Daisy In Prayer

Daisy, my FIL's 13 year old dachshund, is in surgery just about now. A risky surgery, but a very much a needed one. I'll spare you the details, only that it has to do with removal of numerous tumors & a badly infected uterus with a very long & over do spay.

Everything about this sucks. The risk suck. I'm scared. She is such a sweet dog, who is very loved. We all love her.

Daisy was Jake's mom's dog. Well loved & well taken care of by her. Ms. Barbara died in April 2000 & completely changed this whole family, even Daisy - who very much was grieving too. She stopped eating & became super protective of her family very much. So much in fact that in the summer of 2003 when I started dating Jake, Daisy still only ate dog snacks - no food, just snacks

There is no doubt that Pop loves her. I also think Pop likes to avoid certain things & is in denial about other things. Other things like Daisy's health. He loves her, no doubt, but I think if he doesn't take her to the vet, the vet can't tell him bad news. News that he just doesn't want to hear.

So here we are - hoping & praying for the best in a difficult surgery that is complicated by Daisy's age. God, I love her so. She is such a great part of this family & Pee Wee loves her.

I must admit, that part of me has had to distance myself, not from daisy but from the situation, out of pure frustration at times. She is not our dog, but his. And he has made that clear. I wish I had the money to completely care for her, but I don't & that brakes my heart.

I love our vets (it's a family practice), & have much confidence in their abilities. I have faith & have said lots of prayers. And as for the rest, well, the rest, is not up to me.

Only Moments

Only moments ago, I found out that Aunt Elaine, who has been battling cancer, has been rushed to the hospital. I don't know the details, only that it is serious.

I have been wanting to write about her, & about what she means to me - to put it mildly, she means the world, but I've been at a loss for words, just trying to sort through things myself.

Hopefully some day soon, I'll be able to share with you who she is, what she has meant to me, & the moments - & laughs, lots of them, that we share together.

For this moment though, I will pray. Won't you do the same?

Update: On Dad

Here's the long a waited update on Dad. He went to see several doctors. His regular heart Dr., who I'll call Dr. R, has a long history with my family. He was my Granddad's Dr. & has been my dad's Dr. for many years. It goes without saying that my family has a long history with him.

The second Dr. is the Heart Dr. at JHH who has operated on dad's heart for the past 2 years years. I will call him Dr. H.

First, Dad had to see Dr. H, for a follow up after he was finished all antibiotics he was given. His chest was still a little swollen & red, but the Dr., who is hoping not to operate on dad's heart bc he has see his heart up close & personal & knows how risky this operation will be for him, said he wants to see him in a couple of weeks.

A couple of days after this visit, Dad told me his chest was more swollen & red. When I tried to get him to call the doctor - any heart doctor, either Dr. R. or Dr. H., Dad refused & said in a couple of days he had a appointment with Dr. R..

When he went to that appointment, Dr. R. said he wants Dad to make an appointment with Dr. H. again. When I asked dad about it, he said he wanted to wait a while, a few weeks & see what happens. Much to my protest, believe me.

That was last week.

Within, 24 hrs. Dad has been hit with his defibrillator twice, the last time less than two hrs ago. I just don't know anymore. And I'm completely frustrated. Beyond belief.

I fear my dad has given up on life. I know he is tired. I know he thinks has a burden & a bother. He's not. He is my dad. And I love him.

Please pray.

Bring the Rain: Coming Through Storms

I am blessed. I truly am.

Exhausted as I've been, I have not forgotten this. Dad's doctors have decided at this point that surgery is just a little too risky & are putting things in place for him to go home on IV antibiotics for one week, oral for the next & then they will reassess.

Don't be fooled. I'm not blessed bc my dad's not having surgery. I'm not that superficial - never have been. And I don't believe God - at least the one I believe in - is superficial either.

I find it funny how some praise God when life is great & blame him when things are not so great. Believe it or not, I used to be one of these people. I don't blame Him for anything now. I am a firm believer that when you know better, you do better. Or in this case, when you know better, you believe differently.

One of my favorite songs, puts into words how I'm feel. Take a listen:

The thing is, I would be nothing with Him. He has brought me through some amazing, treacherous storms. Storms that others may not have survive. Yet, here I am not only surviving, but thriving.

So, onward I go... praising with His Grace & blessings along the way.

Out of Reach

It's nearly 7:30 AM & I've had an sleepless night. I wanted this post to be wordless, maybe a cute picture of my friend Stacey's child Christian, but that will have to wait.

