Missing In Action: When it Rains

So, I have been MIA, but I have good reasons.

Family.

For starters, a few weeks ago, Jake's dad wasn't feeling well & long story short - he ended up in the hospital & underwent some test. The test came back showing he had some blockages in his heart.

The doctors are trying to treat it medically with medicine at the moment & my FIL is trying to make some lifestyle changes so that his heart can get better & he can be healthy, which will allow him to stay around longer.

My FIL has no history of heart trouble before this, so you can imagine how crazy it was for me (& Jake, for that matter) to be going through this yet again, merely weeks after losing dad. Still, through it all, I tried to stay focused & not worry until there was reason to do so.

And so, I went into crisis mode & stayed there for awhile until it was safe for me let my guard down. I am so at home in crisis mode, or shall I say - it is a place that feels all too familiar. For now, & hopefully a long time, FIL is doing well, & taking better care of himself.

Then there is Damon. Damon is my brother, 8 years my senior, 2 years Lea's Junior. I know I have never really went in depth about Damon on here before now. I guess this was simply bc I didn't want to just say some stuff about him without giving him & who he was the time & attention he deserved.

Damon is my older brother who has had paranoid schizophrenia since he was a teenager. He lives in one of the few state intuitions that our left in the country & has for going on 18 years or better.

Well, Saturday morning I got a call from my grand mom asking me if I heard from anybody about Damon. When I said no, she then told me that she got a call from a trauma nurse stating that Damon is about to undergo surgery for a badly broken leg.

We are still unsure of what happen & we are trying to piece together the truth from the many different stories we are hearing from multiple sources. All I know for sure is that my brother now has 8 pins in his leg & has an external fixation attached to his leg & is do for at least one more surgery.

This week has been long & tiring... all these weeks have. I feel like lately that is all I'm doing is going from crisis to crisis. People have said to me, when it rains, it pours, which, in all honesty, I'm sick of hearing.

This is just life, & sometimes it happens like this. I just gotta keep going - moving on, moving forward bc if I stop, I may get stuck. And I want to be anything but stuck.

In The Woods

Dear Friends,

Even though I am tired beyond belief, I wanted to take time & write you an update. Yesterday, Dad got transferred to JHH. This move was much faster than expected, but I learned that they want to operate on him tomorrow, if everything aligns in the universe right. If for some reason they can't do it tomorrow, Monday is a must.

Even though he is sicker than he has ever been, they want to remove his defibrillator unit as fast as possible to remove the original source of the infection. We are hoping that it is just the unit that is infected & not his heart, but seeing that the infection has spread to his bloodstream, they are doubtful.

Sometime during the night his defibrillator fired 9 times, so they quickly moved him to the CICU (Cardiac Intensive Care Unit) & put him on more meds to help his heart stay out of the pesky VT rhythms that is causing the defibrillator to go off.

The doctors have been very honest to both my dad & me, if he survives the surgery, the recovery will be long & difficult. It will be quite awhile before anybody can safely say his is out of the woods.

I'm holding up okay. Although I am exhausted & at times, frustrated & scared. For the majority of the time though - at least while I'm at the hospital - I am good, pulling strength from places even I didn't know existed.

I am so very thankful for your well wishes, prayers & encouragement through phone calls, e-mails. text, & even comments on my blog. They mean more than you will ever know.

Praying For Dad

Dear Friends,

I wanted to write you to touch base with you & let you know what is going on with my family. My dad, whose name is Rodney, is very sick. For weeks now, he has been fighting an infection at his pacemaker/defibrillator site that they have been trying to treat with antibiotics, in the hopes that they could prevent a very serious & dangerous surgery that may end his life or cause him to need emergency open heart surgery or, quite possibly both.

All attempts to prevent the surgery have failed & he was told today that the surgery is a must.

However, right now, he is too sick for them to attempt the operation. Yesterday, he was rushed to the hospital, after being weak & very sick for days. He has a massive staph infection throughout his body caused by the initial infection they have been trying to battle. His blood pressure is extremely low. His liver & kidneys are malfunctioning. In addition, his blood is super thin & they are trying to thicken it so that when he is more stable, they can transport him to JHH for the operation.

I would be very thankful if you would keep my dad & my family in your thoughts & prayers.

Update: Only Moments

If you have been following my blog, you may have read this a couple of days ago. Here is an update:

Finally, after days of being sick & not being able to get out of bed, we finally were able to get Dad to go to the hospital. I really don't know any details, just that he is there, which has to be a good thing bc he he has really had small amounts of liquid & food for days.

As for Aunt Elaine, she is home from the hospital & is resting comfortably. This is great news & I hope to get the chance to see her soon.

Thanks for all the prayers. I really appreciate them. More than you know.

Update: On Dad

Here's the long a waited update on Dad. He went to see several doctors. His regular heart Dr., who I'll call Dr. R, has a long history with my family. He was my Granddad's Dr. & has been my dad's Dr. for many years. It goes without saying that my family has a long history with him.

