His Gift

I am trying to decompress.

Yesterday was rough. Very tough.

Dad is okay for now. His nearly 10 hour VT ablation, is over. He was the first one to go back for the day & the last one to go to recovery. Not wanting to lie, there were complications - the kind of complications & close calls that no one ever wants to hear.

Bc of the complications & the sheer stress placed on his heart, the doctors decided that they would not change his defibrillator. That would just have to wait for another day, hopefully in as little as a week or so. There is also talk of placing a different type of defibrillator in, one that would be better suited for dad's needs.

Even though he is still in the hospital right now, there is talk of releasing him tonight, which just seems crazy to me given all that has happened. Although I'm not certain, I am wondering if they are going to release him bc they know that there are plans for his return in very near future. And if there is no sign of trouble after they observe him, maybe it's okay, right? I wish I could be certain. The only thing that is for certain for now is that my dad & those who love him, have been given a gift.

Yesterday, hours before I was to leave for the hospital, I was unable to sleep. I had called it an early night & was startled awake by Pee Wee when he jumped of the bed. I had tried everything to go to sleep. At the time, I had only been asleep for almost two & a half hours.

I ended up calling Rachel & hung up when the alarm clock sounded that was intended to wake me. Conversations & phone calls like that are not strangers to either of us. I told her I was not worried about my dad. I did have some anxiety & concern, but I was not worried.

At some point in our conversation I said to her, "Regardless of the outcome, my Dad will be okay." I wasn't just saying that. I meant it. I mean it. I mean regardless. I can't explain things to where most people can understand. Does that mean I want him to die & if he does die, I won't be devastated - no, not at all. He is my father. He is my dad. No one in their right mind would willingly want that.

What that statement means is that perhaps more than ever, I realize that things in this universe is so much bigger than me. This isn't new. It always has been.

I was alone at the hospital for hours. For the majority of the day, there was calmness & certainty I felt. Even through knowledge of the complications. However, as the day went on, & hours ticked away, I became a little more frantic & frazzled.

And pissed. Yes, I was pissed. And even though I was angry, I was more hurt than anything. It wasn't the fact that I was at the hospital alone, by myself for the entire day... I knew Jake had to work. I was & still am perfectly fine with that.

What I'm not okay with - what doesn't sit right with me - is that he did not call, not even once, to see how I was, to see what was happening or for an update. And not only that, but when I called him to give him an update, he started ranting & raving about this & that pertaining to his day at work.

{Ummmm, Honey? I know I'm your go-to person. I know you got a lot going on. Your day is not going so great for you, but now... right now, I can't do this. I can't have you answer the phone & the very first words out of your mouth is a rant. Not, how are things going? Not how's your dad? Not how are you? What ever you need me to be, I can't. Not now. Really, it's not all about you.}

I have concluded - even through my anger & being hurt by his actions - that they're are just some things that he doesn't get. There are just things that he just can't do. Why? Bc much like I wrote about here, Jake just can't give me what he doesn't have. He just can't do better, bc he doesn't know better. He does stupid things sometimes, but so do I. Jake is human.

Still, as alone as I was, I wasn't. I had friends, phone calls, & text messages. And those calls & messages served a great purpose. In fact, I had one friend who just blew me out of the water with her words & support, but that is truly a story for another day.

Today, I am just so thankful. Filled with gratefulness. Appreciation. And in awe at the love, grace, mercy & embrace that God has chosen to gift to me.