A Storm's A Brewing

It's almost 2 AM & I can't sleep. I am in a lot pain. If my body is any indication, there is a storm heading our way.

So much pain that I'm not in my chair or on my computer while writing this, but instead in my bed & on my phone. Something I don't often I assure you.

Beside me Jake has been sleeping for hours. That man literally falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. Having had problems sleeping most of my life, it is no secret that I envy him for just that alone.

I hate nights like this bc my mind is always thinking of things. There is no off switch. I have always been a worrier. Sometimes, I truly hate it... who in their right mind would actually likes to worry?

I am exhausted. So, I think I'll try & lay here & pray that I drift off soon.

Plans & Moving On

What a long day week. Our friend, Mike, whom I affectionately call Charlie (two names, one person), moved in his new apartment this week. For those who know him & his story (which is his story to tell, not mine), I truly hope this is the fresh new start he needs.

Being the good friends we are, we helped him move, assembled things, took him to stores, picked up things for him, put things away, ect... Often leaving his place in the late early hours of the night morning. Needless to say we are are all exhausted, but that's what friends do, right? Especially after over 22 years of friendship.

I feel as if I put my life on hold this week. Calls gone unanswered. Sleep unhad. Appointments not scheduled. The house not cleaned. Duties neglected. However, it was my choice to help him, & I have no regrets. Why should I? He certainly does quite enough for us & he does not have many he can truly depend on.

I have found myself reflecting a lot this week. Time & time again, I could not believe I was helping him move again. Into his own apartment. Alone. It just affirmed to me (yet again) - more than ever - that sometimes our plans are not, in deed, God's plans. No matter how right those plans seem to be at the time, He is the true Planner of it all.

And that may make all the difference in your world.

Thoughts of You

Dear Mandy,

Here it is after one in the morning and I can't sleep. I find my thoughts drifting to you and am easily overwhelmed lately.

Since you left us, some days are better than others. Your memorial will be on May 23, nine days after my fourth wedding anniversary to Jake. Needless to say, I can't seem to wrap my brain around the fact that you are not here.

I'll be the first to admit, I have not grieved yet, but it is easy to procrastinate given no opportunity for closure.

I am exhausted. It's been raining here for nearly two weeks straight and I miss you giving me weather reports and writing mini novels on my Facebook wall.

It just occurred to me, that the reason I got up out of bed, into my power chair to blog now, is so that I could blog my thoughts and calm my mind for a bit.

Everything is numb. Well, sort of. This rain is causing a lot of pain, with little relief. Able bodied people can never understand what disabled people go through. And you know, I hate pulling the disability card, but I can not change what is true. The truth is the truth.

As I was grieving for another friend years ago, someone once told me something that I like to think is true for you - even if you could come back you wouldn't want to.

I am comforted by the fact that you are running in Heaven now, free from a body that limited you in so many ways, but could never cripple your spirit.

I love you.