Falling Slowly

I'm really feeling this song tonight...

Somewhere Only We Know

Feeling this tonight. Something beautiful & truthful about it.

Dad: Two Years Gone

{Dad at Winter's Run, 7.26.2005}
24 months.  104 weeks.  730 days. 17,520 hours.  1,051,200 minutes.  63,072,000 seconds.

How do you measure 2 years two years gone by, without someone you love?

By sleepless nights, tears shed, questions asked, prayers prayed, memories remembered?

Or maybe it's by telephone calls not received, conversations missed, errands not run, pool games not played, crabs not shared, hugs not given, I love yous not uttered.

Whatever way you measure it, I'm missing the first man who ever loved me.  And amid the myriad of emotions that overcome me, I'm jealous of the angels today.

"Jealous of the Angels"

By: Jenn Bostic

I miss you, Daddy. Thank you for loving me. I'm holding you as close as I can, longing for the day when we meet again.  Until then, as always, your love continues to live through me.

Love Always - Your Little Girl,

Snowstorm

Inward, I retreat.

For over a month, I have disappeared.  Little outings, brief & far between. No church even.  Still.

People ask.  I have no words for them.  I struggle to figure it out myself.  I can't pinpoint it.  All I say is - when I figure it out myself, I will let you know.  That has to be enough for now.

I just can't give what I don't have. Faking it & fake smiles can only get me so far.  I'm overwhelmed.  Struggling for words - the least of my worries.

All I can think is it's a form of grief that needs to work itself out, as the second anniversary of Dad's passing & stuff is rapidly approaching.  I brush over the words "and stuff" like it's nothing, still unable to put words to monumental moments of my life on this very public blog.

I hate that there are walls still around my wounded heart, guarding it from further injury.  Right now, I'm more vulnerable than I have been in a long time, which makes me want to retreat to feel safe.

Even as I retreat, there's a closeness I crave.  A comfort.  A safe place to fall.  There are things that I know to be true, but long for reassurance.

With time, this too shall pass.  

For now, I forge on weathering the storm.


"Snowstorm" By: Jenn Bostic

Dear Deanna: Loving Me Still

Me & Deanna, Camp Greentop, 2000

My Dearest Dee,

As always thank you for your warm thoughts & needed prayers.  I'm doing alright.  Some days are better than others, but even through this, I can still see how truly blessed I am.

Our Christmas was emotional but very blessed. More emotional on my part than Jake's, but he has his own process too. We were lucky to have these amazing friends to spend Christmas Eve with which made the holiday easier in so many ways.

We also spent Christmas with Mom & our cousin Bobby & it was so nice to get to spend such a great evening with them.  We may not have much family to spend time with, but we are grateful for that time we spend with them, blood or not.

And honestly, that is how a holiday should be spent, surrounded with friends & family that love us.

I can feel movement in my grief, even since we spoke.  In so many ways, I am so very grateful for that.  I cannot deny that there is a freedom in speaking things outloud & something happens when a truth, especially one that needs to be said, is spoken.

Trust me, I am grateful for every word spoken, tear shed, & prayer uttered, bc I know that deep down it is where I am & it leads to healing. I'm so very thankful for friends like you, who I can be open & honest with, who let me say what I need to say when I need to say it. The ones who let me be where I am, & love me regardless of circomstance. It is what a true friend is & that is what matters most.



Friends come and friends go,
but a true friend sticks by you like family.
~ Proverbs 18:24 (The Message)

I wish you were here, Dee. There is still so much I want to say. Yet, there are still somethings I can't find the words...  I just keep thinking how incredably blessed I am, & how much my head is a mess.

I miss you. I miss your hugs.  And I miss how you always knew what to say or what I needed.  I know you can't fix this. No one can. And that's okay. You just always made me feel better.  Thank you so much for being there for me.  Reaching back when I reach out. Loving me without condition.  Loving me... still.

Love & Light Always,

Hope Is The Thing With Feathers

"Hope” is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the Gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chilliest land
And on the strangest Sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

~ Emily Dickinson (1830 - 1886)
In this season of life that I find myself in, I am learning a lot about hope.  What it feels like to live without it, & what it feels like to have it.

Sometimes, even in the darkest of times, I thank God that I have hope that things will get better, even if that hope is very small at times.  Sometimes, in the moments when it is small, I like to think it is like a smoldering fire - still there, not completely gone.

Waiting.  Waiting for oxygen. Waiting to come alive again.

I miss when life used to be simple.  When best friends & parents didn't die. When friends were still in your life, regardless of the circumstances. When starting a family seemed not only obtainable, but realistic.

I do not know how I got out of  blogging, something I have always loved.  Or why I shied away from sharing my heart openly, something I so desperately want to do.  All I know is my life is different now.

And everything fell apart. And I lost me. I stopped everything I enjoyed so that I could survive. Clinging to my faith & clinging to hope where I found it.



I do not know what's in the future for me.  All I know is what I have been through & where I have been.  And right now, I hold out for hope. And I pray that it remains alive & perched within my soul.

Happy Birthday, Jesus (2011)

In a moment of peaceful reflection last night, I heard this song for the first time. Given my season of life I am in, this song & it's meaning(s) & impact are not lost on me.  May we all feel the Breath of Heaven & be filled with an undeniable peace now & always.



Please have a very Merry Christmas & a blessed New Year.

