Still

Dear Mandy,

I have no idea why I'm writing this letter. All I know is I miss you. With my whole entire being, I miss you. It's almost as if the day you died a part of my soul shattered - never be the same again.

I don't know why, but I found myself going through & rereading some of your e-mails today. And I believe that on some level you knew your time on earth was limited.

You know that I'm a healthy skeptic. I don't buy into a lot of things, but I do believe that you & your energy lives on. And not that I buy into all the Mediums & such, but I do believe that there are certain people who have certain gifts. And that things exist on a higher level in ways that we cannot even begin to comprehend.

For whatever reason I found myself looking for quotes by John Edward and found this, & it made me think of you:

"I believe that before anybody makes the journey to the other side, we have to know on a soul level that we are leaving, whether it's an accident or illness,and we prepare ourselves to a certain degree that we won't be there in the future."

Is that what it was like for you? Did you know you were leaving us? It's hard for me to grasp the concept that you didn't know on some level. Even harder to grasp that you've been gone for almost a year now. I want you back. I want everything to be the same.

I want to hear your voice. Go on errands with you. I want you to call late at night again worried bc your mom isn't home yet, & ask Jake to come help you get in bed & make me swear not to tell anyone bc your were afraid what people would think.

I worry about your mom. I talk to her as often as I can. Sometimes it is hard, for both of us. To say that her world has been turned upside down does not even come close to what has happened. You were her entire world. You know, you see - I believe that. I believe it bc I know it to be the truth.

Spring is near & I can't wait to see my first butterfly. Not that I need a butterfly to remind me of you. EVERYTHING reminds me of you. Last Sunday, Jake & I went to lunch with some friends from church, & afterwards we found ourselves walking around a local mall - the same one that we were in with you, so many times before.

It is surreal going to places that I've been with you. It is almost like it is too difficult to comprehend certain places existing without you. Hell, there are times I don't know just how I exist without you. Even now, almost a year later, there are times I wake up & you are the very first person I think of, still.

I can't help missing you. It's like a piece of me is gone. There are times when grief & my tears over take me. And that is okay. Bc at the very least it is something real. And feeling, whatever the feeling is, it is not a bad thing.

Jake & I listen to mixed CDs I created of contemporary Christian songs in the car all the time. One of them has the song, "Save A Place For Me" by Matthew West on it. This week, when I was missing you, I looked the video up on YouTube. It still reminds me of you. I think it always will.

You were so full of life. Never taking one single second for granted. And such an absolutely amazing friend. And I can only hope to live my life making the most of it, like you did. But that doesn't mean I don't miss you. Every day. Still.

Love Always,