My Heart's Desire

For as long as I can remember, Jake & I have wanted child.  Actually ideally we would have loved to have had more than one child. However if I've learned one thing in life, it's that life never works out the way you expect.

I would like to say that we have been open about our struggles with fertility, but we haven't.  In fact, for many years our struggles were kept only between us.  As the years went on, we shared our journey with only a selected few.

The truth is, along the way, not everyone has been supportive.  Sad to say, there are a lot of people who think that I don't have the right to be a mom simply bc I have Cerebral Palsy or am in a wheelchair.  And this includes some people who were in my life & even some doctors.

You just would not believe what some people say - right to my face - when they are confronted with the truth I try to live in daily.

Truth is, CP is not genetic.  And just bc someone is in a wheelchair, it does not mean they cannot be a good mother.  It most certainly does not mean I don't deserve a chance to be a mom, if that's what my heart desires.

Then there is Jake who deserves to be a dad just as much as I deserve to be a mom.  You should see him interact with the children he works with.  He's amazing.  I can honestly say that one of the privileges of volunteering where he works is getting to see this firsthand.  He has truly found his sweet spot & the place where his heart lives.

And this is the journey we have found ourselves on... we certainly expected that we would have some challenges to deal with along the way & some things to figure out. To be honest, along the way, many things, which includes our many emotions, have not been easy at all.

And years later, we are still here. Waiting & praying. Knowing that one day things will fall into just the way they are meant to be, whether we are parents or not.

Glimpses

I am exhausted, unable to calm my mind so sleep can settle in. Still retreating, still wanting to hide, I want to run.  From what, to who?  I cannot answer.  I wish I knew.

My thoughts are fleeting.  Emotion overcoming.

Tomorrow, Kate & I will take a drive.  People take for granted the ability they have to do things freely.  Most can just go where they want, when they want.  Must be nice.

I feel trapped.  Unable to get my body to do what I want it to; unable to go where I want, when I want.  Unable to even go everywhere in this house, upstairs has gone unseen.

Somehow, this is supposed to be okay with me.  It's not.

My body holds onto things.  Stress.  Tension.  Many memories - not all bad, not all good either.  The ability to walk upright for long(er) periods of time, just a memory now.  The use of a power chair seems so permanent now.

For every physical thing, there is another that is not... feeling trapped by my unspoken words too.

I want to run.  I want to forget everything, just for awhile.  I want the things I cannot say to come mindlessly pouring out - just let it go... let it all go.

Still, I hold it in, afraid if I let it go, my world will collapse...  where is my safe place?  Where is my safe place to fall?

Will you love me through this?  Will you love me without condition?

I miss me.  As if they were timid, glimpses of who I used to be peer through periodically. I'm here.

And I'm worth fighting for.

Stream of Consciousness: Almost 2 AM (Part 2)

How ironic it is that I am writing this post at about the same time that I wrote the first one - completely unplanned - I assure you.

So, as luck would have it (or maybe it wasn't luck after all), I really like my new doctor. She is very nice, understanding & patient, all things I was concerned about. And she is super supportive of me TTC, or doing whatever I feel comfortable with at the given time. In others words, what I want to do is up to me.

There are a few medical concerns though, but nothing that has to do with my Cerebral Palsy. And though I choose not to go into specifics at this time as to what they are, lets just say they are things that I'm not only aware of, but concerned with too. And there is no reason that as long as these concerns are managed, I wouldn't have a completely healthy pregnancy when the time comes.

However, she did mention my weight & suggested that I may consider gastric bypass considering my medical history & my lack of mobility. She made sure to tell me she's not a fan of suggesting it to her patients at all either.

I'm not quite sure what I think about her saying that in general, but it was clear it was only said as something to consider for the future & that it was not said out of any other context but a caring concern. I'm so not a fan of that either & I would never even consider that at all. So there is differences in opinion there.

She also gave me a referral to preconceptual counseling again, since it has been many years that I went for the same thing before, but she made sure to let me know that it was completely up to me if I wanted to go again.

I was glad given the circumstances of the day: new doctor, lots of pain due to the rain, nerves, & a cold room (which doesn't do well for my CP, as it causes me to be more spastic & have less of a range of motion), my appointment went as well as it did.

