Submitting {Part 2}

For the past couple of days, I've been doing some thinking. Pretty much non-stop, unless I'm sleeping, which I must confess - is not a lot.

A couple of days ago, I wrote this about submitting to my husband & since I've been thinking about it, talking to a few trusted friends, exchanging e-mails, & reading the comments left on that post, I thought it deserved another post (if for no other reason then to sort my thoughts that are swirling in my head).

Stacey, who is one of my real life best friends who just happens to have a blog, reminded me that if I continued reading Ephesians 5 , I would get to versus 25-33. And that the most important thing to take away from those verses is that husbands are supposed to love & cherish their wives, as Christ has loved us. Then she went on to say:

You chose to submit for the good of your family and future family, not just him. He in turn should be doing the same. Giving up things *he* wants and submitting for the sake and well being of his family.

Marriage is still about the whole and not the parts. You make sacrifices for each other...and for your family as a whole to do what is best for them. I this case, that is what you've made the decision to do. That doesn't mean you've given up or in. You are a good and supportive wife. He needs to recognize that and remember his roll in this as well. To love you. As Christ loves us.

I have to tell you, bc she is my friend in RL*, & more importantly, one of my best friends, she does know the whole situation & what we are struggling with. And as another friend reminded me, I know what is best for me & that just bc I choose not to reveal to everyone what exactly is going on in my life at the moment, it does not mean I am not being honest.

* real life.

Both these friends are right. Being private, isn't dishonesty. I am still being truthful. And Stacey, well she is right too. Not about how Jake is supposed to love me (well, yes. This is true. As my husband, this is what he is supposed to do), but I do feel as if I gave in. That even though, I chose to support him in this decision that had to be made, I feel that I've some how compromised my values - compromised who I am somehow.

And somewhere deep in side, I feel that my feelings were not acknowledge. That what I've done for him is not appreciated. It's as if it was expected & he just doesn't get just how big of a deal this is for me*.

*And before you ask, he knows I feel this way. He knows these are my thoughts. I do not hide my feelings or thoughts form him at all. It is just not who I am.

I know that I still have values. I still am who I am, but, somewhere deep down, that is not how I feel. I chose to support him. I chose to love him. Always. Always - as in all the time, no matter what. And I know that regardless of how I feel at the moment, this was the best decision for us... even if it does not feel like it right now.

Saying Sundays: Falling Down

“In life you are going to make mistakes, you're going to fall down, but it's the getting up that counts. Just like in baseball: you'll get a few hits, but most likely, you'll strike out more than you'll get on base. But don't quit. Find your focus, relax, take a deep breath and give it a good swing"

~~ Dave Pelzer - A Man Called Dave

Wordless Wednesday: Sweet Dreams

May 1, 2008

Submitting

I hate this.

I am out of my comfort zone. Jake & I are going through something difficult*. Life changing. I was backed in a corner & forced to make the best decision not for me, but our family & for the sake of the family that we strongly desire.

* And I chose to not share what exactly we are struggling with at the moment. It is personal & private. I can count on one hand the people who know & can honestly say most of the people whom we are closest to do not know.

There is no question that this is not what I want but what needs to be done. And like it our not there is no turning back. Not now.

As a person & as a wife, I do not submit to others very easily. I did that enough as a child, & as an adult, it is not something I do often. Nor do I willfully desire it. So, when decisions needed to be made that was in the best interest for him - Reluctantly, I followed. I really didn't see any other way & trust me, there were no other options.

And it bc of my past experiences, I must confess I do not fully understand submitting to my husband. In Ephesians 5:22-24 (New International Version) the bible says:

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

I know what this passage says. And just bc this is what the bible says a wife is supposed to do, doesn't me that I will do so in my marriage. It does not mean that it is an easy thing to do either. And I personally think that it does not make me a bad Christian, if I don't submit to my husband, but there are times that I do want to submit to him - well, bc he is my husband. And I do believe that part of my job as a wife is to submit to him.

I am his wife, right? I need to support him. Do what's best for him. I have to let him make decisions for us. He is my husband after all. And he is supposed to be the head of this family. Although if you were to look at our relationship historically, you would see that he has had a difficult time filling that role, which Jacob knows & freely admits.

