Rain, Rain

Today, is a dreary day. Rain pours down from the Heavens.

The last few days in Maryland have been beautiful. Absolutely breathtaking. And my mood has been uplifted. The radiant sun, clear blue skies have been healing for me. I could do nothing but soak it all in.

Friday night, Jake & I found ourselves on a unexpected long ride in the country side. The windows were down, wind whipping through my long chestnut hair, radio blaring Christian songs of surrender & renewal. It was the kind of moment, I never ever wanted to end.

Today, is very different though. I ache & am in pain. I find myself trying my hardest to not let effect my mood. So, instead of focusing on how I feel today, I turn my attention to what lies ahead - beautiful days of Spring. And reminding myself, that it is dreary rainy days like these that make the beautiful days ahead more breathtaking.

Submitting {Part 2}

For the past couple of days, I've been doing some thinking. Pretty much non-stop, unless I'm sleeping, which I must confess - is not a lot.

A couple of days ago, I wrote this about submitting to my husband & since I've been thinking about it, talking to a few trusted friends, exchanging e-mails, & reading the comments left on that post, I thought it deserved another post (if for no other reason then to sort my thoughts that are swirling in my head).

Stacey, who is one of my real life best friends who just happens to have a blog, reminded me that if I continued reading Ephesians 5 , I would get to versus 25-33. And that the most important thing to take away from those verses is that husbands are supposed to love & cherish their wives, as Christ has loved us. Then she went on to say:

You chose to submit for the good of your family and future family, not just him. He in turn should be doing the same. Giving up things *he* wants and submitting for the sake and well being of his family.

Marriage is still about the whole and not the parts. You make sacrifices for each other...and for your family as a whole to do what is best for them. I this case, that is what you've made the decision to do. That doesn't mean you've given up or in. You are a good and supportive wife. He needs to recognize that and remember his roll in this as well. To love you. As Christ loves us.

I have to tell you, bc she is my friend in RL*, & more importantly, one of my best friends, she does know the whole situation & what we are struggling with. And as another friend reminded me, I know what is best for me & that just bc I choose not to reveal to everyone what exactly is going on in my life at the moment, it does not mean I am not being honest.

* real life.

Both these friends are right. Being private, isn't dishonesty. I am still being truthful. And Stacey, well she is right too. Not about how Jake is supposed to love me (well, yes. This is true. As my husband, this is what he is supposed to do), but I do feel as if I gave in. That even though, I chose to support him in this decision that had to be made, I feel that I've some how compromised my values - compromised who I am somehow.

And somewhere deep in side, I feel that my feelings were not acknowledge. That what I've done for him is not appreciated. It's as if it was expected & he just doesn't get just how big of a deal this is for me*.

*And before you ask, he knows I feel this way. He knows these are my thoughts. I do not hide my feelings or thoughts form him at all. It is just not who I am.

I know that I still have values. I still am who I am, but, somewhere deep down, that is not how I feel. I chose to support him. I chose to love him. Always. Always - as in all the time, no matter what. And I know that regardless of how I feel at the moment, this was the best decision for us... even if it does not feel like it right now.

Submitting

I hate this.

I am out of my comfort zone. Jake & I are going through something difficult*. Life changing. I was backed in a corner & forced to make the best decision not for me, but our family & for the sake of the family that we strongly desire.

* And I chose to not share what exactly we are struggling with at the moment. It is personal & private. I can count on one hand the people who know & can honestly say most of the people whom we are closest to do not know.

There is no question that this is not what I want but what needs to be done. And like it our not there is no turning back. Not now.

As a person & as a wife, I do not submit to others very easily. I did that enough as a child, & as an adult, it is not something I do often. Nor do I willfully desire it. So, when decisions needed to be made that was in the best interest for him - Reluctantly, I followed. I really didn't see any other way & trust me, there were no other options.

And it bc of my past experiences, I must confess I do not fully understand submitting to my husband. In Ephesians 5:22-24 (New International Version) the bible says:

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

I know what this passage says. And just bc this is what the bible says a wife is supposed to do, doesn't me that I will do so in my marriage. It does not mean that it is an easy thing to do either. And I personally think that it does not make me a bad Christian, if I don't submit to my husband, but there are times that I do want to submit to him - well, bc he is my husband. And I do believe that part of my job as a wife is to submit to him.

I am his wife, right? I need to support him. Do what's best for him. I have to let him make decisions for us. He is my husband after all. And he is supposed to be the head of this family. Although if you were to look at our relationship historically, you would see that he has had a difficult time filling that role, which Jacob knows & freely admits.

This is so difficult. We will make it through this. And I know we will be better off in the long run... eventually. It's just that I feel a lot of shame & guilt that this is what it has come to. I never thought that I would be put in a situation where this would be the only option. And there is no other way to say this then - this sucks.

I can only do what I know to do & put my trust in God, but even that is difficult to do at the moment.