Missing In Action

So, I haven't quite been MIA, but how come I feel I have? There's just so much going on, sometimes it makes my head spin. Not that there is so much to do, but rather that I just got a lot going on I feel I just can't keep myself straight with all my thoughts & feelings swirling around in my head.

It is quite overwhelming.

In the past week or so, I've started 3 post that I just can't seem to finish. My heart is just not that into it, so there they sit until my heart catches up or I catch my breath - either way.

While I deeply love my husband, I must admit we aren't seeing eye to eye right now. It's not that we are fighting bc we are not. More so, that I feel we are not on the same page with a lot of things at the moment. He thinks everything is dandy, I on the other hand do not.

As a wife, I feel unheard, unsupported, & yes, even unloved. There is so much in a marriage that does not have to do with physical affection. As a man, I'm sure - yes, absolutely sure - that he would be quite fine with just connecting on a physical level, while I, on the other hand, need so much more. So, so, much more.

This doesn't help matters any that I'm already feeling disconnected in other areas of my life at the moment. I feel nothing is gelling with me. I am in the middle of grieving - not just for Mandy, but for other things & people too (some of which have stayed unwritten on here as of yet). I am not feeling connected to my family as much as I would love to be. Nor I feeling connected to Jake's family for that matter.

The one thing - & only thing - I feel I have going for me at the moment is my connection to God & my church, & to be completely honest - I am - & have for not only weeks now, but months -have been feeling so discontent & disconnected there.

I absolutely love my church. It is truly beyond words how I feel about it. It is the most accepting place ever & has hands down been the only church I have truly loved. It has been the longest one I have attended regularly too. Well, with out years upon years of gaps in between for whatever reason.

I just feel that there is something missing for me. A deeper connection to the people that I'm not getting. I want that genuine connection that I'm not sure is there, not anymore. Truthfully, there are very few at the moment that I feel I can be completely unedited genuine with. There has to be more to this. There just has to be.

So, why haven't I left yet? It's is neither that easy nor that simple. Nothing in life ever is. First, is where I love to be. When all else fails, I can always connect there. I am happiest when I'm taking pictures there. Seeing things that others don't through the lens of my camera. I see things like this, just sitting in the sanctuary -right during service.

Second, I truly love the people. Some of the most amazing people I have met in life, I have met there. Even if many of them don't attend the church anymore. They don't stop being amazing, bc they go to another church now.

And hands down, I have grown the most & been given a true opportunity to question, explore, grow & enhance my connection with God there. And reflecting back on it - although it has not at all been easy - it has been life altering & I could not & would not change that for anything.

So, why am I trying so hard to stick it out there? Not look for another church, that may be a better fit for me, when I feel so disconnected & truly believe on some level that may be it is time to move on? Well, it's bc of how disconnected I feel. Say what? Isn't that what I've been saying all along? Well, yes. Sort of.

If I leave now, & trust me it is scary to me how close I have become to doing so, I may never know how I truly feel. Is it I feel disconnected at my church or I'm I just feeling that about life right now? What if I leave, sever ties, - like I did before in another place & time in my life -& don't look back, & it's not so much my church as it is me?

What if the problem is I'm just going through a rough season & among a myriad of emotions discontent is one of them & it's spilling over into how I feel about my church? It's been known to happen.

So, here I sit at nearly 5 AM, feeling like I'm missing something. Something I should be getting. That I am truly MIA, just waiting to be found.

One Year

One Year. 108 Post. 19 Followers later.

Yes, I started this blog, 365 days ago today. Without knowing me it, God had put me on this this path to the amazing journey & (I believe) I was lead to journal it all here. On this very public blog.

Believe it or not, it was not my intention to be out there publicly, with all my thoughts & feelings. To confess my down falls, struggles, & flaws. To admit the questions, pain, & heartache I have. To share my wishes, wants & desires. Yet, this is where I am.

The truth is, I did not start this blog for any other reason than to purge, sort out & explore the things that made me - well, me. This blog, was & always has been for my benefit. And no one else's.

Did I know I was about to face such difficult trials? No. That I was about to lose my best friend & others whom I love? That my mom would have strokes & my dad such great health concern. No.

Or that I would strive so hard to be authentic & a better me. Not only admitting to my struggles as a wife & person, but as a Christian? That I would have such a burning desire & deep need to live within the truth? Rather than to hide in the darkness. Nope. I didn't know that either.

But it's all here. Written in these pages. One entry at a time.

I will forever be grateful for the journey that I am on. And forever be grateful to have this blog to use to my benefit. Bc, in the end, I know there is a plan - a greater purpose. And what a shame it would be to not have something to look back on to see just how far I have come - to be who I truly was meant to be.

Submitting {Part 2}

For the past couple of days, I've been doing some thinking. Pretty much non-stop, unless I'm sleeping, which I must confess - is not a lot.

