've written my last Not Me Monday entry. And ironically I did not write about my dad being in the hospital then too. I'm also not writing this at a little after midnight on Monday morning, bc I never have trouble sleeping & never have a lot on my mind. No, Not Me!

We did not have over 26" of snow here & something called Thundersnow, which I've never heard of before, let alone never saw before Saturday morning. Our street is not still covered in over two feet of snow, which prevents anyone from leaving the house -unless they leave by foot. My Father-In-Law (FIL) did not do just that & go to High's to get essential things like milk, eggs & chocolate, only to discover that our streets is one of the only ones not plowed yet. Then, I did not listen as mom told that they are telling people that it may be another 24+ hrs until the side streets are plowed. No, Not Me!

I'm not frustrated that Jake may not be able to go to work tomorrow bc of the street not being plowed. I'm not aware that my wheelchair that's been broke for months finally has all the parts in & is ready to be fixed, but I cannot get anywhere with the combination of snow & a broken wheel. No, Not Me!

I do not wish my dad was not in the hospital, even though I know that a hospital is where he needs to be right at the moment & if he needed to be anywhere that I could not get to him - I would want him to be there. I am not worried that I still can't get to him bc I'm trapped in my house. I am not also worried how he is going to get home when he gets discharged, since we cannot get anywhere at the moment & my brother was in a bad accident Friday. No, Not Me!

I am not aware that this week is six years exactly that Jake & became members of our church that we so dearly love. I was not disappointed that snow kept church from happening this week. I did not think all the time of my friend Beth who is a key person in making sure that the blizzard that fell on us is taken care of on the church property. No, Not Me!

I am not secretly relieved that my Theophostic Prayer Ministry (TPM) training class got cancelled this week due to the snow. I do not feel this way bc I'm tired of the classes that I love very much, but rather bc I had such a personal revealing, & difficult ministry session last Tuesday that I'm still trying to process & think through. I know - without a doubt that the session was beneficial to me, & I am very thankful for it, but I do not have the desire to face certain people before I think things through some more & get things right in my head. No, Not Me!

I do not sometimes wish that I had a friend who I could have an open & honest conversation with about my faith, & my walk as a Christian & this journey I have found myself on, without feeling like I'm being judged or infringing on his or her time. No, not me!

I am not feeling that bc of thoughts & feelings I'm going through right now that I'm withdrawing or being disconnected to friends & people around me. I do not have a strong desire to connect with others, even if those others are strangers friends I have not met yet out in Blogland. So, I do not dare you to leave a comment telling me that you stopped by & share your thoughts. Or better yet, give a follow & stay awhile, so I can get to know you too! No, Not Me!

Submitting

I hate this.

I am out of my comfort zone. Jake & I are going through something difficult*. Life changing. I was backed in a corner & forced to make the best decision not for me, but our family & for the sake of the family that we strongly desire.

* And I chose to not share what exactly we are struggling with at the moment. It is personal & private. I can count on one hand the people who know & can honestly say most of the people whom we are closest to do not know.

There is no question that this is not what I want but what needs to be done. And like it our not there is no turning back. Not now.

As a person & as a wife, I do not submit to others very easily. I did that enough as a child, & as an adult, it is not something I do often. Nor do I willfully desire it. So, when decisions needed to be made that was in the best interest for him - Reluctantly, I followed. I really didn't see any other way & trust me, there were no other options.

And it bc of my past experiences, I must confess I do not fully understand submitting to my husband. In Ephesians 5:22-24 (New International Version) the bible says:

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

I know what this passage says. And just bc this is what the bible says a wife is supposed to do, doesn't me that I will do so in my marriage. It does not mean that it is an easy thing to do either. And I personally think that it does not make me a bad Christian, if I don't submit to my husband, but there are times that I do want to submit to him - well, bc he is my husband. And I do believe that part of my job as a wife is to submit to him.

I am his wife, right? I need to support him. Do what's best for him. I have to let him make decisions for us. He is my husband after all. And he is supposed to be the head of this family. Although if you were to look at our relationship historically, you would see that he has had a difficult time filling that role, which Jacob knows & freely admits.

This is so difficult. We will make it through this. And I know we will be better off in the long run... eventually. It's just that I feel a lot of shame & guilt that this is what it has come to. I never thought that I would be put in a situation where this would be the only option. And there is no other way to say this then - this sucks.

I can only do what I know to do & put my trust in God, but even that is difficult to do at the moment.

A Tired Christian

Good Bye 2009 & Thanks For It All

In a couple of hours, 2009 will be a thing of the past. And I can't be more glad.

