The Begining of Forever

I am so undoubtedly in love with my husband. I really am.

I have known Jake since 1995, we met at community college. He was one of my best guy friends. We did a lot together - running Disabled Students Association together, both being extremely active on all the clubs on campus, going on leadership retreats etc... I was so smitten by him then it was insane, enough to drive a person crazy if she let it.

He had no clue. The only that knew the total truth was my best friend, Thea. One day, well - several days actually -I confessed my love for him and told her one day I would marry him. Not wanting to risk the great friendship we had, I stayed silent and he remained clueless.

Then in 1999, I graduated and moved on to a University to pursue my next degree. I didn't look back. I couldn't. If I had, I might not have the degrees I do now.

See, the college I was at was, to say the least, warm and fuzzy, but it was on the brink of changing - combining with two other area community colleges to become one college that had many campuses. I had numerous meaningful relationships from there and I feared that if I didn't make a clean break, I would never be able to leave. So I left, leaving everything and everyone behind.

Years later, in 2003, I became a student recruiter for my university and had returned to the very college I had run from four years before. To my surprise (and delight), Jake was still there, so we chatted and I mentioned we should get together. We had exchanged numbers, and I didn't bother to tell him that I still had his number in my address book at home.

Over the next couple of weeks we talked a lot on the phone, which I find ironic now because Jake HATES talking on the phone. We would talk for hours, even falling asleep on each other many nights.

Finally, we went out on March 16, 2003, the day before St. Patrick's Day. We went to see the movie "Bringing Down the House" staring Queen Latifa and Steve Martin at The Avenue. Afterwards we ate dinner at Red Brick Station then went to look around and chat at Barnes and Noble.

I was so giddy. I so loved his eyes. He has a funny thing he does with eyes and eyebrows, some would call it a quirk. I have always loved that about him. Of course, I have always been an eye person, ever since I can remember. And I truly believe, as cliche as it is, that the eyes are the windows of the soul.

Sometime during the evening, I had decided to risk it all. What did I have to lose? Nothing. So right there, in the Barnes and Noble Cafe, I asked him out. He said yes. We kissed and i told him. "I've waited eight years for that kiss." That was the beginning of forever.

You know what's funny about all of this? On one of our phone conversation before that night, I remember telling him that it was strange that over the last few weeks four guys had asked me out and I had turned them all down.

I know what you are thinking, I turned them down because I wanted to be with Jake. Wrong. You couldn't be more wrong. Strangely enough, this occurred in the weeks prior of reconnecting with him. I turned them all down because I didn't fore see my relationship or friendship with them turning into something more. And I so desperately wanted more.

For once, I was happy in my life, content where I was knowing that I was where I was supposed to be. Months prior, I had had enough. Enough of everything. Feeling like I wasn't enough, depressed because I was alone, disconnected from life, being distant from friends, and just hating life. Enough was enough, finally. Coming to that point was difficult but very needed. That's where faith came in.

My faith has been interesting to say the least. There have been many battles throughout my years with God. I love Him so much, yet there were many times when I hated Him. Believe it or not, it is during these times of hatred, discontent and questioning that my faith grew the most. I am a firm believer that prayer does not change God, it changes you. So I did what I had always done, prayed. This time was different though. I surrendered.

"Okay God. You know me, and you know what is best for me. You know and see the ultimate plan for my life, and I know it differs from my plan. I know that You have someone for me to be with and I trust You. I trust that You will send him to me in Your time, not mine. You are one in control, so I am handing it to You. I surrender my all."

Jake is not perfect. Not anywhere near perfect. There are times when he is very much a boy in a man's body; however, I have heard that he's not the only husband with that problem. We fight and disagree, but in the end, we love each other. We have had our struggles, and yes, I wish that he would get would get his act together, for the sake of the family we want. I must say though - I am not perfect either nor have I ever claimed to be.

Relationships - all of them - take work from both parties, it's very difficult to salvage a relationship that is one sided. Believe me. I've have tried. Jake loves me no matter what I've been through, where I came from, no matter how sick I get, how much I weigh or what I look like. Here is the most important though - he loves me no matter how broken I feel. How broken I am. He loves me, for me.