All I Know

For whatever reason, I've been going back & rereading some old emails & text that I've written to others & others have written to me. I happen to stumble on this & I thought I would share it.

It's something I wrote Theresa FOREVER ago, or at least it seems that way. Well, when I think about it it is not so long ago after all. It was written & sent in the early early hours of the morning on August 13, 2010, before I knew how the day would forever change me.

It is freaky how I sent the email one minute shy of exactly 10 hours before my Dad died. Somehow, the words seem more true now than how they were intended to be received.

I've said it before - sometimes things have to fall apart so that we can rebuild differently & stronger than before. Bc even though it might have appeared that what we had was working for us, maybe it wasn't always the best for us.

You are a great person, mother & friend & you should never forget that. God gave us the ability to love each other, but with that we often pay the costly price of hurting bc love & pain are the best of friends, & you rarely have one without the other.

Life & loss will lead us down many different paths. Each & every path we a supposed to be on, even if it is not the best path or the right path for us in the long run. What is most important is what we lessons we learn & what we take away from the journey.

Wow. How could I know that only in a few short hours that I would so desperately need to hear my own advice, in my own words? And even still need to hear them now, months later?

Actually, if I am to be totally honest, I do remember writing it & I do remember why I wrote it to her, but it wasn't until I noticed that she didn't reply that I looked at the date & everything snapped back in place.

She didn't reply bc she didn't have time before my world came crashing down. All I recall, & I do so vaguely, is that about 12 hours after I wrote that email, sending those words of advice to her - she would sit next to me in a hospital cafeteria as I sit in shock & try to wrap my brain around the fact that I just watched my dad die.

Yes. "...God gave us the ability to love each other, but with that we often pay the costly price of hurting bc love & pain are the best of friends, & you rarely have one without the other." And "Life & loss will lead us down many different paths. Each & every path we a supposed to be on..."

However knowing that is true, I still find myself asking a ton of questions, even months later. I have no clue what path I am on. I have no clue what God has planned for me.

All I know is that He does have a path & plan for me. All I know is there is a reason for this all. All this loss, all this hurt.

All I know & all that I am certain of is that I loved so deeply that I am in such deep pain. After all, you cannot have one without the other. No matter how hard you may try.

Uncharted Waters

My life these past few months has not been easy. Not that I want it to be easy; although I must admit, it would be nice to just be a little bit easier.

I have been avoiding posting to this blog for many reasons, some of which are known to me & others which are not. Quite truthfully, I have struggled with daily life, as much as I have struggled to find the words to express myself.

When things have been bad, & I mean really bad, I would focus on anything good to get me through. Whether it would be a smile, a hug, some kind words, a phone call, or even an unprompted text.

Believe it or not, I have not been depressed. Only grieving, which in itself is very different from depression. I should know - I have depression for nearly 20 years & have grieved for many along the way... too many to count.

However this grief is unlike any other. It's an entity of its own.

And that is as difficult for me to explain as it is for others to understand. Most of my friends have never lost a parent, so they can't comprehend. And honestly, part of me still wishes that I was still naive to such a world altering moment unlike any other I have ever known.

And for any of you who truly know me, know that I have had many of those along the way.

So, for now, I must say I am doing the best I can. Taking the day as it comes & sometimes even that is difficult to do, but that just has to be enough for now... as I forge on in uncharted waters.

Stream of Consciousness: Smothered

I can't tell you how sick of everything I am. Sick of dealing with death. Sick of dealing with life. I am being smothered & I can't breathe.

Everything is happening so quickly, I barely have time to get a cohesive thought in my head. Still can't wrap my brain around that Dad is gone & now I have to process the loss of Aunt Elaine. Or try to, at the very least.

I am overwhelmed with things. Things that need to be done. Things that now are scattered around my house, belongings of a life that is gone now. Things that need to handled legally. Things that I need to do & there doesn't seem like enough time to do it in. Things that just don't make any sense anymore.

Nothing makes sense anymore.

I was up to 5 AM making a video for aunt Elaine's viewing bc Walgreen's couldn't do it right in the first place. How can they not make all the pictures turn the right way for viewing when they are the ones to be the "expert" movie makers anyway? After hours of trying to make it work, I just decided to make my own movie, even though I have never done so before.

Jake is at work & I don't want to be alone. There is too much that needs to be done & I need him right now. He just had to go to work right now, bc he has already lost a weeks pay from dad dying.

I feel so alone. And angry. So very angry, but I couldn't tell you for the life of me at who or at what. Just everything & everyone. I am tired of hearing "They are in a better place,she's not suffering anymore & it was his time." Why do people say that? It doesn't make anything better.

If you want to do something, just be there. And meet me where I am. Not asking a million questions about things I don't want to answer. What am I going to do with this what am I going to do with that kind of questions are NOT helpful. They suck & are very overwhelming. So stop it.

So, no, she wasn't my biological aunt, but love & my heart don't know that. And quite honestly, I didn't know that either til I was old enough to figure it out.

And Dad, well, Dad I can't even go into right now. Nope, can't do it. This is so not how I saw this whole thing playing out.

Not at all.

The Dangers of Dodgeball

This is what can happen if your 8 year old nephew, Kevin, falls in gym class while playing dodge ball.

It happen just a few short hours ago. In fact as I type, he is at the dentist. And since he is eight, they are his permanent teeth. It had to hurt.

It'll be okay. That's what dentist do. They fix teeth.

Even those.

Little Lisa

After spending the night with Thea and Lyda, I just got home an hour ago. The moment I approached the house, I had an unsettling feeling that something was wrong. The house looked like someone left in a hurry, and things just didn't seem right. That's because they're not.

Around 8:00 tonight, my niece, Lisa, who is 18 months old, was taken to the hospital. She has first and second degree burns on her body (None of which are on her face - Thank God), after getting a hold of her 8 year old brother's hot chocolate. For those who don't know, Lisa and her family live across the ally from us. They are my whole world.

If you you are reading this please pray for our family, especially Lisa.

July 4, 2009