Dad is going to be transferred to Hopkins today. As of the day before last, he has had 19 rounds of antibiotics. I know that it is more by now. When he gets transferred, he will undergo an operation to clean out the infection that is in defibrillator site.

I cannot lie, I am worried. There is a unsettling feeling within me. I'm am sure things will turn out to be okay. It's just that this infection is an abscess is in his heart. No doubt, this operation is more complicated than in the past.

Usually, I have a calmness about me when it comes to days like these. It is a calmness that I miss, like a best friend has gone away or is just out of reach. I know, with all the logic that I possess, that God has a plan & it is His, not mine. He is in control, not me. Somehow that should make me feel better, but it doesn't - not this time.

I don't even know if they will do anything today besides transfer him. I guess that is part of what is adding to my feelings, not knowing. It is long distance from the current hospital to call me, so right now, I just have to call every couple of hours to see what's going on & gather information as I can.

Until then, I will pray. And hope that calmness come into reach soon.

Through My Fingers

Right now, Dad is in the hospital, with an infection at his difibulator site. Praying that it's an infection just under the skin & not an abscess that requires a transfer to a second hospital & is way more serious than where we stand now.

{Time passes.}

I just got a call from mom. It is with tears streaming down that I say these words. Aunt Elaine's cancer is getting worse. They have done all they can for her at her current hospital & are trying to get her into Hopkins.

I hate this. I love her so much. So very, very much. It almost feels as if everyone I love is slipping right through my fingers. I'm trying so hard to hold on to them. Pull them close, cherish them. Almost as if my love would be enough to sustain them.

It's no wonder that my post are few & far between. My life with Jake - our marriage - is better than it's ever been, but a marriage is only one part. Not everything. I have started what seems like a million entries. All unfinished. All unpublished.

I'm not sure I can even put words to thoughts with all this brokenness around me.

Welcome To The World, Margaret Claire!

Margaret Claire
Born: 3.24.10 @8:33 AM
8 lbs 3 oz, 19.5 inches long

My friend Stacey, whom I have known since high school, gave birth to a daughter yesterday. Stacey & Claire are doing well. The C-Section was a little rough, & Stacey is in a lot of pain, but she assures me it is all worth it {:)

I can't wait to see them (along with Stacey's husband, Kevin) when I visit them tonight. I know the big brother, Christian, has not seen his little sister yet, but (according to FB) as soon as he wakes from his nap, he will. I am truly over the moon excited for them. Two beautiful children in a week shy of 15 months.

Amazingly blessed!

Lent: Distractions (Day 5)

In church yesterday, I was distracted. Trying really hard to listen to the message, my mind raced. Not bc our Sr. Pastor, Matthew, couldn't keep my attention, but bc I just couldn't stop thinking about so many other things.

What the heck was I thinking giving up avoidance for Lent? This is a lot more challenging than I thought. And out of my comfort zone I certainly am. Really, I should have thought this through more. It's no wonder I am distracted. I can't avoid anything. Darn it. I have to do things, deal with thoughts & feelings I would rather not & have conversations I have been dodging. Not to mention, life is a little crazy to say the least.

In case you are wondering, Dad did fine - thankfully so - with his heart surgery on this past Friday. It was his second heart surgery in 7 days. He is home now & hopefully taking it as easy as he can. Again, I found myself alone at the hospital, which I am okay with, as always.

The funny thing is though I am never alone. God, for many reasons (I think), made sure of that. He's funny that way. {:) For whatever reason, if for no other reason then to have a distraction while dad was in surgery & I needed to just talk to someone about my dad & anything & everything but my dad.

So, unexpectly, I found myself on the phone with my friend Beth. I so love her. We get each other on so many levels. And there is something to be said of true friendship that is nothing but authentic. She has given me much more than she will ever know.

Over six years ago, on my first day at my church, she is the first person who came up to me & introduced herself. She works at the church, but she's one of those people who loves her job - gives way too much of herself - often going far beyond the call of duty - & doesn't know how to be anything but genuine. Truly, we were destined to be friends. And trust me, there are not many who I say that about.

Perhaps that is why I was a little distracted yesterday. It was the day that the church announced that - after 10 years of service - Beth was leaving her job, even though her official last day is a few weeks from now.