A couple of days ago, I wrote this about submitting to my husband & since I've been thinking about it, talking to a few trusted friends, exchanging e-mails, & reading the comments left on that post, I thought it deserved another post (if for no other reason then to sort my thoughts that are swirling in my head).

Stacey, who is one of my real life best friends who just happens to have a blog, reminded me that if I continued reading Ephesians 5 , I would get to versus 25-33. And that the most important thing to take away from those verses is that husbands are supposed to love & cherish their wives, as Christ has loved us. Then she went on to say:

You chose to submit for the good of your family and future family, not just him. He in turn should be doing the same. Giving up things *he* wants and submitting for the sake and well being of his family.

Marriage is still about the whole and not the parts. You make sacrifices for each other...and for your family as a whole to do what is best for them. I this case, that is what you've made the decision to do. That doesn't mean you've given up or in. You are a good and supportive wife. He needs to recognize that and remember his roll in this as well. To love you. As Christ loves us.

I have to tell you, bc she is my friend in RL*, & more importantly, one of my best friends, she does know the whole situation & what we are struggling with. And as another friend reminded me, I know what is best for me & that just bc I choose not to reveal to everyone what exactly is going on in my life at the moment, it does not mean I am not being honest.

* real life.

Both these friends are right. Being private, isn't dishonesty. I am still being truthful. And Stacey, well she is right too. Not about how Jake is supposed to love me (well, yes. This is true. As my husband, this is what he is supposed to do), but I do feel as if I gave in. That even though, I chose to support him in this decision that had to be made, I feel that I've some how compromised my values - compromised who I am somehow.

And somewhere deep in side, I feel that my feelings were not acknowledge. That what I've done for him is not appreciated. It's as if it was expected & he just doesn't get just how big of a deal this is for me*.

*And before you ask, he knows I feel this way. He knows these are my thoughts. I do not hide my feelings or thoughts form him at all. It is just not who I am.

I know that I still have values. I still am who I am, but, somewhere deep down, that is not how I feel. I chose to support him. I chose to love him. Always. Always - as in all the time, no matter what. And I know that regardless of how I feel at the moment, this was the best decision for us... even if it does not feel like it right now.

Submitting

I hate this.

I am out of my comfort zone. Jake & I are going through something difficult*. Life changing. I was backed in a corner & forced to make the best decision not for me, but our family & for the sake of the family that we strongly desire.

* And I chose to not share what exactly we are struggling with at the moment. It is personal & private. I can count on one hand the people who know & can honestly say most of the people whom we are closest to do not know.

There is no question that this is not what I want but what needs to be done. And like it our not there is no turning back. Not now.

As a person & as a wife, I do not submit to others very easily. I did that enough as a child, & as an adult, it is not something I do often. Nor do I willfully desire it. So, when decisions needed to be made that was in the best interest for him - Reluctantly, I followed. I really didn't see any other way & trust me, there were no other options.

And it bc of my past experiences, I must confess I do not fully understand submitting to my husband. In Ephesians 5:22-24 (New International Version) the bible says:

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

I know what this passage says. And just bc this is what the bible says a wife is supposed to do, doesn't me that I will do so in my marriage. It does not mean that it is an easy thing to do either. And I personally think that it does not make me a bad Christian, if I don't submit to my husband, but there are times that I do want to submit to him - well, bc he is my husband. And I do believe that part of my job as a wife is to submit to him.

I am his wife, right? I need to support him. Do what's best for him. I have to let him make decisions for us. He is my husband after all. And he is supposed to be the head of this family. Although if you were to look at our relationship historically, you would see that he has had a difficult time filling that role, which Jacob knows & freely admits.

This is so difficult. We will make it through this. And I know we will be better off in the long run... eventually. It's just that I feel a lot of shame & guilt that this is what it has come to. I never thought that I would be put in a situation where this would be the only option. And there is no other way to say this then - this sucks.

I can only do what I know to do & put my trust in God, but even that is difficult to do at the moment.

Not Me Monday: Reflecting

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

It has NOT been forever since my last "Not Me" post. Unless you count this. No, Not Me!

I have not been neglecting things in my life, or at least felt that way this week. I do not wish I could be cloned sometimes so that things get done. I have not let calls go unanswered from certain (nameless) people, hoping & praying that whatever they needed would wait. And most certainly did not feel guilty about it. No, Not Me!

I do not think at times that I should be a better daughter, wife, sister, aunt & friend, even when I feel that there just is no more for me to give. Bc I've given all of me. Even more of me than I truly could not give, bc there is just none left. No, Not Me!

I do not still think of Mandy, everyday, every night, sometimes over & over, still disbelieving that she is truly gone. Even though I was there. I saw it. With my own eyes. I do not think that the silence of her voice, not hearing her stories is - well, deafing. No, Not Me.

I do not have doubts, & fears about the future. Regrets about the past. And sometimes wish I could have a re-do - take 2, even though what ever I have been though has made me who I am. No, Not me!

I am not human, after all. No, Not Me!