The second Dr. is the Heart Dr. at JHH who has operated on dad's heart for the past 2 years years. I will call him Dr. H.

First, Dad had to see Dr. H, for a follow up after he was finished all antibiotics he was given. His chest was still a little swollen & red, but the Dr., who is hoping not to operate on dad's heart bc he has see his heart up close & personal & knows how risky this operation will be for him, said he wants to see him in a couple of weeks.

A couple of days after this visit, Dad told me his chest was more swollen & red. When I tried to get him to call the doctor - any heart doctor, either Dr. R. or Dr. H., Dad refused & said in a couple of days he had a appointment with Dr. R..

When he went to that appointment, Dr. R. said he wants Dad to make an appointment with Dr. H. again. When I asked dad about it, he said he wanted to wait a while, a few weeks & see what happens. Much to my protest, believe me.

That was last week.

Within, 24 hrs. Dad has been hit with his defibrillator twice, the last time less than two hrs ago. I just don't know anymore. And I'm completely frustrated. Beyond belief.

I fear my dad has given up on life. I know he is tired. I know he thinks has a burden & a bother. He's not. He is my dad. And I love him.

Please pray.

Out of Reach

It's nearly 7:30 AM & I've had an sleepless night. I wanted this post to be wordless, maybe a cute picture of my friend Stacey's child Christian, but that will have to wait.

Dad is going to be transferred to Hopkins today. As of the day before last, he has had 19 rounds of antibiotics. I know that it is more by now. When he gets transferred, he will undergo an operation to clean out the infection that is in defibrillator site.

I cannot lie, I am worried. There is a unsettling feeling within me. I'm am sure things will turn out to be okay. It's just that this infection is an abscess is in his heart. No doubt, this operation is more complicated than in the past.

Usually, I have a calmness about me when it comes to days like these. It is a calmness that I miss, like a best friend has gone away or is just out of reach. I know, with all the logic that I possess, that God has a plan & it is His, not mine. He is in control, not me. Somehow that should make me feel better, but it doesn't - not this time.

I don't even know if they will do anything today besides transfer him. I guess that is part of what is adding to my feelings, not knowing. It is long distance from the current hospital to call me, so right now, I just have to call every couple of hours to see what's going on & gather information as I can.

Until then, I will pray. And hope that calmness come into reach soon.

Through My Fingers

Right now, Dad is in the hospital, with an infection at his difibulator site. Praying that it's an infection just under the skin & not an abscess that requires a transfer to a second hospital & is way more serious than where we stand now.

{Time passes.}

I just got a call from mom. It is with tears streaming down that I say these words. Aunt Elaine's cancer is getting worse. They have done all they can for her at her current hospital & are trying to get her into Hopkins.

I hate this. I love her so much. So very, very much. It almost feels as if everyone I love is slipping right through my fingers. I'm trying so hard to hold on to them. Pull them close, cherish them. Almost as if my love would be enough to sustain them.

It's no wonder that my post are few & far between. My life with Jake - our marriage - is better than it's ever been, but a marriage is only one part. Not everything. I have started what seems like a million entries. All unfinished. All unpublished.

I'm not sure I can even put words to thoughts with all this brokenness around me.

Along For The Ride

I have a number of people on my mind tonight.

My friend, Thea just had surgery yesterday, but is now home recovering & resting comfortably.

My friend Theresa is in GA watching her mom try & recover from a heart attack, at last I heard, she wasn't doing well. I've been keeping in contact with her by text. Even sending her prayers by text; however, I wish there was more I could do for her.

My friend Janie is helping her beloved mother make her transition between this life to beyond & is only been given weeks, if not mere days to live.

My friend Stacey is going to have a C-Section tomorrow. It is scheduled for 7:30 AM to welcome her second born into this world. Two kids in a little less than 15 months.

My friend Rachel, who has Crohn's Disease just found out that she needs another surgery to have more of her diseased intestines removed. She is 29, scared & feels alone. And I don't blame her. The last major surgery she had, she almost died.

Jake's Aunt Tami & my friend Debbie who are going through a rough personal time at the moment.

And, even though I have never mentioned it on here - a couple of months ago, my Aunt Elaine got diagnosed with the an aggressive form of small cell cancer. She has been doing round after round of Chemo, but the cancer has spread.

It is strange to worry about people you love, but I'm not sure it's exact worry as much as care & concern. Life & death are all around, effecting people whom I love. And even effecting me. I know what you are thinking... but I'm not sad. I am really not.

I have learned that I can share in my loved ones joys & sorrows & not take on their "stuff." Or at least I'm learning it now. It's a lot like learning that it not my job to save people. Remember? It's my job to to do something to fix things, just to be there, as a friend, on their journey. I'm just along for the ride.