This is so difficult. We will make it through this. And I know we will be better off in the long run... eventually. It's just that I feel a lot of shame & guilt that this is what it has come to. I never thought that I would be put in a situation where this would be the only option. And there is no other way to say this then - this sucks.

I can only do what I know to do & put my trust in God, but even that is difficult to do at the moment.

Saying Sundays: Truth

"The truth. It is a beautiful and terrible thing, and must therefore be treated with great caution."

~~ J. K. Rowling

Focus

December 30, 2008, 11 Months Old

This is Corrie. She is my friend Ansley's daughter. She turned 2 on Thursday. And yes, Corrie & Lisa were born only a day apart!

I am so excited to go to her party today! And even more excited to spend time with her, her parents & brother.

So, there is no long blog post for today. As my focus is turned to something better: spending time with those whom I love.

Happy 2nd Birthday, Little Lisa

My Dearest Lisa,

Today, is your second birthday. I can't believe how big you have gotten. It seems like just yesterday that you were in the NICU. I have to wonder where the time has gone. Uncle Jake & I don't have any cousins for you to play with yet so it brings me lots of joy to watch you & your brothers grow up, & we get to see you almost every day since you only live right across the ally.

Before I go any further I should thank you. It is bc of you that your mom & I have the relationship we do. I spent many hours with her at the hospital doing my best to relay messages to her from the staff when they didn't have an interrupters for her. And when they did have one, I got to have actual conversations with her like I never had before. I must admit, it still baffles the heck out of me that your daddy grew up in this family & no one (besides me) knows any signs around here.

You are the first girl to be born in this family for 40 years. Everyone is smitten with you. You have them wrapped around your little finger & you know it. And just in case you haven't realized by now, you have a ton of people who love you, but I think you hold a special place in you Grandpop's heart. Shhhh... Don't tell your brothers. {:)

You are a happy child & are always smiling. You hardly ever cry. You provide us with many laughs, something we don't have enough of around here since your Grandmom died almost 10 years ago. You are very smart; in fact, I think you are smarter than all of us put together at times. You already know many signs, you can count almost to 10 & know several of your letters.

I cannot wait until you grow up to see the young lady you will become, but pretty please with sugar on top don't grow up too fast. We enjoy every minute with you & want as many as we can. You can be anything you want to be. And I know, even this early, that whatever you will do, you will be great at it. You & your brothers can do anything you set out to do & I believe that God has a special plan for each of you.

Well, My Little Niece, I want to thank you for everything you do & who you are. Know that Uncle Jake & I love you very much. And we a very grateful that you & your brothers have come into our lives, but are more grateful that God has chosen us to be a part of yours.

We Love You Always,
Aunt& Uncle Jake

The Jitters

I don't know what it is, but I've not been feeling well lately. And before you ask, NO, I'm not pregnant, & yes, I'm sure! Even though a girl can hope, can't she?

My body is tense from the cold & people don't understand how painful it is to have your body literally be in pain bc you just can't get your body to relax. It's all a part of having Cerebral Palsy. Imagine making a fist, & keeping it tightly closed for hour on end.. that's what happens when I'm cold or it's cold outside.

I hate it, but what can I do? As I write this now, I feel a never ending tense feeling that accompanies a jitter. Actually, I've been toying with the idea of writing some post about CP & just how it effects me & my life.

But, for now -all I can do I hope that Jake gets home soon. I want to go lay down & he's the best guy to have around on days like these. I don't know what it is about him, but he has this way of calming my body just with a simple touch.

I guess it's a good thing I married him, huh?

A Storm's A Brewing

It's almost 2 AM & I can't sleep. I am in a lot pain. If my body is any indication, there is a storm heading our way.

So much pain that I'm not in my chair or on my computer while writing this, but instead in my bed & on my phone. Something I don't often I assure you.

Beside me Jake has been sleeping for hours. That man literally falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. Having had problems sleeping most of my life, it is no secret that I envy him for just that alone.

I hate nights like this bc my mind is always thinking of things. There is no off switch. I have always been a worrier. Sometimes, I truly hate it... who in their right mind would actually likes to worry?

I am exhausted. So, I think I'll try & lay here & pray that I drift off soon.

