Stream of Consciousness: Almost 2 AM

It's late at night - or early in the morning rather - & I cannot sleep. As I write this, I hear the pitter-patter of rain on my air conditioner. It's pouring outside. Ironically though as much as we need the rain, I do not care for the pain it tends to bring with it for me.

I also have so many thoughts in my head & history has proven that - mixed with the late hour - this is not a good thing for me. In just a couple hours, I will go see a new doctor. And it's a GYN on top off that, so I am anxiety ridden.

A million questions swim in my head. Has she ever had a patient with Cerebral Palsy before? Is she patient & understanding? Will she listen to me & my concerns? Will she dismiss me? Will she be understanding if I don't get in the right position the first time (or the tenth) for her to examine me? Will she mention my weight?

{It's not like I don't know I'm fat. I get it. Believe it or not, I actually have a mirror or two around the house. I always find it so ironic how people feel the need to state the obvious like they are doing me a favor by mentioning my weight, like they are cluing me in on some deeply kept secret or something. Just sayin'.}

Perhaps the biggest worry is will she be supportive of me trying to conceive? I'm stressed enough without this worry. I just don't think any one's opinions on what they think is good for me really is going to matter, at least it shouldn't anyway. So, I really hope this appointment goes well, I like her, she's encouraging & supportive. That would just be peachy.

Then to top it off, Jake does not know where he put the papers that I'm supposed to fill out each year, so unless I find them, I will have to fill them out at the office, which I always hate doing considering it is a stack of papers & they have been less accommodating in the past, as clip boards don't really ever seem to do the trick for me. Oh well. Life goes on.

I also have other things going through my head, but I think I will keep those thoughts to myself for now. I'm not sure I have the time or energy to write about it yet, as I'm just so exhausted. Literally.

Well, it seems that the rain outside has turned to hail, even though it is the middle of July almost. At least it sounds that way. We are really having a storm here. I can't even hear Jake snoring from across the room anymore. Secretly, I wonder if I will be able to quiet my mind & body enough to join him.