Reflecting on the visit I was pleased that it went the way it did, knowing that it could have went many other ways. Who wouldn't love a doctor whose patient, explains things, answers questions, & last advice for us in TTC is "Have fun trying."

Fun

{Note: As painful as it may be for me to leave this post in it's true unedited form, that's how it's staying... To stay true to myself & the state of being, at the moment. Oh, and note to self: Maybe e-mails shouldn't be the only things to stay unwritten in sleepless states.}

It's 3 AM Thursday morning. We have to stop meeting like this. My husband leaves for work in 3 hours & the only thing that is beside him is the dog. That's what you get when you have an insomniac for a wife I suppose. And that's a damn shame.

I wonder if that ever bothers him? A while back when he worked for another company & on the night shift, it drove me crazy him not being here to sleep beside me. You think I have trouble sleeping now, you should have seen me then. I would go weeks without sleeping. You think I'm kidding.

Now, Jake - he's a different story. He can & would sleep standing up, if I let him. He has had no trouble what so ever falling asleep - as soon as he head hits the pillow. In fact, it took me longer to type that last part of that sentence than it takes him to sleep. I counted once. It wasn't even 3 seconds. Seriously.

My inability to sleep gets worse with worry & stress, something that I fully admit I have not had a handle on lately. I wish I could say I did. I feel like I'm rambling with long draw out sentences. I often repeat myself & talk in circles when I get like this. Oh, did I tell you that I got less than a hour last night too?

I'm trying to resist the urge to write a email to a friend of mine. I have a bad - I mean really bad - habit of writing e-mails when I'm exhausted &/or emotional. It's such a bad combination for me. Although I do try to live life with out regret, sometimes I regret doing things when I am in a state like this. It's as bad as if I were drunk. Can you just imagine?

So tired that if I actually tried to walk, assuming that I walked like I used to & wasn't stuck in this stupid chair, I would fall over. You know, I actually had some dumb guys say to me a few weeks ago how fun it must be to ride around in a chair all day. Are you freaking kidding me? Now, these guys were like early 20s. Old enough to know better. Oh, I'm sorry... What's that you say? Common sense & tact doesn't come with age? Go figure.

I guess it would be fun for them. They can get up & out of it whenever they want. If they can't reach the food in the refrigerator or the dishes in the cabinet & they have to use a reacher that is not only always getting misplaced (yes, all 4 of them at once, at times) bc some adults can't tell some children that those are not toys or better yet, when grown adults use them to reach trash under beds that Pee Wee gets into bc someone can't take the 15 minutes it takes to make a holder for the trash cans in the house that would raise them not only out of Pee Wee's reach, but put it in better reach for me.

Or how about the friends & family's houses you can't get into bc you used to walk, but now need a chair & even when you can get into the door you better pray that you don't have to go to the bathroom bc it's up a flight of stairs, so you not only start worrying about it the day before, but also, have to restrict your fluids so you don't have to pee, which

A) causes a lot of commotion & trouble just trying to get to the toilet,

B) you must drag the portable commode in your van (don't forget the TP), so if you got to go, you can go in there,

C) you have to leave the party early to either call it a day & go home before you have to pee, or

D) leave the party find the nearest public toilet, then decide if you want to go through the hassel of getting back in to the party!

When, in reality, all you simply want to do is spend time with your love ones & take some damn pictures. Oh, but wait, what's that you say? You didn't even get invited to that party bc someone assumed that you couldn't find someway in or some way around those steps to get access to the party or the bathroom, so they just took upon themselves to rudely exclude you rather than invite you anyway & let you decide what you can & can't do & if the hassle is worth it.

Yes, sir! It is so fun being in this chair. Bc why wouldn't it be? Then you just wouldn't have to use the two good healthy legs that God gave you. You could zoom around all day long have races with your other wheelchair buddies bc, you know, that's what I do with my time. When I'm not sitting in some field trying to watch my nephews play soccer, and go it move, but... wait, call your friend over (you know the strong one, who uses his God given legs) bc your stuck in the mud bc the ground is soft from it raining 3 days before - & normally if you were walking you wouldn't notice, but the longer you sit in one spot, the deeper the chair sinks bc of the weight.

