Contradiction

By the time this post goes live tomorrow, I will be getting ready to leave & go to Aunt Elaine's funeral. Just a very short 7 days ago, I buried Dad last Wednesday too.

I am exhausted & questioning a lot. Sometimes I just think that this cannot be real & I'll wake up any second. I'm in automatic mode that is for sure. Everything around me seems to be in slow motion, yet moving so incredibly way too fast.

I don't want to be around people, but yet, I don't want to be alone either. I want to push people away, but yet, I want to hold them close & am terrified of them leaving me. I am a rolling contradiction.

I am hurting so much & so deep that I don't even know if words exist to express how I feel. If I do ever find the words though, you'll be the first to know.