Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Dear Dad: 2 Months Gone

Dad June 16, 2007 Cropped & B&W @WM copy

{June 16, 2007}

Dear Dad,

It has been two months since you passed away. I still can't believe you are gone. It seems surreal. Time is moving so slow for me, but is flying by way too fast for me too. The world around me is spinning. I'm am slowly coming out of the shock & beginning to be able to feel again.

The majority of my friends don't understand - having never lost a parent. Before you were gone, I thought I understood when friends lost their mom or dad bc I've lost people who mean the world to me. I was wrong... so very, very wrong. Through everything that I have been through, this is absolutely the worst pain I've ever felt.

There are many friends that are not talking to me. It's like I have something they fear is contagious. Deep down, I understand... they just don't know what to say. I get it. It still hurts though. I am getting really tired of me reaching out & them not reaching back. For some, our friendship has forever altered - never to be the same.

I still find it difficult to talk to you. Not knowing what to say or how to say it. There was so much left unsaid. Stuff that needed to be said, more for my benefit then yours. I'm struggling to make sense of many the different sides of you. From the man you were to man you became. From the dad you once were & the dad you became to be. One man, broken & imperfect - just like us all.

I sat in your chair most of the day yesterday. My heart ached for you. Much like it does now. I am pissed at you too. Angry that you left me with so much to sort out, so many questions, & so much unfinished stuff.

It was you who laid in that bed as we begged you to go to the hospital. You knew this was the end & this is what you chose. By the time you were at the hospital, 5 days later you were gone. Even so, this leaves me struggling with much inside.

I want you back. I want you here. I want you to see my (non-existent) kids grow up. I want to say the things that you never let me say. Things that you never let me say bc you would utter, "Okay, Okay, I don't want to talk about it..."

Well, when Dad? When do you want to talk about it? Now? That is so unfair to me. So very unfair. I can't even talk to you now, unable to say what really needs to be said. Somewhere there is this little girl who still wants approval from Daddy. Wondering if she's doing everything okay. Not wanting to upset you.

When will I realize that stuff like that doesn't matter anymore? Nothing matters, not like that. I can't go back now. I never could.

So, I see Jake in flannel & he reminds me of you. I look at the stars & think of you. I look at Jupiter shinning bright in the sky, knowing that it will be gone in a little while - still there, but unable to be seen.

Just like you.

Love Always,

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