Wordless Wednesday:Cousins At "Christmas"

John & Me, January 10, 2009

Waiting For Things To Fall

Am I missing something?

I've been feeling out of sorts lately. I can't really say much more, partly bc I haven't figured it all out myself yet & partly bc I'm just waiting.

Waiting for what? Well, I can't really answer that either. If it's one thing I have learned is not every question has an answer that I have the privilege of knowing, & even if I do find the answer - I just may not like the answer.

When I married Jake (& really, if I'm to be honest - ever since I was little), I had big dreams of having a family. I still do. And it's no secret that we desperately want to be parents. We do not hide this fact, but there are times when we just don't go screaming it from the nearest rooftops either.

Marriage & life has not been easy for us at all. Truthfully, we have struggled more than most. I am not asking for things to be easy. I don't want that. I would never want that, unless that is in the plans for us.

It just seems that lately everything is coming at us all at once. We can't get a break to gather ourselves before we are thrown into another round of hardship. Trust me, if God wants my attention, He's got it.

I try really hard to all the time be thankful for the blessings we do have, especially in difficult times. It is thanks to my FIL & my mom that we have most of our blessings. Well, really my blessings are from God in the form of FIL & my mom. Without them, I don't know what we would do.

Here's the thing though - I am tired. I'm exhausted. I can't keep putting out fires or waiting for the other shoe to drop, always trying to figure out what I'm going to do to make sure we make it through. I am tired of just getting by.

I want things for us. Our own family. Our own place. Our own peace of mind at the end of the night. I know this may be a lot to ask, but still I have to ask. I would be crazy not too.

So, here I am. As always, I'm waiting. Waiting for things to fall...waiting for things to fall into place. Still... still giving thanks for it all.

Finding Bill

Every once in a while, when things are stressed & crazy in my life, something will happen to put things in perspective. That's how I felt this past Friday when my phone rang.

We met in our freshman year of high school, destined to be friends when our science teacher, Mr. Z., sat us next to each other. And that's what we were... great friends. He quickly became one of my best friends, although I am not certain I was one of his (for that you would have to ask him).

When we met depression consumed me & my life was dark, but Bill didn't care. In fact, in some strange way he understood. Looking back, I really can't believe just how screwed up I was inside & I'm grateful that there were a few friends who could see past the muck & see me for me, not the me who I was back then.

Bill & I have a pattern in our friendship... One that I hope will never happen again. You see, half way through our freshman year, he had to move. My heart was broken. Even though I did not & do not love him romantically, there is no doubt that I do love him, as much as anyone would love a true friend, one that is meant to be cherished.

For many years after he moved, we stayed in touch, but one day we just went out of touch & life went on. Then a couple of years went by & I was in a store with my mom & Bill, who was an employee there, walked up to me. As if no time had passed, we started talking again & hanging out & for a few months things were great. Until one day he told me that he was moving to another state to try & have a relationship with his dad.

After that, I did what I swore I would never do again... We lost touch. Losing him again drove me crazy. I searched everywhere I could think for a way to find him again... Searched for his family, made cold calls to people with his same name, searched My Space & Facebook periodically, Jacob even helped me look at times. Each time I searched throughout the years, I would find nothing. And the years went on & so much time passed.

Then in late November I searched Facebook again & much to my surprise, he was there! I just can't tell you how excited I was... I even woke Jake up to tell him that I found him {:) The rest is really just your typical lost friend reconnect story...

This past Friday, we went out to lunch, saw a movie (BTW, if you haven't seen Avatar, you must go see it. In I-Max if you can. It is absolutely visually stunning!), & even met up with Jacob for dinner. I couldn't wait for them to meet. All in all, it was a fantastic day! And it gave us time to catch up, bc both of our lives have changed so much in the years gone by.

Me & Bill, January 15, 2010

After all of that, I am reminded - In the end, it's not the details that matter, just the friendship that still remains.

Saying Sunday: Faith

"Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase."

~~ Martin Luther King Jr. (1929 - 1968)

Enough Questions

Do you ever wonder if you are doing enough?

