Somewhere Only We Know

Feeling this tonight. Something beautiful & truthful about it.

Saying Sunday: The Company We Keep

"The key is to keep company only with people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best."

~Epictetus
Greek Philosopher associated with the Stoics
AD 55-c.135

Stop The World

It still feels like I am moving in slow motion. The world spinning entirely too fast & life moving on while I am standing still trying to figure out what in the world just happened to my life.

Just make it stop. Slow down. So I can hear You. I know You are here. And I know, beyond it all, I am loved.

Saying Sundays: Look Deeply

“If you look deeply into the palm of your hand, you will see your parents and all generations of your ancestors. All of them are alive in this moment. Each is present in your body. You are the continuation of each of these people."

Thich Nhat Hanh
Vietnamese Monk, Activist and Writer
b.1926

Missing In Action

So, I haven't quite been MIA, but how come I feel I have? There's just so much going on, sometimes it makes my head spin. Not that there is so much to do, but rather that I just got a lot going on I feel I just can't keep myself straight with all my thoughts & feelings swirling around in my head.

It is quite overwhelming.

In the past week or so, I've started 3 post that I just can't seem to finish. My heart is just not that into it, so there they sit until my heart catches up or I catch my breath - either way.

While I deeply love my husband, I must admit we aren't seeing eye to eye right now. It's not that we are fighting bc we are not. More so, that I feel we are not on the same page with a lot of things at the moment. He thinks everything is dandy, I on the other hand do not.

As a wife, I feel unheard, unsupported, & yes, even unloved. There is so much in a marriage that does not have to do with physical affection. As a man, I'm sure - yes, absolutely sure - that he would be quite fine with just connecting on a physical level, while I, on the other hand, need so much more. So, so, much more.

This doesn't help matters any that I'm already feeling disconnected in other areas of my life at the moment. I feel nothing is gelling with me. I am in the middle of grieving - not just for Mandy, but for other things & people too (some of which have stayed unwritten on here as of yet). I am not feeling connected to my family as much as I would love to be. Nor I feeling connected to Jake's family for that matter.

The one thing - & only thing - I feel I have going for me at the moment is my connection to God & my church, & to be completely honest - I am - & have for not only weeks now, but months -have been feeling so discontent & disconnected there.

I absolutely love my church. It is truly beyond words how I feel about it. It is the most accepting place ever & has hands down been the only church I have truly loved. It has been the longest one I have attended regularly too. Well, with out years upon years of gaps in between for whatever reason.

I just feel that there is something missing for me. A deeper connection to the people that I'm not getting. I want that genuine connection that I'm not sure is there, not anymore. Truthfully, there are very few at the moment that I feel I can be completely unedited genuine with. There has to be more to this. There just has to be.

So, why haven't I left yet? It's is neither that easy nor that simple. Nothing in life ever is. First, is where I love to be. When all else fails, I can always connect there. I am happiest when I'm taking pictures there. Seeing things that others don't through the lens of my camera. I see things like this, just sitting in the sanctuary -right during service.

Second, I truly love the people. Some of the most amazing people I have met in life, I have met there. Even if many of them don't attend the church anymore. They don't stop being amazing, bc they go to another church now.

And hands down, I have grown the most & been given a true opportunity to question, explore, grow & enhance my connection with God there. And reflecting back on it - although it has not at all been easy - it has been life altering & I could not & would not change that for anything.

So, why am I trying so hard to stick it out there? Not look for another church, that may be a better fit for me, when I feel so disconnected & truly believe on some level that may be it is time to move on? Well, it's bc of how disconnected I feel. Say what? Isn't that what I've been saying all along? Well, yes. Sort of.

If I leave now, & trust me it is scary to me how close I have become to doing so, I may never know how I truly feel. Is it I feel disconnected at my church or I'm I just feeling that about life right now? What if I leave, sever ties, - like I did before in another place & time in my life -& don't look back, & it's not so much my church as it is me?

What if the problem is I'm just going through a rough season & among a myriad of emotions discontent is one of them & it's spilling over into how I feel about my church? It's been known to happen.

So, here I sit at nearly 5 AM, feeling like I'm missing something. Something I should be getting. That I am truly MIA, just waiting to be found.

Just Because

It is March 13, Nearly 3 whole months after Christmas, yet our tree - which is fully decorated is still up. I ask Jake to take it down every couple of days, but it is not even on his list of things to do. I will gladly help, but I can't do it alone.

In a couple of hours, it is daylight savings time. We will lose an hour in the middle of the night. I feel I have lost a lot of things lately, time is only one aspect. I don't know why I am finding myself doing these Stream of Conscience post lately, or find myself in mixed moods, but maybe it is good not to question much - at least if I can't know the answers. It just might work well for me.

Beth's party was last night at church. I had a blast. Mostly I was found chatting & taking pictures, two roles I fall into easily. Hung out afterwards with some awesome people from church at a local restaurant. It was nice to connect with others with ease for once.

