Tuesday, October 20, 2009

God's Mercy

Dear So & So,

Remember when you said, "God in His gracious mercy allows us to "fall apart" emotionally when some how it is safe to do so and somewhere inside knows it is time and we are ready. So even though it hurts, it is really a good thing - it means an opportunity to find freedom for baggage we have been carrying around for a long time"? I just wanted to tell you that I wholeheartedly agree with that statement.

However, just bc I agree does not mean I "do" falling apart well. I am an amazingly strong person. Very few people get to see me fall apart, & that is okay. What I told you before is true, sooner or later, one must stop being a victim & be the survivor. I chose the ladder; however many do not.

Even though I am a survivor, there is no denying that my past still effects me on a daily basis. I do not live in denial, or as I like to call it - Don't Even kNow I Am Lying. God has done amazing things in me and continues to do so, even as I face difficult times, at the moment.

I am facing tremendous struggles at home at the moment, which has caused me to have to let go of certain things, which has truly been emotionally draining, and in one instance, devastating.

And to add to all the changes I am facing, Mandy's birthday is tomorrow. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her. I know that I will see her again someday, and I am truly happy that she's in heaven; however, that does not mean I miss her any less (This is nothing new to me or the regular readers of my blog, but I cannot change my feelings or thoughts about the matter).

Maybe it's just me but I don't see her as a loss, but a blessing. I was and am truly blessed for knowing her, loving her & having nearly 20 years of friendship with her. I have a choice - I can choose to dwell on the loss or I can chose to embrace the beautiful friendship God gave me no matter how long it lasted.

So, yes, God's Mercy is gracious, indeed.


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