I wonder that all the time. Am I doing enough as a wife? Am I doing enough as a daughter? Or a sister? Or friend? Often times I wonder if I'm doing enough as a Christian. I must confess that what ever the version of the question is the core remains the same. Am I really doing enough?

Having lost so much in life has given me a unique outlook. I am in no way naive or in anyway sheltered. I am a person who feels deeply & thinks (& rethinks) often. Although I don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon, I often find myself wondering if I were gone tomorrow would this be enough? Would my life matter? What would my legacy be?

Jacob & I have been married for 4 years & 8 months exactly today... Sometimes, I am tortured by the fact that we don't have children yet. It bothers me. And I know that it bothers Jacob. I know that things will happen in time, to be more specific God's time, but that doesn't make it hurt any less or the aching subside.

As much as I love the people in my life who have their own children & am so very grateful that they allow me to love their children as if they are my own, there is always a reminder that I am still childless. At the end of the day, they get the the kisses, the snuggles, the tucking in for the night's sleep (hopefully), ect...

Most of the time I don't let it bother me. I tend to look on the positive side rather than the negative. It's not what I don't have as much as it is what I do have. However, every once in a while, I'm blindsided & the tears flow freely like the dam burst & I'm exposed.

Like on this past Christmas morning when FIL allowed my nephews & niece open gifts before I was even told they were here. I couldn't control myself & I lost it. I remained unusually quiet, as huge tears fell with each blink, my face turned some shade of red (I'm sure) & my nose became instantly stuffy. As FIL said he was sorry & just simply said:

"It's just that we don't have any children to watch on Christmas morning..."

So forgive me if it bothers you that I'm riddled with huge questions. The questions are always there - just bc I choose not to focus on them all the time doesn't mean they don't exists. And at the days end I just hope that who I am & what I've done is enough... for now.

A Tired Christian

This Takes The Cake

As promised, here are some pictures of my friend Stacey's son, Christian, when they had his first birthday party this past Saturday.

Birthday Boy...

takes the...

CAKE!!!

Taking Hold

I am exhausted. It's a good exhausted though. My weekend was full of friends & family, & I wouldn't have it any other way. It was a non-stop celebration (birthdays, holiday gatherings, ect..).

Yesterday, after rushing to mom's so we could watch the Raven's game - I couldn't help it we are in the playoffs (we won by the way!) - while helping her bake cookies & other yummy food for dinner. My cousin, John & his family came over, as they do every year around this time.

I loved seeing them & wish that I could do it more during the year. I don't know what it is, but I just want to grab on to the family & friends that I have left & take hold. Time goes on, people grow up, life (& death) happens... way too fast in my opinion.

It might be bc 2009 was such a difficult year with all the losses I encountered, but I think it's more... I've had losses before - many, many, many of them - in a short period of time. This is something more. Something I just can't put my finger on.

Something unsettling. Something urgent.

I wish I could shake it, but I can't. I don't know if it is a good or bad thing exactly, only that it's difficult to identify & it seems to not be going away anytime soon. For whatever reason I have a feeling that it is not for me to know the answers.

So, again, as numerous times in the past, I wait. Taking in the world around me - grabbing hold tight. Knowing that I'm just along for the ride.

Saying Sundays: Sunlight

"Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight."

~~Benjamin Franklin

One Day, Two Parties!

My day was packed full of family & friends. Love & gratitude was over flowing.

I went to Christian's first birthday party today*. I am so smitten by him it's not funny. That boy just gets more beautiful every time I see him. I am so happy that his mother is still a part of my life & she has given me the opportunity to love her family.

After I left Stacey, I went to mom's annual Girl Gathering*. Where great homemade food is raved about, good conversations are had by all, some gifts are exchanged, among lots of laughs, especially if Aunt Elaine & I have something to do with it (we can just look at each other & without a word erupt in laughter). And after church tomorrow, it's back to mom's for more family fun.

* Pictures soon, I promise.

I don't know what it is, but I've been thinking a lot. Pondering many different things & trying to sort it all in my head. I find myself asking if tomorrow comes, will this person know how much I love them. I supposed this is bc I've been thinking & missing Mandy non-stop. Life is too short to not appreciate a love one now.