So keep looking. Seriously, take a good long look at what fun this chair is. Go ahead. Look. And while you're at it, take your freedom for granted. Bc, well... you know... there's nothing better to do.

100

100 things about me for the 100th post (in total randomness):

1. I cannot believe this is my 100th post!

2. I can talk to anybody & often do, even if they are a total stranger.

3. I have a great memory.

4. Over a year ago, maybe even two by now -I was in Coldstone Creamery & said to a lady in line, "Hey, I know you. Your name is Carrie & we went to elementary school together." I was right & it had been over 25 years since I saw her.

5. I hate green beans & will only eat them on very rare occasion. This is bc my mom had them all the time when I was a a kid & used to make me eat them.

6. I love reading & often use it to escape.

7. I just finished a novel called The Lightning Thief. It is the first book in a series. It's a lot like Harry Potter, but it encompasses Greek mythology, instead of Magic. I know it's deemed as a kid's book, but I could not put it down. I read it in a day and a half. The movie of this book is coming out Presidents Day 2010.

8. I'm embarrassed to admit I don't know when that is.

9. I am grateful that I like to (sometimes) read books that aren't really for adults. Sometimes, I just need a break from my very adult life.

10. My eyes are green.

11. I'm in love with people's eyes. They can tell you so much.

12. Sometimes I wish I had a sister.

13. I'm fat & I'm okay with that. Why aren't you?

14. I haven't had a hair cut since September of 2008, which is unheard of for me.

15. I need to update my profile picture, but haven't found a replacement picture for it (Note: Since this post is taking me forever to write I have found a new picture. What do ya think?).

16. I've been slowly withdrawing from my friends, & I'm not sure why.

17. I hate Barney.

18. I love Jesse, really I do. Lately, I've been wondering why he wasn't so damn LOUD in the store? What the hell was I thinking?

19. I am not a girly girl.

20. My favorite color is Purple. Although it has changed throughout the years. I also love Periwinkle, which was the color of my wedding. Periwinkle is also my mom's favorite color.

21. I have a scar in my back from when I was a kid & visiting my Mom Mum in VA & tried to climb a fence... Somebody really forgot to tell me I have CP. {:)

22. There are somethings I wish I could do over about my wedding.

23. Hell, there are things I wish I could do over. Period.

24. I hate hospitals.

25. I will however go to the hospital if it means seeing or spending time with someone I love. Even if it is to say goodbye.

26. I hate goodbyes.

26. I miss Mandy. More than anyone realizes.

27. I really was a "Poster Child." One day, I'll tell you about it. Maybe.

28. As a child, I wanted to be a ballerina. When I told my mom this (I think I was 3 or 4), she started to cry. I then asked, "Can I at least be an ice skater?"

29. The longest friendship I have is with Thea. We met when we were 2. Although I have to say there were years that we were apart in between there.

30. I met Jake in 1995. We were best friends. I liked him back then. He had no clue.

31. I asked him out on March of 2003. He tells me if I didn't ask him, he would have never asked me. Nice, Huh? {:)

32. I have loved Bonjovi since I was in the 5th grade. I will always love him.

33. I wasn't always the best picture taker. I got better over the years.

34. Even though I try to live my life with no regrets, I have many.

35. I wish I was disciplined enough to read the Bible from cover to cover.

36. Mathew 7:13-14 used to be my favorite passage. Now it's James 1:2-4, which is at the top of this blog.

37. My faith is more personal than my religion. And I think that's the way it should be.

38. I miss the churches I went to as a child, but they just don't fit with who I am now.

39. I am allergic to pork. I wasn't always. I miss bacon.

40. I was hospitalized once bc of it. Not fun.

41. Pork is in more things than you realize. Like gelatin (unless it's marked kosher). Gelatin is in every thing from dips to marshmallows. I miss s'mores.

42. I have a secret love affair with cheese.

43. One of my favorite cheeses is Brie. Brie taste different cold than it does warmed up, which is my favorite way to eat it.

44. While I do not hate it, American cheese is my least favorite. Now, Swiss on the other hand - I do not care for at all.

