Unplugged

Sometimes - just sometimes - I want to disappear. Not die, disappear. Don't get the two confused. I've been feeling that way a lot lately. I'm just done with a lot of things. I am burnt out & I need time away from it all. I want to unplug.

I cannot give you, or anyone else for that matter, what I don't have. And if that upsets you. I'm sorry. I truly am. Sometimes, the world isn't all about you.

I am stretched thin. Too much giving without enough getting. Too much not being heard. Everyone needs someone to listen. Do you really think I am that different? Too much existing not enough living.

Then there is Jake, the biggest one who does not get it. And before you ask, no we are not having problems in our marriage - No we do not want to break up. Yes, I'm still desperately in love with him. He is just unplugged.

I don't know where he's been these past couple of weeks, but I wish he would come back. It's like he is just going through the motions. Maybe he is spent too. Don't get me wrong - he's here. He's just not connected. I just need him to get reconnected. To plug in. To totally get it.

And he doesn't get it. Neither does his family. I am sick of giving everything to them & getting nothing in return. I wonder if God ever feels that way? I know I feel that way a lot. I'm so done with not getting appreciated. So done with not being acknowledged. So done with not being respected.

The thing is, the thing that no one gets - is I'm going through my own stuff. And I'm not really sure it's stuff I want to talk about or even know how to begin talking about right at the moment. So, yes - I want to unplug. I want to disappear. Just for a little while. Just so I can find me - & my normal - again.