In addition, I'm trying to work through some personal things that I am just not ready to share at the moment. So much for blogging boldly. {:) Actually, if you want to know the truth, I'm still trying to figure things out in my head, before I pound it out here. And even though I've been blogging a couple months short of a year, I go back & forth sometimes about how much I want to share - a dilemma that I am sure all bloggers have at some point.

I also think I'm going to start something called "Saying Sunday". I have a strong desire to blog more then I have in the past & I'm finding that I really like that on Wordless Wednesdays bc they are a short picture post & don't require much time at all. Traditionally, I like to keep my Sundays focused on God & family, so I don't really desire to blog then. So, starting tomorrow, I will post a quote that I like or that has special meaning.

Speaking of tomorrow, church is early & sleep is calling.

With Older Eyes

As this day draws to a close, I find myself lost in thought. I spent the day with my mother helping her with preparing food for her annual holiday girl's gathering tomorrow. We worked for over 9 hours, & still didn't get it all done. Craziness, I tell ya.

Me & Mom, Christmas 2009

I love my mother. I really do. Despite having a rocky relationship historically. People change, relationships change & for that I am so thankful. Can you imagine if I never had the chance to have a semi-normal relationship with someone whose primary job is to care for me & love me?

What I see now, & understand now as an adult, is no matter how bad things got - & trust me, at times, they got too bad for words - she still loved me. And I truly think that even though I knew that in my heart to be the truth, I didn't believe it then. How could I? At the time I was living in my close personal hell, unsure if I would make it out alive.

I never wanted for anything... Well, nothing physically, at least. She always provided for me, we had a great house filled with everything we ever wanted. I never had to worry about going hungry or the food we were going to eat. She made sure we had everything we needed, even if she had to work 3 jobs to get it. She was a single parent doing the best she knew how, & I was disabled to boot. Can you imagine?

What wasn't there was the emotional part. I longed for her to be my soft place to fall. To have a loving supportive relationship that I had seen my friends have with their mothers. I wanted to be safe & feel loved. I wanted her to be my best friend.

It wasn't until recently that I realized that she couldn't give me what she didn't have. She is only human & has many flaws. She was just a woman doing the best she could, even if she made mistakes or did things she shouldn't do. I am positive there were many times when she felt unloved, under appreciated, depressed & angry. She had doubts, questions & concerns. Again, she was human.

Perhaps I can see things more clearly, from a different point of view, bc I so deeply desire to be a mother myself. And she so deeply desires to be a grandparent. I don't know if that is what God has planned for us.

What I do know is that God planned for her to be my mom & for me to be her child. Taking the bad with the good, I know that without a shadow of a doubt, she was the best mom she knew how to be when she knew how to be it. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Got A Shovel?

They are calling for snow again tonight to last into tomorrow. I'm not really sure just how much we are supposed to get this time.

A couple of weeks ago, 5 days before Christmas to be exact, almost 2 feet of fell on us. It was a mess - a total mess - here. It left me stranded in the house for days. Power wheelchairs & snow are not exactly the best of friends.

See all the snow on the hood of our van? Well, our van wasn't the only thing that was buried...

No, seriously...

that's DEEP!

Wordless Wednesday: Sneak Attack

Update: Rachel

Rachel & Me, May 2005

Rachel is still in the hospital. She was scoped yesterday, so that the doctors can see what's going on. I'm not sure too much of the details, but I do know that they started her on IV steroids, which she, & everyone else for that matter, was hoping would not happen.

I don't know how she is handling all this. She is in so much pain, not sleeping well & no one can really tell her what the hell is going on. I hate Crohn's. Why there is there is even such a horrible disease existence I will never understand.

There seems to be a lot I don't understand now a days. So all I do is pray.

Hide & Seek

Recently, I read this post from MckMama's blog & I've been pondering somethings... Actually, I've been thinking about the same things she talks about in her post well before I had read it. It's a good read, with some really good points, so if you haven't read it, I encourage you to do so. But only if you wish to do so. {:)

Living boldly is hard. Blogging boldly is even more difficult. Or is it the other way around? Some days I think it's both, or one over the other depending on the day. No matter how honest I am or how much I try to be authentic, sometimes I still find myself editing when I don't mean to or just automatically, which ever the case may be.