45. My father wanted to name me Nora Jean. I am so very thankful for my mother intervening.

46. I have had the names of my children picked out since I was little. They have not changed. People who know that often ask, "What about Jake, doesn't he get a say? To which I reply, "They get his last name." However, Jake tells me that he likes the names anyway. Maybe one day I'll get to share them with you. {:)

47. I have a beta fish that sits on my desk. His name is Aka, which is the word "red" in Japanese.

48. Pee Wee thinks he is a great mouse hunter. He's not... Most of the time.

49. The older I get, the less I want to deal with people. Really, life is not all about you.

50. If we were to get technical, life is all about Him. Then again, that is my option. It does not have to be yours.

51. I have friends & family with different beliefs than me. Some are even atheist. It's okay. I am still their friend & love them regardless. Always.

52. I have a friend that was murdered in 2003. I often wonder if they ever caught the person(s) who killed him.

53. I have a brother in Heaven. His name is Brent.

54. My brother Damon has paranoid Schizophrenia. I love him dearly & I visit him often. He can't help the way he is anymore then I can help having CP. A disability is a disability. One day, I will tell you about him.

55. We have 2 mixed Cds I made of some of my favorite Christian music. That's all we listen too anymore.

56. My favorite time is when we are going to church & we are jamming out to those CDs. I spend a lot of time talking to God then.

57. I'm a night owl.

58. I wonder if this will change if we have children. I think it will for a while, but I will always be a night owl.

59. I know that if I didn't have Pee Wee, I would go insane. I am so glad I have him - even if he is "just a dog." (Note: I don't say that bc to me his not, but to others that's what he is.)

60. I will listen to just about any kind of music, except for rap. I just will never be into it.

61. I know a lot of sign language. I learned it years ago, before I ever dated Jake. Who knew that my future brother-in-law & his wife would both be deaf? God's funny like that.

62. I often wonder why sign language isn't considered to be another language like Spanish & French.

63. I used to go to a camp called Camp Greentop for Disabled children & adults. The last summer I attended was 2003. It is an awesome camp & I would highly recommend it. Some of the greatest people that I know on earth, I met from there.

64. Sometimes I toy with the idea of going back to camp, but I think I am just in a different place in my life now. Plus, now with all the budget cuts, there is no way I could swing it money wise.

65. I do not like dead things, such as dead fish, dead hermit crabs, dead mice. I know it happens... I just don't like seeing it. It creeps me out.

66. I miss Jakes maternal grand father. He died in July of 2005 We called him Grandpop. He lived here with Jake & his dad (& me when I moved in). He never left this house. Seriously - for eight years, except to go to his daughter's funeral in April of 2000.

67. I never knew Jake's mom. I saw her once when I was at college & Jake never introduced us though. I always have wished I knew her. And I always wished she was here now. I would have really loved her & in some strange way - I do.

68. I could spend hours in Barnes & Noble.

69. I miss walking.

70. We just found out tonight that our GPS was stolen from our car. The charger is gone, the mount & the unit, but they left the bag we stored it in. We can't believe nothing else was stolen. Jake said he must have left the door unlocked & not knew it while he was at his job (apparently, the lock is acting up). I am glad that they didn't take the nice bag we stored it in bc Mandy gave that to us for Christmas 2008. Three months after Christmas, she died. I would have been heartbroken, if they had taken it.

71. Even though we go to church every Sunday, sometimes, I miss it during the week. I miss the connection with people & the hugs. They are the only hugs I get all week.

72. I am an extrovert. Very outgoing. Often loud. Most of the time I don't mean to be. And if I'm nervous, I get loud without realizing it.

73. When I'm upset, I get quiet. When I got a lot going on, I withdraw.

74. Jake used to be my safe place to fall. He's not anymore. I don't have one. I miss him being it.

75. People are so used to me telling them that it will be okay. Sometimes, I need to hear that too.

76. I love water. I drink about 4-5 liters of it a day sometimes more.

77. I love swimming & can do great things in it - like handstands. Go figure.

78. When I was a a 6 year old child at Camp Greentop, they put HUGE blocks of ice in the pool & called it a Polar Bear swim. I was not amused. And said, "What are you insane? Don't you know kids with CP freeze up (as in their muscles tense, it's hard to move & quite pain full - at least for me) when they are cold!" And for those who know me in real life - yes, in many ways, I was the same at 6 as I am now.