This year has been so difficult. It's not about the deaths or other losses I have had, how my husband & I struggled, the things that have gone unsaid or unwritten, but about all of it together.

Yes, this year has been difficult.

While I have had difficult times - years - before, 2009 is different. I am different. Even though I have struggled this year, I have also changed & grown more than any year that I can remember. My struggling & changing have gone hand & hand. There is no doubt that one has effected the other. How could it not?

Amongst other things, I have grown in my faith as a Christian. I have grown as a person & there is no doubt, I am better for it. I cannot, & will not, look back on this year & (as much as I may want to) wish that it would or could be forgotten.

It is through the difficult times of this year that I have not only grown, but grown closer to God. My faith has been tested & stretched. I have questioned, begged & pleaded, & prayed more than I have ever in the past. Likewise, it has been years since my faith has been tested like this. And I must say, my relationship with God has never been more real. More personal. More connected than ever before.

Do I wish things were different? Do I wish I would have said or done things differently? Do I wish that I could go back & re-do things again, changing the outcome? Yes... and no. Yes, don't we all wish we could do that to some degree & no, if I could change things, have a re-do, things would not be how they are now.

There is a reason for it all. Everything both good & bad has a purpose. I would like to think that the difficulties I have faced, the struggling I have endured, have a reason - a good one - for occurring; that life as I know it will be different than ever before. Be different in the new year to come.

So, I say Good Bye to this year & give thanks for it. For without this year & everything I encountered within it, I would not be just where I am & who I am today.

Whole

Life is not easy.

It's not easy to grow; to embrace change; to challenge the lies in search for the truth; to heal.

But I must.

Must challenge it all; pick it a part til I see it for what it is - for real. Bring light to the darkness, no easy task.

A burning desire is within me - to be what I never could be before.

All That Matters

Things have been nothing short of crazy; however, every once in a while - when I'm able to breathe again - I can see things differently.

God is amazing. He designed us to be complex, ever-changing beings, who have the ability to think for ourselves & love one another deeply, as long as we give ourselves permission to do so. That's the beautiful thing about free will, we are never forced to really do anything. It has always been a choice - our choice.

Remember this? Well, with hesitation & readiness, I took the plunge & went to my first session. It turned out well, & left me much to think about & reflect on. Was it scary & difficult, undoubtedly. The thing is that God made sure that I had the perfect person to go on this journey with me, which I believe is a true blessing & not an accident at all.

I see things differently now & I am surprised at how quickly I am able to see things that I've never saw before. This is just the beginning for me & I am positive that I'm on a journey of healing that I will continue on for the rest of my life.

Upon reflection, the song "I Need You To Love Me" by Barlow Girl is very fitting. Give it a listen (but first scroll to the bottom of this page & pause the other music). No, really. It will only take a minute - well, 4 minutes & 25 seconds to be exact, but listen anyway. Seriously.



I do, no doubt, have a purpose in not only my life, but in this world. I don't need to know what that purpose is, only that there is one. And I am loved. Even when I don't think I deserve to be. No matter what has happened or will happen, God loves me - even if I am imperfectly broken. And in the end, that's all that truly matters.

Faith & Fireworks

I find it interesting that I didn't start this blog to talk about or to be centered around faith, but that's what it seems to be turning into. Perhaps, that's because I find myself not only changing as a person, but growing as a Christian.

My friend Lyda just found out last week that her mom has lung cancer. This has been a trying time for Lyda, as this news is just one more thing piled on top of other struggles, such as being let go as a school teacher, a result of our failing economy.

There is no question that things are not great in her life right now. I can not imagine what she is going through, so I won't even try. I wish there was something I could do to make things better, but I know the only thing is to continue to pray. I wish I could tell her everything is going to work out or be okay, but that is something I can't guarantee. No one can.

On another note, the Fourth of July came and went. A holiday that was always big to me in the past, wasn't so big this year. No cookout for us, no spending hours on end at the town fair. We did go, but stayed just long enough to get pictures of the kids and leave. Jake had to work most of the the day, so it just wasn't the same without him.

Not to mention, I missed and thought of many people that for whatever reason just weren't around (I'm still missing Mandy EVERY day, wondering when the day will come when she is not the first thing I think of when I wake up).

That coupled with the fact that I've been "grounded" since last Tuesday night, with my power chair being broken - which meant I had to use man power and rely on others for help to get around and do things in my very old falling apart manual chair - didn't make me want to be all eager for the Fourth of July. We did however, see some cool fireworks though.

No the holiday didn't go as planned or even how I wanted it to go, but I have found that if I focus on how I think things should be for too long, I miss some pretty incredible things around me.