Missing In Action

So, I haven't quite been MIA, but how come I feel I have? There's just so much going on, sometimes it makes my head spin. Not that there is so much to do, but rather that I just got a lot going on I feel I just can't keep myself straight with all my thoughts & feelings swirling around in my head.

It is quite overwhelming.

In the past week or so, I've started 3 post that I just can't seem to finish. My heart is just not that into it, so there they sit until my heart catches up or I catch my breath - either way.

While I deeply love my husband, I must admit we aren't seeing eye to eye right now. It's not that we are fighting bc we are not. More so, that I feel we are not on the same page with a lot of things at the moment. He thinks everything is dandy, I on the other hand do not.

As a wife, I feel unheard, unsupported, & yes, even unloved. There is so much in a marriage that does not have to do with physical affection. As a man, I'm sure - yes, absolutely sure - that he would be quite fine with just connecting on a physical level, while I, on the other hand, need so much more. So, so, much more.

This doesn't help matters any that I'm already feeling disconnected in other areas of my life at the moment. I feel nothing is gelling with me. I am in the middle of grieving - not just for Mandy, but for other things & people too (some of which have stayed unwritten on here as of yet). I am not feeling connected to my family as much as I would love to be. Nor I feeling connected to Jake's family for that matter.

The one thing - & only thing - I feel I have going for me at the moment is my connection to God & my church, & to be completely honest - I am - & have for not only weeks now, but months -have been feeling so discontent & disconnected there.

I absolutely love my church. It is truly beyond words how I feel about it. It is the most accepting place ever & has hands down been the only church I have truly loved. It has been the longest one I have attended regularly too. Well, with out years upon years of gaps in between for whatever reason.

I just feel that there is something missing for me. A deeper connection to the people that I'm not getting. I want that genuine connection that I'm not sure is there, not anymore. Truthfully, there are very few at the moment that I feel I can be completely unedited genuine with. There has to be more to this. There just has to be.

So, why haven't I left yet? It's is neither that easy nor that simple. Nothing in life ever is. First, is where I love to be. When all else fails, I can always connect there. I am happiest when I'm taking pictures there. Seeing things that others don't through the lens of my camera. I see things like this, just sitting in the sanctuary -right during service.

Second, I truly love the people. Some of the most amazing people I have met in life, I have met there. Even if many of them don't attend the church anymore. They don't stop being amazing, bc they go to another church now.

And hands down, I have grown the most & been given a true opportunity to question, explore, grow & enhance my connection with God there. And reflecting back on it - although it has not at all been easy - it has been life altering & I could not & would not change that for anything.

So, why am I trying so hard to stick it out there? Not look for another church, that may be a better fit for me, when I feel so disconnected & truly believe on some level that may be it is time to move on? Well, it's bc of how disconnected I feel. Say what? Isn't that what I've been saying all along? Well, yes. Sort of.

If I leave now, & trust me it is scary to me how close I have become to doing so, I may never know how I truly feel. Is it I feel disconnected at my church or I'm I just feeling that about life right now? What if I leave, sever ties, - like I did before in another place & time in my life -& don't look back, & it's not so much my church as it is me?

What if the problem is I'm just going through a rough season & among a myriad of emotions discontent is one of them & it's spilling over into how I feel about my church? It's been known to happen.

So, here I sit at nearly 5 AM, feeling like I'm missing something. Something I should be getting. That I am truly MIA, just waiting to be found.

Just Because

It is March 13, Nearly 3 whole months after Christmas, yet our tree - which is fully decorated is still up. I ask Jake to take it down every couple of days, but it is not even on his list of things to do. I will gladly help, but I can't do it alone.

In a couple of hours, it is daylight savings time. We will lose an hour in the middle of the night. I feel I have lost a lot of things lately, time is only one aspect. I don't know why I am finding myself doing these Stream of Conscience post lately, or find myself in mixed moods, but maybe it is good not to question much - at least if I can't know the answers. It just might work well for me.

Beth's party was last night at church. I had a blast. Mostly I was found chatting & taking pictures, two roles I fall into easily. Hung out afterwards with some awesome people from church at a local restaurant. It was nice to connect with others with ease for once.

I - for whatever reason - am not sure why - I am not looking forward to going to church tomorrow. It is not bc of anyone in particular, just feel not into it. Strange thing is - I have a feeling I need to hear whatever the message is & there is an important farm meeting afterwards, which I have been looking forward to for weeks. It will be interesting to see what Beth does tomorrow, considering she is not on staff anymore. She will actually be able to stay for the whole service. Too cool. I'm pretty sure that's a first in the whole ten years & nine days that she was on staff.

Jake worked at a friend's house today. He is helping them with work in their house. Actually, both her & her husband are friends of our family. He was gone many hours, which does not bother me. What does bother me though is he didn't call once, not to check on me, but just bc. How come he doesn't call for anything when all I can do is think about him all day... missing him just bc... just bc I love him?

Go figure. And good night.

4:00 AM Ramblings

In a little over an hour the alarm is set to go off to wake Jake from his slumber. I wish it was me - sleeping beside him, but I know any attempt to sleep now is a useless effort.

God, that man doesn't know how lucky he has it. I wish I could be more like him in some ways. I admire his uncanny ability to not worry about things daily. I love the way he can be goofy & couldn't really care less who thought what of him. But on the other hand that can be as annoying as hell.

Here is yet another night's sleep unhad. My mind consumed with thoughts, unable to quiet. Perhaps it is bc I'm in pain. Or miss Mandy. Or I'm going to church this evening to attend a farewell-to-you-Beth-thanks-for-giving-us-your-all-as-an-employee-for-ten-years-but-we-are-really-glad-you-are-staying-with-are-church-as-a-community-member party. This in general is a great thing, but I pray that she makes a smooth transition into the next phase, whatever that may be for her. In a lot of ways, I'm so happy for her.

Mostly, I think it's Mandy though. Yesterday evening, which was just hours ago, was emotional. Like a crying like I can't breathe kind of emotional. I'm here to tell tell you nothing gets easier with time. Nothing. Especially, when & where questions exists.

I need a hug. A couple of days ago, I got really sick, but I feel better now. My body still aches though. And my sleep disturbed. Hell, who am I kidding? My sleep is always disturbed.

I can't wait for Spring. Although I think it's going to rain today. The pain in my hips is a better indacater then the word of any weather man. I should go now. And at least try to snuggle up to my sleeping husband while I still can.