79. I love crafts.

80. One of my good friends, Regine & I met at oil painting class at the local senior center. We were 8.

81. I used to be terrified of dogs. I got bit by one when I was a kid.

82. I am grateful I do not have that fear anymore. And so is Pee Wee.

83. Even though I've done it 3 times, I am afraid to fly.

84. I love to work with kids.

85. Tonight, I gave Pee Wee a new treat. It is a dried, smoked cow's nose... ewwww! It is bigger than his head. He has been chewing on it for 2 hrs now. It is supposed to be great for cleaning his teeth. And when he first saw it, he just looked at it & sniffed it, gave a little lick & looked at it again, then looked at me as if to say, "Thanks, Mom! But how do I eat this thing?"



86. I've love Rosie O'Donnell & have met her. Twice. She even sent me tickets to her show once. I know some people do not like her. She has radical views & is outspoken. I don't care. To me, she is just a very real person who has a huge heart & is passionate. It makes me love her even more.

89. I love to sing & I used to be in Gifted & Talented choir in high school.

90. I used to be on Tech Crew too. I loved it. In fact, my Sr. year I was the Tech Director. I even used to climb the spiral stair case to the spot room. That made some people nervous & they didn't want me to do it. I didn't care. I did it anyway. A lot. In some strange way it made me feel normal - as in those with out CP - like the other kids & I loved it.

91. I am very stubborn.

92. I miss my Mom's mom. A lot. She died when I was 9.

93. When I was in third grade & at a new school, someone said that I stole some chalk. I did not. Ms. Chashen believed them. I got in trouble. I wonder who stole that chalk?

94. There is nothing that I tell people about Jake that I have not told him or would tell them in front of him. This is sometimes hard for people to understand. He's my husband. I am who I am. I will not hid how I feel or what I think from him. Good or bad.

95. My favorite season is Spring.

96. My Birthday is July 23rd. I share that birthday with my friend Thea, my niece Corrinne, my friend Travis, & several other people whom I have met, know & love.

97. Sometimes, even though I didn't have the greatest relationship historically, I miss living with my mom. For those of you who know the whole history, I know this statement is totally crazy. And to that I say, she is my mom & I love her deeply.

98. My favorite word is onomatopoeia.

99. Jake has never read this blog. He knows it exists. I've told him where to find it. I have even told him to read it. He never has. Sometimes, I wish he did. He says he'll read it when I post this post. And to tell you people out there in Blogland that he will. I don't think he will read it on his own, without prompting. We will see.

100. It has taken me 9 days to write this post & it's really hard to come up with 100 things to say at random - even if it is facts & thoughts about my life. This post will actually go live 11 days after I started it, which will be 8 days short of a year since I started this blog. It is one of the best things I could have ever done.

The Jitters

I don't know what it is, but I've not been feeling well lately. And before you ask, NO, I'm not pregnant, & yes, I'm sure! Even though a girl can hope, can't she?

My body is tense from the cold & people don't understand how painful it is to have your body literally be in pain bc you just can't get your body to relax. It's all a part of having Cerebral Palsy. Imagine making a fist, & keeping it tightly closed for hour on end.. that's what happens when I'm cold or it's cold outside.

I hate it, but what can I do? As I write this now, I feel a never ending tense feeling that accompanies a jitter. Actually, I've been toying with the idea of writing some post about CP & just how it effects me & my life.

But, for now -all I can do I hope that Jake gets home soon. I want to go lay down & he's the best guy to have around on days like these. I don't know what it is about him, but he has this way of calming my body just with a simple touch.

I guess it's a good thing I married him, huh?

A Storm's A Brewing

It's almost 2 AM & I can't sleep. I am in a lot pain. If my body is any indication, there is a storm heading our way.

So much pain that I'm not in my chair or on my computer while writing this, but instead in my bed & on my phone. Something I don't often I assure you.

Beside me Jake has been sleeping for hours. That man literally falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. Having had problems sleeping most of my life, it is no secret that I envy him for just that alone.

I hate nights like this bc my mind is always thinking of things. There is no off switch. I have always been a worrier. Sometimes, I truly hate it... who in their right mind would actually likes to worry?

I am exhausted. So, I think I'll try & lay here & pray that I drift off soon.