There are lots of times lately, say in the past year or so, that I find myself in a place that I do not ever wish I was in & I was (am) out of my comfort zone; however, I have grown from those places & learned from those places. Does it make it all worth it? Maybe, but at the time I'm in those places, I don't want to think of that.

Although, I must say, that since I started this blog, I do try to write from my heart as often as I can - with a bold honesty that, yes, sometimes takes me out of my comfort zone. It is so much easier to pretend that I have it all together when I don't. That Jake & I aren't struggling when we are. That I am not upset or angry when I am, in fact, pissed. Who am I fooling? Certainly not myself. Certainly not God.

Being honest now, I must say that right this very moment - for days now, I have been pissed. That I'm not only just mad, but I'm pissed at God. Why? Well, for right now, that's going to have to stay between me & Him. Maybe there will come a time when I will share - maybe that time will never come.

This is nothing new. It has happened before. Many, many times. What is different now? Now, I am closer to God then I have ever been & my relationship with Him has never, ever been so real.

So real, in fact that it is hard to ignore Him & even more difficult to push him away. It's as if He is saying, "I'm here. Right here and I am not going anywhere, regardless if you are mad or not. Push all you want. I'll still be here." In fact, I know that's what He is saying.

So great - just great - I'm pissed & I have to deal with it too? Talk about living boldly. Now that's being honest. I don't know why it's so difficult for me to admit that I'm mad at God right at this moment, when I have done so in the past & I've not only done so, but I have done so rather loudly.

Maybe it's bc even when I'm mad, He continues to change me, give me gifts, & bless me in many ways. Or maybe it's bc of this journey I am on & that I am closer now then I have ever been. This time it's much more personal. This time, He is harder to ignore, harder to run from, harder to hide from... That no matter just how much I do run, the truth remains that I simply cannot hide.

I never could. Bc no matter where I try to hide, He is always seeking me.

Long Day

It's 11 PM & I am finally home. It has been such a long day. We started out at church & ended up going to the hospital.

My friend Rachel is in a local hospital for some complications which, I guess, are linked to her Crohn's disease. I don't think they really know what's going on, especially since they told her (& she has the picture to prove it) that she was in remission a short 2 1/2 months ago.

Sometimes there are days when I wish there were things I could do for her & knowing that there really is nothing that I can - I just try to be the best friend that I can be to her.

So, for now I wait & pray & just hope that she gets what she needs & stays strong for what ever comes her way.

Just A Little Venting

I will be the first to tell you - I am not perfect. Not by a long shot, just not at all.

I don't know it all or even pretend to know it all. I want certain things I can't have, some not right now, some not at all:

I want to have a family;
I want to have my friends here with me, instead of not.
I want to stop being tortured by Mandy's death &
I want answers damn it (don't I deserve that?);
I want to cure cancer;
I want to be able to freely admit - I am pissed & that isn't going away, not soon!
I want people to understand that feelings are not wrong, no matter what they are -
I want to believe what I know to be true.
I want to not worry about certain things;
I want to stop doubting;
I want to know that things are going to be okay;
I want a safe place to fall!

Wow, it's a short list, but that's a lot & at least it's truthful. And I know that I could go on longer, but don't have the time or the engery. Hey, if I can't vent, WTH is a blog good for anyway?

The Promise of Today

I awake and breathe in the morning. My husband lay beside me & it is a new year. 2009 is a thing of the past.

Along with 2010 there is a hope. Hope that this new year will be the fresh start that so many need & desire. This year not yet tainted with stress, worries, illness. Wait, I still have worries - lots of them...

But I am hopeful. There is hope for me. Hope for my husband. Hope for the family we so desire. Hope for a better year than the one we just left behind. There is no promise that no one will get sick. There is no promise that no one will die. There is not even the promise of tomorrow. There is only the promise of today.

I started this blog for myself, so I would have a place to come & process my thoughts & therapeutically surrender some things. At the time, I had no idea that I was on the verge of something bigger. A journey that I had no idea I would embark on.

In the past, I've never been one to buy into resolutions, but this year I think I've found one that works for me. In this new year, I vow to continue on my journey to be more authentic. To live in the truth, no matter what the cost. For no other reason, then to be who I was truly meant to be.