The good thing is she's leaving her job, but not the church. And even if she were to leave the church, I don't have any worries bc we would still be friends anyway {:). I just wouldn't get one of her great hugs every Sunday (I shudder at the thought). Her hugs, are often one of things I look forward to every week.

The thing is, as hard as this may be for her, it's a good thing. She's leaving to pursue other aspects of her life. And bc I know Beth, she will have no problem staying active in the church - just as a member, that's all. I can't tell you how proud I am of her. This was so not an easy decision for her. And as her friend, I am excited to see where her path leads her now.

Being her friend, I couldn't help but share in joys & sorrows, shedding many tears right along with her. Knowing what a difficult day that it would be & that her birthday is next Sunday, I did what I do best & made her something. It turned out awesome & says volumes. I guess in a sense I used it as a form of distraction. It was as much for her as it was for me.

Maybe not all distractions are a bad thing after all.

Already Pros

By the time this post goes live (yet again), I will be on the way to the hospital. Actually, I hope I'm not on my way, but already there.

My Dad is having heart surgery again - yes, twice in one week. This time they are going to change his pacemaker/defibrillator unit this time. From what I hear, barring any complications, It won't be as long of a surgery as before.

So, I'm hoping all goes well, & he will be feeling like his old self once again. If you are inclined to do so, a prayer would be great. I'm not too sure of the details, so I will find more after I get there.

One thing is for sure though - I will have to tell him when I see him, how just have to stop meeting like this. At the rate were going we have this heart surgery thing down pat soon... Heck, now that I think about it - we are already Pros.

Update: In The Storm

I thought it was about time that I do an update on this entry that I wrote about the current circumstance that my family is in.

My brother, Lea walked away without a scratch really & now days later there is really no pains from the accident. From what I'm being told by others, like my sister-in-law, it is truly a miracle. I am so very thankful that he wasn't hurt.

Dad on the other hand is doing not so good. A little after midnight this morning, he was transferred to another local hospital & will have heart surgery early Friday morning. His internal defibrillator is baffling them, they are not sure why it is malfunctioning, but they want to go in & change it as soon as they can*. Early yesterday, before they knew what they know now there was talk of his discharge. But, upon examination &, they fear that if he goes into heart failure, it will not do it's job, not have enough power, &/or malfunction & it will not restart his heart.

*At least that is what he was told until he called me about an hour ago. Now they don't want to change his defibrillator, but do an ablation, like they did before in August of 2009.

This is so frustrating. I want to know what's going on, first hand. I want to talk to the doctors & nurses & ask questions. Not get my information from an exhausted father, who is needs oxygen, is tired of talking & his heart beating fast. What's frustrating is I am stranded, inside bc there is an insane amount of snow outside. It is a state emergency. Only emergency vehicles allowed on the road. Not loving daughters* who have sick fathers in the hospital. Can you imagine being alone & having to wait for everything? For your love ones to show up? For the doctors to help you. To just feel better?

* Don't forget the added challenge of the battle between power chair & snow & ice.

I also got a call from my mom today. Having a serious case of cabin fever, it seems that yesterday before Round 2 of this blizzard fell upon us, she went out. Upon returning, as she was turning on to her street, she got rear ended by the car behind her that saw her blinker, tried to stop, but slid into the back of her. She is okay for now.

So, that's where I am right now. I'm trying hard not to feel overwhelmed & to just do anything I can, which is basically praying. Sometimes, no matter how much I may want to do more, praying is the only thing I can do.

In The Storm

There is a blizzard outside my door.

Seriously.

It's over 2 feet already & is no where near ready to stop, only hours away from breaking records.

I got a call at 1:45 AM this morning. I hate calls like that. It is never good. Dad was waiting on the ambulance, having called after being shocked by his defibrillator 4 times - once even while I was on the phone. Turns out, he gets shocked 5 times total before they make it to the hospital.

Before he hangs up, he tells me not to call my brother til later as he was in "a little car accident yesterday." What? Nice. How come no one told me? I wonder.

I hang up. My mind races. I want to run to him. Be with him. Tell him that everything will be okay. I look at the snow outside my window & know that God has other plans. I instantly pray. For both of them.

The snow still falls.

Hours & about 11 phone calls later, I finally track my dad down. He's been admitted. I call my Grandmom & let her know what's going on. Turns out that "little car accident" wasn't so little after all.

When I talk to my SIL & brother, I find out that he was turning the corner & got T-boned by a car going more than 60 MPH. His trucked flipped. The firemen smashed his windshield to get him out.