With Older Eyes

As this day draws to a close, I find myself lost in thought. I spent the day with my mother helping her with preparing food for her annual holiday girl's gathering tomorrow. We worked for over 9 hours, & still didn't get it all done. Craziness, I tell ya.

Me & Mom, Christmas 2009

I love my mother. I really do. Despite having a rocky relationship historically. People change, relationships change & for that I am so thankful. Can you imagine if I never had the chance to have a semi-normal relationship with someone whose primary job is to care for me & love me?

What I see now, & understand now as an adult, is no matter how bad things got - & trust me, at times, they got too bad for words - she still loved me. And I truly think that even though I knew that in my heart to be the truth, I didn't believe it then. How could I? At the time I was living in my close personal hell, unsure if I would make it out alive.

I never wanted for anything... Well, nothing physically, at least. She always provided for me, we had a great house filled with everything we ever wanted. I never had to worry about going hungry or the food we were going to eat. She made sure we had everything we needed, even if she had to work 3 jobs to get it. She was a single parent doing the best she knew how, & I was disabled to boot. Can you imagine?

What wasn't there was the emotional part. I longed for her to be my soft place to fall. To have a loving supportive relationship that I had seen my friends have with their mothers. I wanted to be safe & feel loved. I wanted her to be my best friend.

It wasn't until recently that I realized that she couldn't give me what she didn't have. She is only human & has many flaws. She was just a woman doing the best she could, even if she made mistakes or did things she shouldn't do. I am positive there were many times when she felt unloved, under appreciated, depressed & angry. She had doubts, questions & concerns. Again, she was human.

Perhaps I can see things more clearly, from a different point of view, bc I so deeply desire to be a mother myself. And she so deeply desires to be a grandparent. I don't know if that is what God has planned for us.

What I do know is that God planned for her to be my mom & for me to be her child. Taking the bad with the good, I know that without a shadow of a doubt, she was the best mom she knew how to be when she knew how to be it. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Frustration

That's what I have. Frustration. Lots of it.

Last night I attended a support group for physically disabled adults, which is so new it doesn't even have a name yet. Last nights topic: budget cuts. The easiest way to explain this is there are two programs:

DDA: Provides long term support services for the disabled. The waiting list is forever long (some wait 5 years or better) & priority is based on need. I'm on the crisis resolution list, which are the people who are next on the list to get services. I've been actively waiting for services for 3 years now.

Rolling Access: Provides short term support to people while they are waiting to get DDA. Services not to exceed $3000 in a fiscal year & consider your self lucky if you get the full amount.

Things RA money has gotten me:

Someone to come in, knock down & reconstruct walls in my house, so that I can better access my bedroom with the wheelchair I'm sitting in - which is nothing like the one I had before it.

A grab bar so I can have better assistance in the bathroom, which allows me to get in a out of the shower independently & safely. Something I had to depend on someone else for until I got the bar.

An automatic door opener for the front door. This allows me to freely open and close the door independently & easily. This allows me to get out of my house swiftly in an emergency, & do other things (that people take for granted) like get the mail, walk the dog, go out on the porch & read, go to the van. You get the picture - it basically allows me access in & out of the house whenever I want. Another example of the services that other people who have the money do is they may choose to use it on respite care, like having aides come to the house or go to summer camp.

What's next on the list of things to get done for me? A door opener for the back door. These are not big things, but they are life changing. And they ARE big to me. They are not only big, they're HUGE.

My frustration? Budget cuts. Big changes. Changes that don't effect long term support people (who get a 2% decrease) in they're budget, at least not YET. Example: Someone that gets $10,000 a yr will be reduced only $200. While short term people (like Me) get NO MORE support. In less you count the ONE time in a LIFETIME support, not to exceed $3000. That means if you got a $250 grab bar, sorry about your luck.

Oh, and that waiting list - yeah, sorry about your luck on that too. We're not excepting new people this year.

These effects (plus other changes that re complicated & I won't go into for the sake of this blog & my sanity) take place Nov. 1st, only a few short weeks from now, which may allow me to get a door opener for the back door. The question still remains if that will be my lifetime assistance. I have no clue.

So, sorry this is long, but I had a lot to say. As I go about my day, I'll remember to breathe & try not to let frustration get the best of me. And I hope that as you go about your day, you don't take the slightest thing for granted.

