Finding Bill

Every once in a while, when things are stressed & crazy in my life, something will happen to put things in perspective. That's how I felt this past Friday when my phone rang.

We met in our freshman year of high school, destined to be friends when our science teacher, Mr. Z., sat us next to each other. And that's what we were... great friends. He quickly became one of my best friends, although I am not certain I was one of his (for that you would have to ask him).

When we met depression consumed me & my life was dark, but Bill didn't care. In fact, in some strange way he understood. Looking back, I really can't believe just how screwed up I was inside & I'm grateful that there were a few friends who could see past the muck & see me for me, not the me who I was back then.

Bill & I have a pattern in our friendship... One that I hope will never happen again. You see, half way through our freshman year, he had to move. My heart was broken. Even though I did not & do not love him romantically, there is no doubt that I do love him, as much as anyone would love a true friend, one that is meant to be cherished.

For many years after he moved, we stayed in touch, but one day we just went out of touch & life went on. Then a couple of years went by & I was in a store with my mom & Bill, who was an employee there, walked up to me. As if no time had passed, we started talking again & hanging out & for a few months things were great. Until one day he told me that he was moving to another state to try & have a relationship with his dad.

After that, I did what I swore I would never do again... We lost touch. Losing him again drove me crazy. I searched everywhere I could think for a way to find him again... Searched for his family, made cold calls to people with his same name, searched My Space & Facebook periodically, Jacob even helped me look at times. Each time I searched throughout the years, I would find nothing. And the years went on & so much time passed.

Then in late November I searched Facebook again & much to my surprise, he was there! I just can't tell you how excited I was... I even woke Jake up to tell him that I found him {:) The rest is really just your typical lost friend reconnect story...

This past Friday, we went out to lunch, saw a movie (BTW, if you haven't seen Avatar, you must go see it. In I-Max if you can. It is absolutely visually stunning!), & even met up with Jacob for dinner. I couldn't wait for them to meet. All in all, it was a fantastic day! And it gave us time to catch up, bc both of our lives have changed so much in the years gone by.

Me & Bill, January 15, 2010

After all of that, I am reminded - In the end, it's not the details that matter, just the friendship that still remains.

Enough Questions

Do you ever wonder if you are doing enough?

I wonder that all the time. Am I doing enough as a wife? Am I doing enough as a daughter? Or a sister? Or friend? Often times I wonder if I'm doing enough as a Christian. I must confess that what ever the version of the question is the core remains the same. Am I really doing enough?

Having lost so much in life has given me a unique outlook. I am in no way naive or in anyway sheltered. I am a person who feels deeply & thinks (& rethinks) often. Although I don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon, I often find myself wondering if I were gone tomorrow would this be enough? Would my life matter? What would my legacy be?

Jacob & I have been married for 4 years & 8 months exactly today... Sometimes, I am tortured by the fact that we don't have children yet. It bothers me. And I know that it bothers Jacob. I know that things will happen in time, to be more specific God's time, but that doesn't make it hurt any less or the aching subside.

As much as I love the people in my life who have their own children & am so very grateful that they allow me to love their children as if they are my own, there is always a reminder that I am still childless. At the end of the day, they get the the kisses, the snuggles, the tucking in for the night's sleep (hopefully), ect...

Most of the time I don't let it bother me. I tend to look on the positive side rather than the negative. It's not what I don't have as much as it is what I do have. However, every once in a while, I'm blindsided & the tears flow freely like the dam burst & I'm exposed.

Like on this past Christmas morning when FIL allowed my nephews & niece open gifts before I was even told they were here. I couldn't control myself & I lost it. I remained unusually quiet, as huge tears fell with each blink, my face turned some shade of red (I'm sure) & my nose became instantly stuffy. As FIL said he was sorry & just simply said:

"It's just that we don't have any children to watch on Christmas morning..."

So forgive me if it bothers you that I'm riddled with huge questions. The questions are always there - just bc I choose not to focus on them all the time doesn't mean they don't exists. And at the days end I just hope that who I am & what I've done is enough... for now.