Wearing a neck brace, he says, "I walked away without a scratch. I'm indestructible, Shannon." I wish he was joking, but deep down, I know he believes this. He always has.

I hang up. Say a silent prayer. I am reminded that there is nothing I can do that I have not already done. For either of them. A calm & warmth fill me.

And the snow still falls.

Update: Rachel

Rachel & Me, May 2005

Rachel is still in the hospital. She was scoped yesterday, so that the doctors can see what's going on. I'm not sure too much of the details, but I do know that they started her on IV steroids, which she, & everyone else for that matter, was hoping would not happen.

I don't know how she is handling all this. She is in so much pain, not sleeping well & no one can really tell her what the hell is going on. I hate Crohn's. Why there is there is even such a horrible disease existence I will never understand.

There seems to be a lot I don't understand now a days. So all I do is pray.

Long Day

It's 11 PM & I am finally home. It has been such a long day. We started out at church & ended up going to the hospital.

My friend Rachel is in a local hospital for some complications which, I guess, are linked to her Crohn's disease. I don't think they really know what's going on, especially since they told her (& she has the picture to prove it) that she was in remission a short 2 1/2 months ago.

Sometimes there are days when I wish there were things I could do for her & knowing that there really is nothing that I can - I just try to be the best friend that I can be to her.

So, for now I wait & pray & just hope that she gets what she needs & stays strong for what ever comes her way.

Heaven's A Little Brighter Tonight

Easter 2008

The world's a little darker & Heaven's a little brighter tonight. At 5:15 PM (EST), this wonderful lady whom I affectionately call Momma Nancy, lost her battle to live & finally went home to be with Jesus & so many loved ones before her.

Please pray that her family & loved ones are comforted during this time of tremendous loss.

I can honestly say that without her support, love & laughter throughout the years, I would not be who I am today. There is not enough gratitude on this planet that even comes close to what I owe her.

I love you. I love you. I love you. Thank you for making this world such a better place by not only being in it, but by touching so many others with your beauty & grace.

Jake & I will miss you dearly. Butterfly, Emu!

Big Changes!

This post is a bunch of mix & match thoughts. A little of everything!

Remember Stellan? Well, he finally went to Boston for that ablation. And I'm overjoyed to report, that it went GREAT. Read about it here. He & his family could still use prayers during his recovery. Again, I am in awe at what God can do.

In other news, this blog is going to be going through changes of its own. I am super excited & can't wait to see what's in store. You'll just have to wait & see with me. {:)

Also, for the last couple of days, I've been rethinking somethings. To be honest, I'm not done thinking things through. There have been some big changes in my life & the way I see things, which I will share in the coming days.

Tonight, I'm going to Mandy's house to have dinner with her mom. I'm super excited to get to see Momma Dawne, but it's bitter sweet - oh how I wish I was seeing Mandy too. I just miss her so much!

Jake has been working SO HARD, with long hours it is crazy. Then, on top of that, he has been working over mom's to help out, & helping with Dad & stuff. It's difficult to find time to spend together. I'm so proud of him though. He really does love his job & is a very hard worker.

The weather here is crazy & ever changing. It's been beautiful weather the past couple of days, but cold at times. Coupled with the fact that thanks to daylight savings time, it gets dark SO early - you got a picture of Maryland weather. Changes in the weather are always crazy for me as it makes me have to mange my pain better. However, the beautiful colors in the leaves make up for it all.

Enough randomness for now. What's changes are you facing? Do tell, I'm listening.

Stepping Back

It's after 3 AM & I can't sleep. Two days ago, Dad had another visit to the the ER with rapid heartbeat & feeling like he was going to pass out. The good news is his defibrillator, actually doing its job, shocked him into normal rhythm, so they only kept him for a couple of hours & told him to follow up with his doctor.

Apparently,this rythem, wasn't as tricky as this one, only a few short weeks ago. Remember? I am so glad that he is feeling better but I wish that the doctors would figure out what would work best for him, so that he could feel better for longer periods of time. Whether it would be more testing, oxegen at home, a medication adjustment, ect.

Again, I'm trying to keep faith that everything will turn out like it's supposed to be & taking it one day at a time. I have found that's what works best for me. When I am at a lost for what to do, how to make things better, I try to take a step back & see the bigger picture, which sometimes is not easy to do.

So, this is me, breathing in, stepping back, with my eyes wide open...

