Saying Sunday: The Company We Keep

"The key is to keep company only with people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best."

~Epictetus
Greek Philosopher associated with the Stoics
AD 55-c.135

TTC: And the Truth Will Set Me Free

The say the truth will set a person free. So, here it goes. In April of 2007, Jacob & I decided to start a family or try to at least. So for over the past 3 years we have been trying to conceive.

Ever since I can remember, I've wanted to be a Mom. And for just about as long, time & time again, people have been telling me what a great mom I would be. Well, I don't know about that. What I do know is that I would love being a mom & Jake would love being a dad. In fact, he is so ready to be a dad.

We didn't start out by telling everyone on the planet. And certainly I would have never dreamed of telling in on my very public blog. See, not everyone has been supportive. And I just don't care to deal with naysayers.

Cerebral Palsy is not genetic. I cannot pass it on to my child. Sure, there is always a chance of it occurring, but there is no more of a chance of it occurring with my child than it is with yours. And as for being in a wheelchair, I can do everything that it takes to raise a child that you can do out of one just in a different way.

I have dealt with family, friends, & doctors that have not been supportive, but the bottom line is no one can give me any legitimate reason not to have a child. I even went for preconceptional counseling in 2005 & after some medication adjustments & such, no one could not see any reason why I shouldn't be given the opportunity to be a mom.

And really, it's not up to any one else anyway. Just Jacob & I. But the truth is - I am tired. Month after month being filled with disappointment as either my period shows up or there is a Big Fat Negative (BFN) staring back at me. And it's just amazing how those months pile up & turn into years.

And if you know me, you know that I truly believe with all of my being that there is a time & place for everything, neither of which I really have any say in. Even though that is still true & I still whole-heartedly believe that - does not mean that I don't get disappointed or discouraged.

I do. I am human.

So there it is. It's out there. On my very public blog. Strangely, this is more freeing than I thought it would be. This is always how the truth should feel.

A Storm's A Brewing

It's almost 2 AM & I can't sleep. I am in a lot pain. If my body is any indication, there is a storm heading our way.

So much pain that I'm not in my chair or on my computer while writing this, but instead in my bed & on my phone. Something I don't often I assure you.

Beside me Jake has been sleeping for hours. That man literally falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. Having had problems sleeping most of my life, it is no secret that I envy him for just that alone.

I hate nights like this bc my mind is always thinking of things. There is no off switch. I have always been a worrier. Sometimes, I truly hate it... who in their right mind would actually likes to worry?

I am exhausted. So, I think I'll try & lay here & pray that I drift off soon.

Honest Scrap Award

Today, I became aware that I received this award On July 21, from Marcelle at Making Babies. How cool is that? My first award! Keeping with the requirements to receiving the award. Here are 10 things most people do not about me:

1. I want to be a mom, more than most can imagine.

2. I hate it when I can't get stuff from the kitchen frig or anywhere else for that matter. I think BOTH Jake & his dad should have to spend a solid week in a wheelchair. Then, maybe things would change around here and actually STAY changed (not just for a week or two).

3. I have no tattoos. But I've seriously considered getting one since Mandy has passed.

4. I think about people, friends and family, that I loss touch with or who are not as present in my life (or me in theirs), for whatever reason, everyday. Sometimes, several times a day.

5. I love my church. We travel about an hour (one way) to it every Sunday. I love the people, and I love the community. They are very open, excepting, contemporary, and accessible - in more ways than the physical sense of the word. We have looked at several churches to try to find one closer, without luck. Not bc we want to leave our church, but it would be nice to have one closer so I can get to it when Jake cannot take me. Like when he had that other position at work for a year and was required to work on Sundays.

6. I have many issues with certain things (like trust), but I will tell you what they are and fully admit and acknowledged them.

7. I am a very private person, especially lately. People confuse me being outgoing with being open. Their are many things my best friends don't even know. Even some that no one knows.