Happy 1st Birthday, Beautiful Blue Eyed Boy!

It's New Year's Eve, but more importantly to me, someone very special turns one today.

His name is Christian Soren. And the first time I laid eyes on him when he was only a day old, I fell in love. Can you tell?

His mom Stacey & I have been friends since high school. She was one of my best friends. In fact, she still is. There are times when I truly would be lost without her. I don't have any sisters, but I as far as I am concerned, she is part of my family.

Remember when I wrote this? Well, Stacey is one of those people who helped me fight against the darkness. I would not be who I am today, if she were not the friend she was back then.

Yes, there were others who helped too, but not like her. She was & is very different. One of her best assets is her ability to make others laugh, especially me. And back then, there wasn't much to smile about - much less laugh, but she always found a way. Not to mention, she has this uncanny no nonsense, tell-it-like-it-is attitude, & I love that about her.

It brings me nothing but joy to share in her happiness to be a mother.

Some people who don't have children, but want them badly (like me), don't care to be happy for others who have what they desire. I am not that way. I just can't be. How can I not be happy for her? She would be happy for me, if the situation were reverse. As for her being a mother, just like she is a friend, she is a fantastic mother.

In fact, she waited, wanted, desired & prayed to be a mother for more than seven years, probably longer. And then, when she & her husband, Kevin, least expected it, along came Christian. In fact, Christian is due to have a sibling in March of 2010! How exciting! If you would like to know more about Stacey & her wonderful family, you can do so on her blog.

Now, back to the Birthday Boy... He the bluest eyes I think that I have ever seen. And trust me, I've seen some eyes!

His gaze is as intense as his eyes. It's as if he can see right through you to your soul. His smile can warm the coldest of nights & make the darkest of days bright. His laugh is infectious.

Never in my life have I seen cheeks like these or a dimple like this:
They just beg to be kissed, don't you agree?

So, Happy Birthday, Little Blue Eyed Dimpled Darling. May you continue to grow, be healthy & happy while bringing joy & laughter into every one's life that you touch. You are very loved & will grow up passing that love on in ways yet unknown. I just know you are destined to do great things!

God's Mercy

Dear So & So,

Remember when you said, "God in His gracious mercy allows us to "fall apart" emotionally when some how it is safe to do so and somewhere inside knows it is time and we are ready. So even though it hurts, it is really a good thing - it means an opportunity to find freedom for baggage we have been carrying around for a long time"? I just wanted to tell you that I wholeheartedly agree with that statement.

However, just bc I agree does not mean I "do" falling apart well. I am an amazingly strong person. Very few people get to see me fall apart, & that is okay. What I told you before is true, sooner or later, one must stop being a victim & be the survivor. I chose the ladder; however many do not.

Even though I am a survivor, there is no denying that my past still effects me on a daily basis. I do not live in denial, or as I like to call it - Don't Even kNow I Am Lying. God has done amazing things in me and continues to do so, even as I face difficult times, at the moment.

I am facing tremendous struggles at home at the moment, which has caused me to have to let go of certain things, which has truly been emotionally draining, and in one instance, devastating.

And to add to all the changes I am facing, Mandy's birthday is tomorrow. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her. I know that I will see her again someday, and I am truly happy that she's in heaven; however, that does not mean I miss her any less (This is nothing new to me or the regular readers of my blog, but I cannot change my feelings or thoughts about the matter).

Maybe it's just me but I don't see her as a loss, but a blessing. I was and am truly blessed for knowing her, loving her & having nearly 20 years of friendship with her. I have a choice - I can choose to dwell on the loss or I can chose to embrace the beautiful friendship God gave me no matter how long it lasted.

So, yes, God's Mercy is gracious, indeed.

Blessings,

Plans & Moving On

What a long day week. Our friend, Mike, whom I affectionately call Charlie (two names, one person), moved in his new apartment this week. For those who know him & his story (which is his story to tell, not mine), I truly hope this is the fresh new start he needs.

