Four Months Gone

Funny how time drifts on, even if we don't want it too.

I've been thinking lately how strange it feels to exists without my dad. There are days that I have to remind myself that he is gone.

Still.

This seems like a very odd thing for me to have to do, yet there are days when I have to remind myself several times. And others where it is painfully clear.

It seems like I should be doing something. Like going to a hospital to visit him, picking up food from the store, taking him Christmas shopping, or logging on to play The West with him.

Christmas time doesn't feel very Christmassy this year. I am amazed that it is cold bc somewhere in my brain, I am stuck back in August - unable to compute that my world has ticked on for an entire quarter of a year without him.

My phone is still too silent. I suspect it always will be. I wonder how others have coped & if they struggled to find their place again, like me.

Two AM & I am still awake. I am always awake now, never able to seem to get whatever it is I need. My doctor says this is what it is like to grieve for a parent. Or so he has heard. So vastly different than any other grief.

I should say so.

And will say so.

Four months. Gone.