8. I will talk about or share my past with just about anyone, if there is a reason to do so. Even if it makes me uncomfortable. I truly believe you have to share your story in order to respect it.

9. I often get annoyed at people. And please note, this is NOT to anyone specific, but EVERYONE. So, if you just happen to be reading this and think is about you, you are WRONG. It is not. Everyone, means everyone. My biggest annoyance is if you want me to know something, tell me. I gave up my mind reading skills a long time ago. Many people rely on many things to communicate things. Be direct. Do not rely on text, or e-mail or other people to tell me things, especially if I don't respond back. Call me (I secretly hate e-mail). BE DIRECT. In addition, there are many who get mad when I don't respond to whatever or however they want. I'm sorry. I cannot be who you want me to be. I can only be me.

10. I wish people would stop asking me, hinting at, referring to me having a baby, putting pressure on me, ect.. about having a child or trying to have a child. God has the ultimate plan, and if it is meant to happen it will - in HIS time, not mine or anyone else's for that matter. Frustrating, I know. But very true.

I am passing this award to 2 people: Stacey at Musings of A Passionate Mind. Who hasn't blogged in forever, but is always honest when she does. And El at Profoundly Seth. Who shares not only the good parts in life, but the not-so-good parts also, with a difficult honesty that I secretly admire.

Faith & Fireworks

I find it interesting that I didn't start this blog to talk about or to be centered around faith, but that's what it seems to be turning into. Perhaps, that's because I find myself not only changing as a person, but growing as a Christian.

My friend Lyda just found out last week that her mom has lung cancer. This has been a trying time for Lyda, as this news is just one more thing piled on top of other struggles, such as being let go as a school teacher, a result of our failing economy.

There is no question that things are not great in her life right now. I can not imagine what she is going through, so I won't even try. I wish there was something I could do to make things better, but I know the only thing is to continue to pray. I wish I could tell her everything is going to work out or be okay, but that is something I can't guarantee. No one can.

On another note, the Fourth of July came and went. A holiday that was always big to me in the past, wasn't so big this year. No cookout for us, no spending hours on end at the town fair. We did go, but stayed just long enough to get pictures of the kids and leave. Jake had to work most of the the day, so it just wasn't the same without him.

Not to mention, I missed and thought of many people that for whatever reason just weren't around (I'm still missing Mandy EVERY day, wondering when the day will come when she is not the first thing I think of when I wake up).

That coupled with the fact that I've been "grounded" since last Tuesday night, with my power chair being broken - which meant I had to use man power and rely on others for help to get around and do things in my very old falling apart manual chair - didn't make me want to be all eager for the Fourth of July. We did however, see some cool fireworks though.

No the holiday didn't go as planned or even how I wanted it to go, but I have found that if I focus on how I think things should be for too long, I miss some pretty incredible things around me.

Thoughts of You

Dear Mandy,

Here it is after one in the morning and I can't sleep. I find my thoughts drifting to you and am easily overwhelmed lately.

Since you left us, some days are better than others. Your memorial will be on May 23, nine days after my fourth wedding anniversary to Jake. Needless to say, I can't seem to wrap my brain around the fact that you are not here.

I'll be the first to admit, I have not grieved yet, but it is easy to procrastinate given no opportunity for closure.

I am exhausted. It's been raining here for nearly two weeks straight and I miss you giving me weather reports and writing mini novels on my Facebook wall.

It just occurred to me, that the reason I got up out of bed, into my power chair to blog now, is so that I could blog my thoughts and calm my mind for a bit.

Everything is numb. Well, sort of. This rain is causing a lot of pain, with little relief. Able bodied people can never understand what disabled people go through. And you know, I hate pulling the disability card, but I can not change what is true. The truth is the truth.

As I was grieving for another friend years ago, someone once told me something that I like to think is true for you - even if you could come back you wouldn't want to.

I am comforted by the fact that you are running in Heaven now, free from a body that limited you in so many ways, but could never cripple your spirit.

I love you.