His Gift

I am trying to decompress.

Yesterday was rough. Very tough.

Dad is okay for now. His nearly 10 hour VT ablation, is over. He was the first one to go back for the day & the last one to go to recovery. Not wanting to lie, there were complications - the kind of complications & close calls that no one ever wants to hear.

Bc of the complications & the sheer stress placed on his heart, the doctors decided that they would not change his defibrillator. That would just have to wait for another day, hopefully in as little as a week or so. There is also talk of placing a different type of defibrillator in, one that would be better suited for dad's needs.

Even though he is still in the hospital right now, there is talk of releasing him tonight, which just seems crazy to me given all that has happened. Although I'm not certain, I am wondering if they are going to release him bc they know that there are plans for his return in very near future. And if there is no sign of trouble after they observe him, maybe it's okay, right? I wish I could be certain. The only thing that is for certain for now is that my dad & those who love him, have been given a gift.

Yesterday, hours before I was to leave for the hospital, I was unable to sleep. I had called it an early night & was startled awake by Pee Wee when he jumped of the bed. I had tried everything to go to sleep. At the time, I had only been asleep for almost two & a half hours.

I ended up calling Rachel & hung up when the alarm clock sounded that was intended to wake me. Conversations & phone calls like that are not strangers to either of us. I told her I was not worried about my dad. I did have some anxiety & concern, but I was not worried.

At some point in our conversation I said to her, "Regardless of the outcome, my Dad will be okay." I wasn't just saying that. I meant it. I mean it. I mean regardless. I can't explain things to where most people can understand. Does that mean I want him to die & if he does die, I won't be devastated - no, not at all. He is my father. He is my dad. No one in their right mind would willingly want that.

What that statement means is that perhaps more than ever, I realize that things in this universe is so much bigger than me. This isn't new. It always has been.

I was alone at the hospital for hours. For the majority of the day, there was calmness & certainty I felt. Even through knowledge of the complications. However, as the day went on, & hours ticked away, I became a little more frantic & frazzled.

And pissed. Yes, I was pissed. And even though I was angry, I was more hurt than anything. It wasn't the fact that I was at the hospital alone, by myself for the entire day... I knew Jake had to work. I was & still am perfectly fine with that.

What I'm not okay with - what doesn't sit right with me - is that he did not call, not even once, to see how I was, to see what was happening or for an update. And not only that, but when I called him to give him an update, he started ranting & raving about this & that pertaining to his day at work.

{Ummmm, Honey? I know I'm your go-to person. I know you got a lot going on. Your day is not going so great for you, but now... right now, I can't do this. I can't have you answer the phone & the very first words out of your mouth is a rant. Not, how are things going? Not how's your dad? Not how are you? What ever you need me to be, I can't. Not now. Really, it's not all about you.}

I have concluded - even through my anger & being hurt by his actions - that they're are just some things that he doesn't get. There are just things that he just can't do. Why? Bc much like I wrote about here, Jake just can't give me what he doesn't have. He just can't do better, bc he doesn't know better. He does stupid things sometimes, but so do I. Jake is human.

Still, as alone as I was, I wasn't. I had friends, phone calls, & text messages. And those calls & messages served a great purpose. In fact, I had one friend who just blew me out of the water with her words & support, but that is truly a story for another day.

Today, I am just so thankful. Filled with gratefulness. Appreciation. And in awe at the love, grace, mercy & embrace that God has chosen to gift to me.

In The Storm

There is a blizzard outside my door.

Seriously.

It's over 2 feet already & is no where near ready to stop, only hours away from breaking records.

I got a call at 1:45 AM this morning. I hate calls like that. It is never good. Dad was waiting on the ambulance, having called after being shocked by his defibrillator 4 times - once even while I was on the phone. Turns out, he gets shocked 5 times total before they make it to the hospital.

Before he hangs up, he tells me not to call my brother til later as he was in "a little car accident yesterday." What? Nice. How come no one told me? I wonder.

I hang up. My mind races. I want to run to him. Be with him. Tell him that everything will be okay. I look at the snow outside my window & know that God has other plans. I instantly pray. For both of them.

The snow still falls.

Hours & about 11 phone calls later, I finally track my dad down. He's been admitted. I call my Grandmom & let her know what's going on. Turns out that "little car accident" wasn't so little after all.

When I talk to my SIL & brother, I find out that he was turning the corner & got T-boned by a car going more than 60 MPH. His trucked flipped. The firemen smashed his windshield to get him out.

Wearing a neck brace, he says, "I walked away without a scratch. I'm indestructible, Shannon." I wish he was joking, but deep down, I know he believes this. He always has.

I hang up. Say a silent prayer. I am reminded that there is nothing I can do that I have not already done. For either of them. A calm & warmth fill me.

And the snow still falls.

Update: Stellan

I am over joyed to say that Stellan got released from the hospital yesterday. As the Lord would have it, he never went to Boston. It has been a long road, for MckMama & her family with lots of prayers a long the way. Stellan in SVT free, on a new drug plan that is actually working for him & they figured some things out along the way, such as Stellan metabolizes drugs differently than other little boys.

I think this entry will tell you some of where this journey has taken Stellan's family... And it's one of my favorite entries. This is also a great (& truthful) entry. All this is to say - beyond a doubt - that prayer works, & God can do not only good things but Great things. Just take a look:

From this:

To this:

Yes, He is Great, indeed.

On Being Disabled: Just a Part of Me

I am so ecstatic! After spending almost 2 1/2 weeks in my manual chair, and being dependent on people more than I am accustomed to, I am FREE. Thank You, God! My power chair is up and running and it feels like a dream. The guy's name was Lou that showed up to fix it and he took 4 hours to do so. For whatever reason, it is always like that with this chair.

You just can't imagine what it's like unless you've been there. I try really hard not to complain, to take the hand that I've been dealt, to always see my glass as half full and not empty; to be nothing but positive. I have learned my world is a lot better and easier to handle, if I look on the bright side of things. Trust me, at times it is not easy to do and it is sometimes a struggle to do.

I haven't always been this way. As I've said before, this is what I have learned. When I had depression, it was difficult. Heck, if I saw anything besides darkness during the days of my depression, it was not only a good day, but a miracle. Seriously.

Although I've always had Cerebral Palsy (CP), I haven't always been in a chair. Sometimes (a lot actually), I truly miss walking like I used to, but by the same token, being in a power chair has given me a freedom I did not have before. For example, I am better able to carry things or take care of things, like my nieces and nephews. And eventually, although not yet, it will enable me to be a better mom. Also, cooking is easier and I can take the dog on a walk by myself. Simple things like that. And though I have always done things on my own, having a power chair takes my independence to another level entirely.

It bothers me when disabled people always use their disability as an excuse, constantly have pity parties, or complain. SUCK IT UP AND DEAL. Thea always says, "Life is tough, get a helmet." Gotta love her. I also have another friend, Bobby, who always said, "I have CP, CP doesn't have me." You see, some people let their disability define them. It becomes who they are. Me? I am - me. My disability is not who I am. It is one part of who I am. I am who God made me to be. He didn't make one part of me - He. Made. ALL. Of. Me.