I - for whatever reason - am not sure why - I am not looking forward to going to church tomorrow. It is not bc of anyone in particular, just feel not into it. Strange thing is - I have a feeling I need to hear whatever the message is & there is an important farm meeting afterwards, which I have been looking forward to for weeks. It will be interesting to see what Beth does tomorrow, considering she is not on staff anymore. She will actually be able to stay for the whole service. Too cool. I'm pretty sure that's a first in the whole ten years & nine days that she was on staff.

Jake worked at a friend's house today. He is helping them with work in their house. Actually, both her & her husband are friends of our family. He was gone many hours, which does not bother me. What does bother me though is he didn't call once, not to check on me, but just bc. How come he doesn't call for anything when all I can do is think about him all day... missing him just bc... just bc I love him?

Go figure. And good night.

Running Fast

The sun is shinning. It is a new day. And it is beautiful.

There is no doubt that Spring is around the corner. I can't wait.

There is something that happens when I step into the sun & breathe the fresh air in deeply. All of a sudden, I feel connected. At peace. And even though I know everything may not turn out how I would like it to be, it's going to be okay.

I do not know how I know that - I just do. I deeply desire to return to when things were simple, not so complicated. Go to back to basics. Strip it all away. Cherish & hold close what is most important in life.

My days, weeks, & months leading up to this point, have been extremely to complex, sometimes even too complicated for words. My thoughts, although fewer than in the days passed, are still complicated; however, I can think more clearly & it is not overwhelming at all now.

If you were to asked me what has changed, I cannot tell you. I cannot tell you what I do not know. It is as simple as that. I still have many thoughts & many, many feelings. They haven't gone any where. They are still there. Waiting in the background.

I don't know how long this feeling will last, but I willfully soak it in, for as ever long. It's almost as if I woke up covered in God's mercy. As if he has said, "That's enough, my child, come to me & rest."

And, tired & exhausted, I ran... As fast as I could.

Waiting For Something Better

It has been forever since I have written. In reality, only 6 days, but if feels like forever.

Christmas is in 3 days & I'm not ready. The tree is up with lights, but it is not decorated. Saturday came & went & dumped 2 feet of snow upon us. It is a mess in Maryland.

Everything is in slow motion & I hate it. I am not being humbugish, but it is true that I just want this holiday to go away. I want nothing more then to wake up on the 26th & things to be done & over with.

I just don't have my heart into it this year. I miss Mandy, Momma Nancy, Lynne & Pete. Oh how I wish I had a child to throw my energy into right at the moment, but I don't. Not that a child would make it all better.

I'm a firm believer in children should not be born with a job, such as those who have children in an attempt to save a relationship*. However, I know me & the truth is that I know that if I were a mom at this very moment, I would focus on making Christmas enjoyable for my child.

*Let me make it clear that even though Jake & I are having our struggles at the moment, our marriage itself is not in jeopardy.

Truthfully, I want nothing more then to make this holiday about me connecting with my husband & us both connecting with the God who wants nothing but the best for us.

It seems that over time this holiday has lost its focus. Family dwindles away. It becomes about what you get instead of focusing on what you already have & the intrinsic things you can give or the gifts that cost nothing.

And another thing - while I love & am very grateful for the children that our a part of our lives - I get tired of being Aunt Shannon to OPC* sometimes & wonder when it's our turn to be parents.

* Other People's Children

The most frustrating thing at the moment is trusting. Truthfully, I will readily tell you that I have trust issues. I always have. And I must admit that even as strong as my faith is sometimes those trust issues carry over to trusting God.

Over time, He has showed me that His plan that happens on His time is far more superior than my plan. In fact, it is not only superior, but the result that often occurs when I submit to His plan is far more greater than I have ever could have imagined.

So, for now I wait. Trying to trust bc I know there is something better for me. There has to be.

Before Tomorrow Comes

Thank God for Facebook. Seriously. Can I get an Amen? {:)

Every once in a while something will happen to make my day, week, even my whole month & just have me beaming from ear-to-ear.

Last night, I reconnected with a friend of mine that I had lost touch with long ago. Nine years have gone by since I saw or heard from her - we both had just lost each other's info, as happens sometime - all too often in fact.

I had searched for her many times, but could never find her. Imagine my surprise & delight when I logged on & saw a friend request waiting from her. She had only signed up on FB the day before.

We spent hours talking on the phone until after 3 AM. I can't wait to see her (& her daughter, who was as a infant last time I held her & is now 9 - 9!) but I know that will have to wait since they live in another state.

Sometimes, I just stand in awe at how things take place. To come back again, after so much time has passed, after people change & life happens. It is so nice to reconnect with someone whom often was thought about & you just want to say "Hey, remember that little thing you did for me way back then? Well, thanks bc it meant so much!"

