Stays With You

{Happy Birthday, Mandy. Hope you're throwing a huge party in Heaven. I will forever miss you, but your love will be with me forever too.}

In memory of

Mandy L. Ways

10/12/76 - 4/23/09

{Mandy, At Outback Steakhouse 12.7.07}

Picture your best friend. The one who gets you without having to say one word. Who loves you freely & without any condition. The one who you can be absolutely crazy with, laugh until you pee, no matter your day, even when it's difficult.The one who has been there through it all from your parent using you as a punching bag to the man you were to marry getting killed... now, imagine them gone.

And then a little over a year later, your dad dies, you still can't have a child, & all you want is your best friend. You want her bc you know that she wouldn't be like most friends & disappear from your life or not reach back when you reach out, just bc your dad died. No, not her. She is different.

Imagine walking around wounded. Only no one can see. You go about your day like everything is fine, but it's not. Something is missing. You have changed. The world is still the same. Your best friend is in Heaven. You dad is there too. And oh, for good measure let's just throw in your aunt. You mothers best friend. The one person who understood your mom better than the rest. The one who has known you & loved you before day one.

People go about their lives. They move on. And so have you. You have moved on bc it's the right thing to do, even when it is difficult & you know that it's the only thing to really do... bc it's about living your life, not about dying.

But deep inside, you just miss them. And you know that you always will. You know bc that's what life is about. Its about loving someone so deeply that their love stays with you forever.

Changing Me

The days of this week are running together.

I want tomorrow to come & go away just like any ordinary day. And it not be the day Mandy died a year ago, but the day that she gained her wings & flew to Heaven. A day to remember her life, not her death.

I'm so tired of everything. I am exhausted. My patience is wearing thin. With everyone & everything. Funny, how grief will do that. Change everything around you, change you. Even when we don't want it too.

My Redeemer

Happy Easter to you & those you love. Hold your love ones near & cherish them. I wonder what Easter is like in heaven? {:)

Letters For Christmas

Dear Mandy,

My mind is consumed with thoughts of you. What is Christmas like in Heaven? Limited with my earthly vision, I cannot imagine the glorious & beautiful the celebration is there. My grief is unbearable today. Tears flow freely down nonstop. It still feels like a nightmare that I long to wake from - still.

It's hard to believe that it has been 7 months & two days since you've left us, exactly down the minute of this post. I wish there is something I could do to make the emptiness I feel to subside. It has been years since I have felt pain this deep. Even though I know that you are healed, healthy & happy in heaven, it doesn't make me miss you any less.

Everything about this season is difficult, even the shopping. I see you in everything & can't help but remember where we went to shop for Christmas last December, the errands we would run, the cards you sent, the presents for Pee Wee & Jesse that you would insist on buying - not knowing it would be the last Christmas season you would spend here on earth with us.

I wish I had the words to say how deeply & intense my feelings are today, but words like that just do not exists.

All of My Love,


Dear Momma Nancy,

Oh, how I miss you. My thoughts travel to your precious family & love ones left here. This season must be unbearable, especially for Heather, Daddy Don, & Corrinne. This grief for you is so new & fresh, I can't imagine how people are making it through.

It's funny how my grief is so deep bc it is impacted by each loss of this year, but all I can mange is to think of others who loved you & wondering how they are making it through this day, expecially since they also lost your mom 5 months before they lost you.

I am glad you are not in pain anymore. You fought so long & hard for so long. Now you are free of pain, but for those of us that are still down here on earth missing you as every second goes by, the pain still remains.

For someone who always seems to have words for everything, I can only think of one now...

Butterfly,

Heaven's A Little Brighter Tonight

Easter 2008

The world's a little darker & Heaven's a little brighter tonight. At 5:15 PM (EST), this wonderful lady whom I affectionately call Momma Nancy, lost her battle to live & finally went home to be with Jesus & so many loved ones before her.

Please pray that her family & loved ones are comforted during this time of tremendous loss.

I can honestly say that without her support, love & laughter throughout the years, I would not be who I am today. There is not enough gratitude on this planet that even comes close to what I owe her.

I love you. I love you. I love you. Thank you for making this world such a better place by not only being in it, but by touching so many others with your beauty & grace.

Jake & I will miss you dearly. Butterfly, Emu!

Love Transcends

Dear Mandy,

Today, would have been your 33rd birthday. It is very beautiful here. The sun is shining, the sky is oh-so-blue. If I didn't know any better, I'd think it was Spring, instead of the cold, rainy Fall we've been having.

I don't know what it is like in Heaven, but I can imagine a beauty that well surpasses the one here on earth. Knowing how important birthday celebrations were to you, I hope you're having a HUGE party with your loved ones up there to celebrate your first birthday in Heaven.

Thank you for all the butterflies you have been sending me. I know they are from you, bc what happens with them never happened before you died. And it's not like I go looking for them. They just show up & often times circle my head at the times when I miss you the most.

I miss you so much it literally hurts at times. I can't wait till we are together again one day, but I know my work is just not finished yet. So will you "Save a Place For Me"? And until then keep watch over all of us?

I find it amazing how your love is so strong it transcends time & place. I feel it all the time. I love you too.

Forever & Always,

Eight Days

Amanda Lynn Ways

October 21, 1976 - April 23, 2009

Dear Mandy,

It's been eight days since you left us, and it's hard to believe your gone. You are the last thing I think of at night and the first thing I think of when I awake - that's if I get sleep at all. It is hard to put almost two decades of friendship into words, almost an impossible task.

What we had, is what I hope everyone finds in her lifetime - a true unconditional friendship that withstands anything and everything. Sure there were times when our lives took different paths, as life has a tendency to do, but our path always lead us back, as if no time had past at all.

Sometime soon, I must find the words to thank Dina. Who knew that when she introduced us that she had unknowingly gave us both such a wonderful gift. Each other.

There is no doubt in my mind that we were meant to be friends. I'm sure years later, we would have met through Lynne and Bob, but it wouldn't have been the same. Those first years of our friendship are priceless and irreplaceable. I've always believed that God gives you what you need when you need it the most, and that is so true with us.

I miss you. I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. I miss your voice. I miss your ever so detailed stories. I miss your corky sense of humor that you inherited from your dad. I miss your tell it like it is attitude that you inherited from your mom. I miss your spunk. And I miss your spirit.

They say hind sight is twenty-twenty. I truly believe you knew you were leaving us, before any of us knew. Over the last few days, I have heard from many people, time and time again, tell me just how lucky and blessed you were to have me as a friend. That may be true, but I see it differently - I am the lucky one and I'm the blessed one because you were my friend. You truly were a gift to not only me, but this world.

Please watch over us from Heaven, my beautiful butterfly. I love you.

Love Always and Forever,