Christmas is in 3 days & I'm not ready. The tree is up with lights, but it is not decorated. Saturday came & went & dumped 2 feet of snow upon us. It is a mess in Maryland.
Everything is in slow motion & I hate it. I am not being humbugish, but it is true that I just want this holiday to go away. I want nothing more then to wake up on the 26th & things to be done & over with.
I just don't have my heart into it this year. I miss Mandy, Momma Nancy, Lynne & Pete. Oh how I wish I had a child to throw my energy into right at the moment, but I don't. Not that a child would make it all better.
I'm a firm believer in children should not be born with a job, such as those who have children in an attempt to save a relationship*. However, I know me & the truth is that I know that if I were a mom at this very moment, I would focus on making Christmas enjoyable for my child.
*Let me make it clear that even though Jake & I are having our struggles at the moment, our marriage itself is not in jeopardy.
Truthfully, I want nothing more then to make this holiday about me connecting with my husband & us both connecting with the God who wants nothing but the best for us.
It seems that over time this holiday has lost its focus. Family dwindles away. It becomes about what you get instead of focusing on what you already have & the intrinsic things you can give or the gifts that cost nothing.
And another thing - while I love & am very grateful for the children that our a part of our lives - I get tired of being Aunt Shannon to OPC* sometimes & wonder when it's our turn to be parents.
I'm a firm believer in children should not be born with a job, such as those who have children in an attempt to save a relationship*. However, I know me & the truth is that I know that if I were a mom at this very moment, I would focus on making Christmas enjoyable for my child.
*Let me make it clear that even though Jake & I are having our struggles at the moment, our marriage itself is not in jeopardy.
Truthfully, I want nothing more then to make this holiday about me connecting with my husband & us both connecting with the God who wants nothing but the best for us.
It seems that over time this holiday has lost its focus. Family dwindles away. It becomes about what you get instead of focusing on what you already have & the intrinsic things you can give or the gifts that cost nothing.
And another thing - while I love & am very grateful for the children that our a part of our lives - I get tired of being Aunt Shannon to OPC* sometimes & wonder when it's our turn to be parents.
* Other People's Children
The most frustrating thing at the moment is trusting. Truthfully, I will readily tell you that I have trust issues. I always have. And I must admit that even as strong as my faith is sometimes those trust issues carry over to trusting God.
Over time, He has showed me that His plan that happens on His time is far more superior than my plan. In fact, it is not only superior, but the result that often occurs when I submit to His plan is far more greater than I have ever could have imagined.
So, for now I wait. Trying to trust bc I know there is something better for me. There has to be.
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I seem to have a lung infection, haven't had one for well over a year. Things are done a decorated but I haven't baked a thing. I really want to bake and I feel like crap, all I can do is rest and sleep. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day for both of us. God is good and I put all my trust in Him.
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