Being the good friends we are, we helped him move, assembled things, took him to stores, picked up things for him, put things away, ect... Often leaving his place in the late early hours of the night morning. Needless to say we are are all exhausted, but that's what friends do, right? Especially after over 22 years of friendship.

I feel as if I put my life on hold this week. Calls gone unanswered. Sleep unhad. Appointments not scheduled. The house not cleaned. Duties neglected. However, it was my choice to help him, & I have no regrets. Why should I? He certainly does quite enough for us & he does not have many he can truly depend on.

I have found myself reflecting a lot this week. Time & time again, I could not believe I was helping him move again. Into his own apartment. Alone. It just affirmed to me (yet again) - more than ever - that sometimes our plans are not, in deed, God's plans. No matter how right those plans seem to be at the time, He is the true Planner of it all.

And that may make all the difference in your world.

With Every End, A New Beginning

Breathing deep, I take in the morning. I have no idea what this day will bring, nor the night, but something tells me I should start by writing. There is a unfamiliar peace over me, with a million and one thoughts in my head.

Thoughts of Mandy fill occupy my mind & I miss her more than ever. I think it's because Pee Wee is supposed to go to the vet later, since he got hurt a week and a half ago, and I have no doubt in my mind that she would want every detail and would be worried.

Somethings are coming to an end, while new things are beginning. T-Ball and Little League are ending for my nephews, and hopefully soccer is going to begin soon. I so love them with every fiber of my being, and it brings me much joy to watch them play.

As a bonus, I'm becomming friends with the T-ball coach's wife, and I feel as if I've known her forever. Ashley and her family are good people and I love seeing them, and I hope to do more of it in the future. I am glad we met and I hope we are friends for a long time - firmly believing, there is a reason for everything, even if I the reason has not revealed itself yet. Also, the reason my never reveal itself, and I'm okay with that too.

Jake and I, now that he has a new position at work and is available Sunday morning, have started attending church again. Also, Mike has started going with us, just as he had done years ago. He is so much like the little brother I never had, and I love watching him grow, in multiple ways. I do not rejoyce in the difficult life changes he is experiencing, but I believe he is a better person for having gone through them, and truly believe he will be a better - stronger - person in the end.

I have all these questions, with no easy answers, and some with know answeres at all. I can't figure outwhy I feel so different these last couple of weeks, I just know I do. Maybe it's not for me to figure out. Maybe, just maybe, we're not meant to know certain things.

Eight Days

Amanda Lynn Ways

October 21, 1976 - April 23, 2009

Dear Mandy,

It's been eight days since you left us, and it's hard to believe your gone. You are the last thing I think of at night and the first thing I think of when I awake - that's if I get sleep at all. It is hard to put almost two decades of friendship into words, almost an impossible task.

What we had, is what I hope everyone finds in her lifetime - a true unconditional friendship that withstands anything and everything. Sure there were times when our lives took different paths, as life has a tendency to do, but our path always lead us back, as if no time had past at all.

Sometime soon, I must find the words to thank Dina. Who knew that when she introduced us that she had unknowingly gave us both such a wonderful gift. Each other.

There is no doubt in my mind that we were meant to be friends. I'm sure years later, we would have met through Lynne and Bob, but it wouldn't have been the same. Those first years of our friendship are priceless and irreplaceable. I've always believed that God gives you what you need when you need it the most, and that is so true with us.

I miss you. I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. I miss your voice. I miss your ever so detailed stories. I miss your corky sense of humor that you inherited from your dad. I miss your tell it like it is attitude that you inherited from your mom. I miss your spunk. And I miss your spirit.

They say hind sight is twenty-twenty. I truly believe you knew you were leaving us, before any of us knew. Over the last few days, I have heard from many people, time and time again, tell me just how lucky and blessed you were to have me as a friend. That may be true, but I see it differently - I am the lucky one and I'm the blessed one because you were my friend. You truly were a gift to not only me, but this world.

Please watch over us from Heaven, my beautiful butterfly. I love you.

Love Always and Forever,