In The Depths

Sometimes God whispers.
Sometimes God speaks.
Sometimes God screams.

We have to chose to hear Him.

He is always there.
In the depths,
a light, amid darkness.

Shining bright within.



This Little Light of Mine
By: Addison Road

Trying To Remember

I have had a really rough day today.

Luckily, I have a friend or two that let me vent to them & decompress a little.

Recently, I heard this song & thought it captured my feelings pretty well - of both how I'm feeling & what I am trying to remember.

I thought I'd share.


I could never thank those in my life who are there to remind me of the important things when I need to not only hear them the most, but to remember them the most too.

The Climb

Stop The World

It still feels like I am moving in slow motion. The world spinning entirely too fast & life moving on while I am standing still trying to figure out what in the world just happened to my life.

Just make it stop. Slow down. So I can hear You. I know You are here. And I know, beyond it all, I am loved.

Homesick

Aware

I would say that as I awoke this morning, this is the song that was playing as my alarm went off, which is all true - except the part of sleeping or waking up, as I should say.

Yes, losing my Dad yesterday is defiantly turning my world around & upside down.

Yes, in deed, I am aware now. And I am so thankful for the love of both my Fathers, in ways that you just cannot imagine.

You Love Me Anyway

God Bless The USA

Happy Fouth of July, Everyone! Please have a fun & safe Holiday!

Eat, Pray, Love

Missing In Action: I Gotta Feelin'

I'm here. Alive. I know it seems like I've dropped off the face of the earth, but I assure you, I have not.

Life has been crazy & utterly amazing at the same time. New post & updates soon. Promise.

Until then...

My Redeemer

Happy Easter to you & those you love. Hold your love ones near & cherish them. I wonder what Easter is like in heaven? {:)

His Hands

I stumbled upon this blog today. I had never visited it before. I stayed around & read some. Although I do not know her, Michaela & I have a lot in common.

I found this video she posted & it spoke to me. You know, sometimes something just comes a long at the right time...

Your Hands

By: JJ Heller

I have unanswered prayers

I have trouble

I wish wasn't there

And I have asked a thousand ways

That You would take my pain away

That You would take my pain away.

I am trying to understand

How to walk this weary land

Make straight the paths that crookedly lie

Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

Oh Lord, before these feet of mine.

When my world is shaking

Heaven stands

When my heart is breaking

I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the earth

You healed the broken, lost, and hurt

I know You hate to see me cry

One day You will set all things right

Yeah, one day You will set all things right.

When my world is shaking

Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking

I never leave Your hands.

Your hands -

Your hands that shape the world

Are holding me, they hold me still

Your hands that shape the world

Are holding me, they hold me still.

When my world is shaking

Heaven stands

When my heart is breaking

I never leave You when.

When my world is shaking Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking

I never leave...

I never leave Your hands.

Still

Dear Mandy,

I have no idea why I'm writing this letter. All I know is I miss you. With my whole entire being, I miss you. It's almost as if the day you died a part of my soul shattered - never be the same again.

I don't know why, but I found myself going through & rereading some of your e-mails today. And I believe that on some level you knew your time on earth was limited.

You know that I'm a healthy skeptic. I don't buy into a lot of things, but I do believe that you & your energy lives on. And not that I buy into all the Mediums & such, but I do believe that there are certain people who have certain gifts. And that things exist on a higher level in ways that we cannot even begin to comprehend.

For whatever reason I found myself looking for quotes by John Edward and found this, & it made me think of you:

"I believe that before anybody makes the journey to the other side, we have to know on a soul level that we are leaving, whether it's an accident or illness,and we prepare ourselves to a certain degree that we won't be there in the future."

Is that what it was like for you? Did you know you were leaving us? It's hard for me to grasp the concept that you didn't know on some level. Even harder to grasp that you've been gone for almost a year now. I want you back. I want everything to be the same.

I want to hear your voice. Go on errands with you. I want you to call late at night again worried bc your mom isn't home yet, & ask Jake to come help you get in bed & make me swear not to tell anyone bc your were afraid what people would think.

I worry about your mom. I talk to her as often as I can. Sometimes it is hard, for both of us. To say that her world has been turned upside down does not even come close to what has happened. You were her entire world. You know, you see - I believe that. I believe it bc I know it to be the truth.

Spring is near & I can't wait to see my first butterfly. Not that I need a butterfly to remind me of you. EVERYTHING reminds me of you. Last Sunday, Jake & I went to lunch with some friends from church, & afterwards we found ourselves walking around a local mall - the same one that we were in with you, so many times before.

It is surreal going to places that I've been with you. It is almost like it is too difficult to comprehend certain places existing without you. Hell, there are times I don't know just how I exist without you. Even now, almost a year later, there are times I wake up & you are the very first person I think of, still.

I can't help missing you. It's like a piece of me is gone. There are times when grief & my tears over take me. And that is okay. Bc at the very least it is something real. And feeling, whatever the feeling is, it is not a bad thing.

Jake & I listen to mixed CDs I created of contemporary Christian songs in the car all the time. One of them has the song, "Save A Place For Me" by Matthew West on it. This week, when I was missing you, I looked the video up on YouTube. It still reminds me of you. I think it always will.

You were so full of life. Never taking one single second for granted. And such an absolutely amazing friend. And I can only hope to live my life making the most of it, like you did. But that doesn't mean I don't miss you. Every day. Still.

Love Always,