All I Know

For whatever reason, I've been going back & rereading some old emails & text that I've written to others & others have written to me. I happen to stumble on this & I thought I would share it.

It's something I wrote Theresa FOREVER ago, or at least it seems that way. Well, when I think about it it is not so long ago after all. It was written & sent in the early early hours of the morning on August 13, 2010, before I knew how the day would forever change me.

It is freaky how I sent the email one minute shy of exactly 10 hours before my Dad died. Somehow, the words seem more true now than how they were intended to be received.

I've said it before - sometimes things have to fall apart so that we can rebuild differently & stronger than before. Bc even though it might have appeared that what we had was working for us, maybe it wasn't always the best for us.

You are a great person, mother & friend & you should never forget that. God gave us the ability to love each other, but with that we often pay the costly price of hurting bc love & pain are the best of friends, & you rarely have one without the other.

Life & loss will lead us down many different paths. Each & every path we a supposed to be on, even if it is not the best path or the right path for us in the long run. What is most important is what we lessons we learn & what we take away from the journey.

Wow. How could I know that only in a few short hours that I would so desperately need to hear my own advice, in my own words? And even still need to hear them now, months later?

Actually, if I am to be totally honest, I do remember writing it & I do remember why I wrote it to her, but it wasn't until I noticed that she didn't reply that I looked at the date & everything snapped back in place.

She didn't reply bc she didn't have time before my world came crashing down. All I recall, & I do so vaguely, is that about 12 hours after I wrote that email, sending those words of advice to her - she would sit next to me in a hospital cafeteria as I sit in shock & try to wrap my brain around the fact that I just watched my dad die.

Yes. "...God gave us the ability to love each other, but with that we often pay the costly price of hurting bc love & pain are the best of friends, & you rarely have one without the other." And "Life & loss will lead us down many different paths. Each & every path we a supposed to be on..."

However knowing that is true, I still find myself asking a ton of questions, even months later. I have no clue what path I am on. I have no clue what God has planned for me.

All I know is that He does have a path & plan for me. All I know is there is a reason for this all. All this loss, all this hurt.

All I know & all that I am certain of is that I loved so deeply that I am in such deep pain. After all, you cannot have one without the other. No matter how hard you may try.