Stream of Consciousness: Almost 2 AM

It's late at night - or early in the morning rather - & I cannot sleep. As I write this, I hear the pitter-patter of rain on my air conditioner. It's pouring outside. Ironically though as much as we need the rain, I do not care for the pain it tends to bring with it for me.

I also have so many thoughts in my head & history has proven that - mixed with the late hour - this is not a good thing for me. In just a couple hours, I will go see a new doctor. And it's a GYN on top off that, so I am anxiety ridden.

A million questions swim in my head. Has she ever had a patient with Cerebral Palsy before? Is she patient & understanding? Will she listen to me & my concerns? Will she dismiss me? Will she be understanding if I don't get in the right position the first time (or the tenth) for her to examine me? Will she mention my weight?

{It's not like I don't know I'm fat. I get it. Believe it or not, I actually have a mirror or two around the house. I always find it so ironic how people feel the need to state the obvious like they are doing me a favor by mentioning my weight, like they are cluing me in on some deeply kept secret or something. Just sayin'.}

Perhaps the biggest worry is will she be supportive of me trying to conceive? I'm stressed enough without this worry. I just don't think any one's opinions on what they think is good for me really is going to matter, at least it shouldn't anyway. So, I really hope this appointment goes well, I like her, she's encouraging & supportive. That would just be peachy.

Then to top it off, Jake does not know where he put the papers that I'm supposed to fill out each year, so unless I find them, I will have to fill them out at the office, which I always hate doing considering it is a stack of papers & they have been less accommodating in the past, as clip boards don't really ever seem to do the trick for me. Oh well. Life goes on.

I also have other things going through my head, but I think I will keep those thoughts to myself for now. I'm not sure I have the time or energy to write about it yet, as I'm just so exhausted. Literally.

Well, it seems that the rain outside has turned to hail, even though it is the middle of July almost. At least it sounds that way. We are really having a storm here. I can't even hear Jake snoring from across the room anymore. Secretly, I wonder if I will be able to quiet my mind & body enough to join him.

Fun

{Note: As painful as it may be for me to leave this post in it's true unedited form, that's how it's staying... To stay true to myself & the state of being, at the moment. Oh, and note to self: Maybe e-mails shouldn't be the only things to stay unwritten in sleepless states.}

It's 3 AM Thursday morning. We have to stop meeting like this. My husband leaves for work in 3 hours & the only thing that is beside him is the dog. That's what you get when you have an insomniac for a wife I suppose. And that's a damn shame.

I wonder if that ever bothers him? A while back when he worked for another company & on the night shift, it drove me crazy him not being here to sleep beside me. You think I have trouble sleeping now, you should have seen me then. I would go weeks without sleeping. You think I'm kidding.

Now, Jake - he's a different story. He can & would sleep standing up, if I let him. He has had no trouble what so ever falling asleep - as soon as he head hits the pillow. In fact, it took me longer to type that last part of that sentence than it takes him to sleep. I counted once. It wasn't even 3 seconds. Seriously.

My inability to sleep gets worse with worry & stress, something that I fully admit I have not had a handle on lately. I wish I could say I did. I feel like I'm rambling with long draw out sentences. I often repeat myself & talk in circles when I get like this. Oh, did I tell you that I got less than a hour last night too?

I'm trying to resist the urge to write a email to a friend of mine. I have a bad - I mean really bad - habit of writing e-mails when I'm exhausted &/or emotional. It's such a bad combination for me. Although I do try to live life with out regret, sometimes I regret doing things when I am in a state like this. It's as bad as if I were drunk. Can you just imagine?

So tired that if I actually tried to walk, assuming that I walked like I used to & wasn't stuck in this stupid chair, I would fall over. You know, I actually had some dumb guys say to me a few weeks ago how fun it must be to ride around in a chair all day. Are you freaking kidding me? Now, these guys were like early 20s. Old enough to know better. Oh, I'm sorry... What's that you say? Common sense & tact doesn't come with age? Go figure.

I guess it would be fun for them. They can get up & out of it whenever they want. If they can't reach the food in the refrigerator or the dishes in the cabinet & they have to use a reacher that is not only always getting misplaced (yes, all 4 of them at once, at times) bc some adults can't tell some children that those are not toys or better yet, when grown adults use them to reach trash under beds that Pee Wee gets into bc someone can't take the 15 minutes it takes to make a holder for the trash cans in the house that would raise them not only out of Pee Wee's reach, but put it in better reach for me.

Or how about the friends & family's houses you can't get into bc you used to walk, but now need a chair & even when you can get into the door you better pray that you don't have to go to the bathroom bc it's up a flight of stairs, so you not only start worrying about it the day before, but also, have to restrict your fluids so you don't have to pee, which

A) causes a lot of commotion & trouble just trying to get to the toilet,

B) you must drag the portable commode in your van (don't forget the TP), so if you got to go, you can go in there,

C) you have to leave the party early to either call it a day & go home before you have to pee, or

D) leave the party find the nearest public toilet, then decide if you want to go through the hassel of getting back in to the party!

When, in reality, all you simply want to do is spend time with your love ones & take some damn pictures. Oh, but wait, what's that you say? You didn't even get invited to that party bc someone assumed that you couldn't find someway in or some way around those steps to get access to the party or the bathroom, so they just took upon themselves to rudely exclude you rather than invite you anyway & let you decide what you can & can't do & if the hassle is worth it.

Yes, sir! It is so fun being in this chair. Bc why wouldn't it be? Then you just wouldn't have to use the two good healthy legs that God gave you. You could zoom around all day long have races with your other wheelchair buddies bc, you know, that's what I do with my time. When I'm not sitting in some field trying to watch my nephews play soccer, and go it move, but... wait, call your friend over (you know the strong one, who uses his God given legs) bc your stuck in the mud bc the ground is soft from it raining 3 days before - & normally if you were walking you wouldn't notice, but the longer you sit in one spot, the deeper the chair sinks bc of the weight.

So keep looking. Seriously, take a good long look at what fun this chair is. Go ahead. Look. And while you're at it, take your freedom for granted. Bc, well... you know... there's nothing better to do.

Big Changes!

This post is a bunch of mix & match thoughts. A little of everything!

Remember Stellan? Well, he finally went to Boston for that ablation. And I'm overjoyed to report, that it went GREAT. Read about it here. He & his family could still use prayers during his recovery. Again, I am in awe at what God can do.

In other news, this blog is going to be going through changes of its own. I am super excited & can't wait to see what's in store. You'll just have to wait & see with me. {:)

Also, for the last couple of days, I've been rethinking somethings. To be honest, I'm not done thinking things through. There have been some big changes in my life & the way I see things, which I will share in the coming days.

Tonight, I'm going to Mandy's house to have dinner with her mom. I'm super excited to get to see Momma Dawne, but it's bitter sweet - oh how I wish I was seeing Mandy too. I just miss her so much!

Jake has been working SO HARD, with long hours it is crazy. Then, on top of that, he has been working over mom's to help out, & helping with Dad & stuff. It's difficult to find time to spend together. I'm so proud of him though. He really does love his job & is a very hard worker.

The weather here is crazy & ever changing. It's been beautiful weather the past couple of days, but cold at times. Coupled with the fact that thanks to daylight savings time, it gets dark SO early - you got a picture of Maryland weather. Changes in the weather are always crazy for me as it makes me have to mange my pain better. However, the beautiful colors in the leaves make up for it all.

Enough randomness for now. What's changes are you facing? Do tell, I'm listening.