Not Me Monday: Taking Flight & Staying Grounded

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

It has not been forever (or it seems that way) since my last post. I have not been busy focusing on family. No, Not Me!

Friday morning, my dad did did not call 911, get rushed to the hospital with a rapid heart rate and extreme difficulty breathing. Which resulted in Jake & me rushing to Dad's local hospital. No, Not Me!

After several doses of medicine to slow his 145+ (at rest) heartbeat failed & wondering why his pacemaker/defibrillator was not shocking him back into normal sinus rhythm, the doctors did not decide to Life Flight him to another hospital. And I didn't take pictures of it bc I thought when he was feeling better, Dad might like to see them. No, Not Me!

When we arrived at the second hospital, we were not told that the doctors shocked my dad's heart back to normal rhythm & that he would need a procedure called an ablation so that this pesky rhythm that baffles the pacemaker into not firing (or it's firing has no effects on) does not occur again. No, Not Dad!

Dad did not also have a bunch of other breathing issues like COPD (for one) & an infection on top of everything else, which has not been getting better day by day. And he was not in (& still is) in heart failure. No, Not Dad!

They did not almost release him today, without an ablation & say he could go home (much to our family's dismay). So, that Jake could call out of work yet again, so that he could take him home - only to find that they are going to keep him & do the procedure in a couple of days (Praise Him). No, Not them!

I have not stayed grounded with my feet firmly planted on the ground. I have not done remarkably well through this whole ordeal (so I've been told) - keeping the faith that everything will work out how it is supposed to be according to His Plan. No, Not Me!

Oh, and I'm not asking for you to please send up a prayer on Dad's behalf, if you are so inclined to do so. No, Not Me!

Timeline of Life

It seems like forever since I've written, maybe that is because it has been. This world around me is forever changing... Time moves on whether, I want it to or not. Since my last post, a lot has happened, some good some not so good. Here's a list:

May 10: Jake starts another job with the same company he's been working for, just a different position but with more pay.

May 13: Heather's maternal grand mom passed away.

May 14: Our fourth year wedding anniversary; took Jesse to the vet, got my wheelchair fixed, and went to pay my respects to Heather's family. All, and all just another ordinary day (and part of me believes that's why anniversaries should be, partly because that's what marriage and life is about).

May 15: Get a call from mom saying she is not feeling well, is very dizzy, and that her kitchen table is so messy that she is going to make homemade soup, despite the world spinning around her. Call and checked on her four times throughout the day and night, she does not remember me calling at all.

May 16: Attend Heather's Grandmom's funeral, but decide not to go to the cemetery because it has been raining and all I know my chair will get stuck in the mud.

Between funeral and wake, I call mom and stop by to pick something up from the porch. She is still not feeling well and is very dizzy.

About thirty minutes later, mom calls and ask if we could take her to Patient First (urgent care) after we get done eating. Before we are done, mom's neighbor Sue calls and says that an ambulance is taking mom to the hospital.

2 PM - We go to the hospital, and beat the ambulance there (I find out later that it was because they could not stabilize her for transport). When I talk to mom, she is slurring her words, vomiting and dizzy.

Hours later they run a CAT scan, and it comes back clean, but they think she has had a stroke.

May 17: 1215 AM - Mom is safe in her hospital bed, on the heart unit and we finally come home for the night.

I return to the hospital in the morning and stay till late at night. Nothings new. It's Sunday. Hospitals do nothing on Sundays. Dizziness and vomiting continue. I inquire why mom's on the heart unit. They say it's because she has a heart memoir (which we've known for years) and memoirs can cause blood clots, which then can cause strokes.

May 18: Mom still dizzy, but is able to keep down food.

May 19: They run an MRI and discover that mom has had several mini strokes. They move he to the stroke unit.

May 20: Mom is released from hospital and told to follow up with her doctors. I meet with Mandy's mom and get pictures to do her memory boards from the memorial.

May 21: Start on the memory pieces for Mandy. Very worried about mom.

May 22: Scrapping the memory board, pull an all nighter.

May 23: Exactly one month after Mandy dies, I attend Mandy's memorial.

There is so much more stuff that has happened, but that timeline gives you an idea of it mostly. The bottom line is, there is a lot going on, as always.

I'm just doing what I've learned works for me. Keeping the faith, positive thoughts, and many prayers... Because, in the end, everything happens for a reason & the way it is supposed to be.