Update: Only Moments

If you have been following my blog, you may have read this a couple of days ago. Here is an update:

Finally, after days of being sick & not being able to get out of bed, we finally were able to get Dad to go to the hospital. I really don't know any details, just that he is there, which has to be a good thing bc he he has really had small amounts of liquid & food for days.

As for Aunt Elaine, she is home from the hospital & is resting comfortably. This is great news & I hope to get the chance to see her soon.

Thanks for all the prayers. I really appreciate them. More than you know.

Only Moments

Only moments ago, I found out that Aunt Elaine, who has been battling cancer, has been rushed to the hospital. I don't know the details, only that it is serious.

I have been wanting to write about her, & about what she means to me - to put it mildly, she means the world, but I've been at a loss for words, just trying to sort through things myself.

Hopefully some day soon, I'll be able to share with you who she is, what she has meant to me, & the moments - & laughs, lots of them, that we share together.

For this moment though, I will pray. Won't you do the same?

My Heart Aches

My mind is racing. I so want it to stop. You think I would be used to this by now. I just can't bare having to let go of another loved one. Cancer sucks. I wish I knew what to do to make it better, make it go away.

But on the other hand, she is not gone yet. She is still living. I wonder if I will get to tell her everything I have always wanted to say. Knowing that when I looked back, years from now, even if I got that chance, I will have still wanted to say more. That's how it always is.

My mom is heartbroken. I don't blame her. Aunt Elaine has been her friend for so long. It is hard to hear her cry. I can relate to her on so many levels - having loss so much. Having loss so many & grieved more times than I care to count.

If you know me, or have read my blog for any amount time, you know that I always try to see the positive in things. You know that I know God has a plan. You know I know that he uses everything - both good & bad, & makes it for His good. I still know all those things, but it does not make me feel better today.

I wish I could tell others that I'm allowed to have a bad day or days, as the case may be - I'm allowed to feel bad - & still believe those things. Just bc I feel bad right at the moment does not, in any way, shape or form, mean that I don't believe in His Plan. Believing in Him, knowing that he is in control, does not mean that I cannot feel emotion. He created me, & I am human after all.

Through My Fingers

Right now, Dad is in the hospital, with an infection at his difibulator site. Praying that it's an infection just under the skin & not an abscess that requires a transfer to a second hospital & is way more serious than where we stand now.

{Time passes.}

I just got a call from mom. It is with tears streaming down that I say these words. Aunt Elaine's cancer is getting worse. They have done all they can for her at her current hospital & are trying to get her into Hopkins.

I hate this. I love her so much. So very, very much. It almost feels as if everyone I love is slipping right through my fingers. I'm trying so hard to hold on to them. Pull them close, cherish them. Almost as if my love would be enough to sustain them.

It's no wonder that my post are few & far between. My life with Jake - our marriage - is better than it's ever been, but a marriage is only one part. Not everything. I have started what seems like a million entries. All unfinished. All unpublished.

I'm not sure I can even put words to thoughts with all this brokenness around me.

Along For The Ride

I have a number of people on my mind tonight.

My friend, Thea just had surgery yesterday, but is now home recovering & resting comfortably.

My friend Theresa is in GA watching her mom try & recover from a heart attack, at last I heard, she wasn't doing well. I've been keeping in contact with her by text. Even sending her prayers by text; however, I wish there was more I could do for her.

My friend Janie is helping her beloved mother make her transition between this life to beyond & is only been given weeks, if not mere days to live.

My friend Stacey is going to have a C-Section tomorrow. It is scheduled for 7:30 AM to welcome her second born into this world. Two kids in a little less than 15 months.

My friend Rachel, who has Crohn's Disease just found out that she needs another surgery to have more of her diseased intestines removed. She is 29, scared & feels alone. And I don't blame her. The last major surgery she had, she almost died.

Jake's Aunt Tami & my friend Debbie who are going through a rough personal time at the moment.

And, even though I have never mentioned it on here - a couple of months ago, my Aunt Elaine got diagnosed with the an aggressive form of small cell cancer. She has been doing round after round of Chemo, but the cancer has spread.

It is strange to worry about people you love, but I'm not sure it's exact worry as much as care & concern. Life & death are all around, effecting people whom I love. And even effecting me. I know what you are thinking... but I'm not sad. I am really not.

I have learned that I can share in my loved ones joys & sorrows & not take on their "stuff." Or at least I'm learning it now. It's a lot like learning that it not my job to save people. Remember? It's my job to to do something to fix things, just to be there, as a friend, on their journey. I'm just along for the ride.

Faith & Fireworks

I find it interesting that I didn't start this blog to talk about or to be centered around faith, but that's what it seems to be turning into. Perhaps, that's because I find myself not only changing as a person, but growing as a Christian.

My friend Lyda just found out last week that her mom has lung cancer. This has been a trying time for Lyda, as this news is just one more thing piled on top of other struggles, such as being let go as a school teacher, a result of our failing economy.

There is no question that things are not great in her life right now. I can not imagine what she is going through, so I won't even try. I wish there was something I could do to make things better, but I know the only thing is to continue to pray. I wish I could tell her everything is going to work out or be okay, but that is something I can't guarantee. No one can.

On another note, the Fourth of July came and went. A holiday that was always big to me in the past, wasn't so big this year. No cookout for us, no spending hours on end at the town fair. We did go, but stayed just long enough to get pictures of the kids and leave. Jake had to work most of the the day, so it just wasn't the same without him.

Not to mention, I missed and thought of many people that for whatever reason just weren't around (I'm still missing Mandy EVERY day, wondering when the day will come when she is not the first thing I think of when I wake up).

That coupled with the fact that I've been "grounded" since last Tuesday night, with my power chair being broken - which meant I had to use man power and rely on others for help to get around and do things in my very old falling apart manual chair - didn't make me want to be all eager for the Fourth of July. We did however, see some cool fireworks though.

No the holiday didn't go as planned or even how I wanted it to go, but I have found that if I focus on how I think things should be for too long, I miss some pretty incredible things around me.

Finding What Was Lost

The funny thing about loss is no matter how many times it occurs in my life, I never get used to it. There is nothing like loosing someone I deeply love and care about to make me reevaluate my life and look at life with fresh eyes, often more clearly than before.

The sad part is that in order to see things clearly, I must experience pain a deep - life altering way; in such a way that I never see things the same way again. Ever.

Time ticks on slowly and seconds turn to minutes, minutes turn to hours, hours turn to days, days turn to night then back to days again. I miss many people...

Lynne my cousin who died of cancer in January of 2008 and Pete, a dear friend of nearly 20 years, who died as result of a heart attack January 5, 2009 mostly. I find myself missing them in different ways at different times, yet it really does not seem that different at all when I think about it. Because when all is stripped away, I still feel the same.

Seems that some people don't like the changes I've made in my life recently. I am more to myself, not spending hours on the computer or phone. I am centered on God, myself and my family - just as it should be. I am no longer putting others first if they are not on that list.

I'm not saying others are not on the list, just that they don't come first. This is a change is one that I needed to make for a long time and looking back, I should have made it a long time ago. I guess you can say it was through loss that I gained - gained deeper understanding, deeper love, deeper meaning in life.

It's as if through loss I have found it... found a better me. The me I was supposed to be all along.