Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Waiting For Things To Fall

Am I missing something?

I've been feeling out of sorts lately. I can't really say much more, partly bc I haven't figured it all out myself yet & partly bc I'm just waiting.

Waiting for what? Well, I can't really answer that either. If it's one thing I have learned is not every question has an answer that I have the privilege of knowing, & even if I do find the answer - I just may not like the answer.

When I married Jake (& really, if I'm to be honest - ever since I was little), I had big dreams of having a family. I still do. And it's no secret that we desperately want to be parents. We do not hide this fact, but there are times when we just don't go screaming it from the nearest rooftops either.

Marriage & life has not been easy for us at all. Truthfully, we have struggled more than most. I am not asking for things to be easy. I don't want that. I would never want that, unless that is in the plans for us.

It just seems that lately everything is coming at us all at once. We can't get a break to gather ourselves before we are thrown into another round of hardship. Trust me, if God wants my attention, He's got it.

I try really hard to all the time be thankful for the blessings we do have, especially in difficult times. It is thanks to my FIL & my mom that we have most of our blessings. Well, really my blessings are from God in the form of FIL & my mom. Without them, I don't know what we would do.

Here's the thing though - I am tired. I'm exhausted. I can't keep putting out fires or waiting for the other shoe to drop, always trying to figure out what I'm going to do to make sure we make it through. I am tired of just getting by.

I want things for us. Our own family. Our own place. Our own peace of mind at the end of the night. I know this may be a lot to ask, but still I have to ask. I would be crazy not too.

So, here I am. As always, I'm waiting. Waiting for things to fall...waiting for things to fall into place. Still... still giving thanks for it all.

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  1. Shan, I know how you feel. My situation is similar. Part of me would love to have my own place because realistically, it's tough living with *others*. At the same time, I don't want to give up a legacy that my mom worked so hard to give to me. Peace of mind...isn't that a nice thought? :) One day, we'll get there. Maybe not *completely* but enough to be able to sit back and say..."OK, this...this is and was worth the wait and now, I can finally breathe." Hang in there. ;)

  2. OH, I know the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have lived that way for quite a while now. You begin to wonder if God is really there. But He is. And you have the right attitude...giving thanks in the midst of it. I have found that's when I have the most peace...when I put my focus on Him and not the problems. I pray many blessings to you and your husband this year. And may you be found waiting in perserverance.

    BTW, it was nice to "meet" you. I look forward to getting to know you better!


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