Just imagine how different life would be if everyone took time right now to say to everyone just what they mean in there life today, before tomorrow comes. Bc in the end, it's the family, friendship &, most importantly the love that matters & tomorrow is promised to no one.

The Journey

I recently wrote a friend & said, "I have learned that the great things in life that make the biggest impacts are not always easy nor or they simple. And I truly believe it is the journey that we go on along the way that makes us who we are."

True life, real life, is about how we live. You know - when we stop going through the motions, stop existing & start living. It's not an easy task, to live. It's much easier to just be alive, but that is not who we were meant to be. We were meant to be more.

We were created to feel, to be real with one another - open & honest, to trust, to love, to be human. Every one's journey is different - some more difficult than others. Who am I to say mine is more difficult than yours or vice versa?

Life - REAL life - is difficult. Lessons learned are hard. So realize as you are on your journey, I'm on my own too. And I hope that that you, too, no matter how difficult are living & not just alive.

All That Matters

Things have been nothing short of crazy; however, every once in a while - when I'm able to breathe again - I can see things differently.

God is amazing. He designed us to be complex, ever-changing beings, who have the ability to think for ourselves & love one another deeply, as long as we give ourselves permission to do so. That's the beautiful thing about free will, we are never forced to really do anything. It has always been a choice - our choice.

Remember this? Well, with hesitation & readiness, I took the plunge & went to my first session. It turned out well, & left me much to think about & reflect on. Was it scary & difficult, undoubtedly. The thing is that God made sure that I had the perfect person to go on this journey with me, which I believe is a true blessing & not an accident at all.

I see things differently now & I am surprised at how quickly I am able to see things that I've never saw before. This is just the beginning for me & I am positive that I'm on a journey of healing that I will continue on for the rest of my life.

Upon reflection, the song "I Need You To Love Me" by Barlow Girl is very fitting. Give it a listen (but first scroll to the bottom of this page & pause the other music). No, really. It will only take a minute - well, 4 minutes & 25 seconds to be exact, but listen anyway. Seriously.



I do, no doubt, have a purpose in not only my life, but in this world. I don't need to know what that purpose is, only that there is one. And I am loved. Even when I don't think I deserve to be. No matter what has happened or will happen, God loves me - even if I am imperfectly broken. And in the end, that's all that truly matters.

The Secret

I often wonder how people do things. You know the people who seem to have it all together. I wish I knew their secret.

Believe it or not, I am not one of those people. Sure, there appears to be times when things are going great & life is just flowing along, but having it together? Now, that's a different story.

Don't get me wrong - life is good. It's just that there doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to get everything done that I need or want to get done.

I have this desire to get connected & stay connected. I am not sure who or what I want to connect to, but if I had to guess I think the answer would be to God & others around me. In that order.

While it very true that I always am connected, I don't always FEEL connected. Do you ever feel like that? It's as if I want to see the bigger picture, but can't.

And those people who have it all together... Well, I guess it is possible that they don't really have it all together. Maybe, just maybe - they are disconnected too.

Dear God

Dear God,

I am so unworthy of your perfect love. Help me remember that I am perfect just as you have made me & everything happens in your time. Help me be more patient. I want to shut out this world & focus on you & only you. For you are the only one who truly matters.

Help me get connected & stay connected - to you and others who you placed in my life. Thank you for putting friends & the perfect people in my life at the perfect time. Help me trust them. And trust that all things work for good.

I choose you. I want to feel you - always; not only in good times, but in bad. I know that you are ALWAYS with me no matter what I face. I cannot do this without you. I need you and only you.

Love Always, Your Child,

Unplugged

Sometimes - just sometimes - I want to disappear. Not die, disappear. Don't get the two confused. I've been feeling that way a lot lately. I'm just done with a lot of things. I am burnt out & I need time away from it all. I want to unplug.

I cannot give you, or anyone else for that matter, what I don't have. And if that upsets you. I'm sorry. I truly am. Sometimes, the world isn't all about you.

I am stretched thin. Too much giving without enough getting. Too much not being heard. Everyone needs someone to listen. Do you really think I am that different? Too much existing not enough living.

Then there is Jake, the biggest one who does not get it. And before you ask, no we are not having problems in our marriage - No we do not want to break up. Yes, I'm still desperately in love with him. He is just unplugged.

I don't know where he's been these past couple of weeks, but I wish he would come back. It's like he is just going through the motions. Maybe he is spent too. Don't get me wrong - he's here. He's just not connected. I just need him to get reconnected. To plug in. To totally get it.

And he doesn't get it. Neither does his family. I am sick of giving everything to them & getting nothing in return. I wonder if God ever feels that way? I know I feel that way a lot. I'm so done with not getting appreciated. So done with not being acknowledged. So done with not being respected.

The thing is, the thing that no one gets - is I'm going through my own stuff. And I'm not really sure it's stuff I want to talk about or even know how to begin talking about right at the moment. So, yes - I want to unplug. I want to disappear. Just for a little while. Just so I can find me - & my normal - again.