Just Around The Corner

It is cold & damp here. Summer is gone & fall has arrived. It's been raining on & off & on again for what seems like weeks. As always with me, accompanying the rain is pain. It's one of the perks of having CP. Yipee.

I hate complaining - really; however the pain (and lack of periods of relief) complicates even the smallest efforts (like say for example trying to stay positive) more difficult.

I - we - missed church once again. This time bc of my pain. While I don't believe one has to attend church to have a relationship with God, there is no denying that attending church fills a need in me - a need for fellowship. I crave the connection, especially now.

Being honest, these last couple of weeks have been difficult. I have been going through some things & have been more to myself then usual. Things I do not wish to go into at the moment.

Sometimes, I feel like I only get by on a wing & a prayer. Treading water so I don't drown. History has taught me that when I feel like this, hang in there, bc relief has to be just around the corner.

Blog Hop: More About Me

So I was reading this blog, which I love & today Lynnentte suggested a "getting to know you a blog hop," so even though I did this entry only a short bit ago, I decided to do another one, and just hop along.

1. My mom & I haven't always got along, to say the least; however, I have ALWAYS loved her regardless, which is hard for people to understand. Now that I don't live at home, we have a better relationship. Here's a picture taken of us years ago. It is one of her favorites & I love it too.

November 1, 2001

2. I'm my mom's only child, but not my dad's. Both my brothers are older than me, 10 & 8 years to be exact. As a kid, Idolized them. As an adult, I see them as who they are.

3. I am a photo fanatic & pretty much carry a camera with me everywhere. Seriously. I've even figured out how to safely attach my camera to my wheelchair.

4. I am a scrapbooker. I love doing projects all the time. However, I never seem to complete projects for myself, only for others. Hmmm, I never realized that before. I'll have to psychoanalyze that later.

5. I truly miss walking. Especially when that walking allowed me to go into any one's house & be a part of family and friend's functions more.

6. I'm a person, who will give people the benefit of the doubt a little too often.

7. I always try to see the good in people, even when they don't deserve it.

8. I am good at reading people. Sometimes too good.

9. I'm far from perfect. I make lots of mistakes. Sometimes there are things I wish I never did or never happened; however, there is a reason for everything & if things didn't happen the way they did - I would not be who I am today.

10. I have learned that sometimes when you wish for things & get your wish (or not), sometimes that isn't a good thing, but that has never stopped be from wishing. The same can be said about praying.

On Being Disabled: Just a Part of Me

I am so ecstatic! After spending almost 2 1/2 weeks in my manual chair, and being dependent on people more than I am accustomed to, I am FREE. Thank You, God! My power chair is up and running and it feels like a dream. The guy's name was Lou that showed up to fix it and he took 4 hours to do so. For whatever reason, it is always like that with this chair.

You just can't imagine what it's like unless you've been there. I try really hard not to complain, to take the hand that I've been dealt, to always see my glass as half full and not empty; to be nothing but positive. I have learned my world is a lot better and easier to handle, if I look on the bright side of things. Trust me, at times it is not easy to do and it is sometimes a struggle to do.

I haven't always been this way. As I've said before, this is what I have learned. When I had depression, it was difficult. Heck, if I saw anything besides darkness during the days of my depression, it was not only a good day, but a miracle. Seriously.

Although I've always had Cerebral Palsy (CP), I haven't always been in a chair. Sometimes (a lot actually), I truly miss walking like I used to, but by the same token, being in a power chair has given me a freedom I did not have before. For example, I am better able to carry things or take care of things, like my nieces and nephews. And eventually, although not yet, it will enable me to be a better mom. Also, cooking is easier and I can take the dog on a walk by myself. Simple things like that. And though I have always done things on my own, having a power chair takes my independence to another level entirely.

It bothers me when disabled people always use their disability as an excuse, constantly have pity parties, or complain. SUCK IT UP AND DEAL. Thea always says, "Life is tough, get a helmet." Gotta love her. I also have another friend, Bobby, who always said, "I have CP, CP doesn't have me." You see, some people let their disability define them. It becomes who they are. Me? I am - me. My disability is not who I am. It is one part of who I am. I am who God made me to be. He didn't make one part of me - He. Made. ALL. Of. Me.