Heaven's A Little Brighter Tonight

Easter 2008

The world's a little darker & Heaven's a little brighter tonight. At 5:15 PM (EST), this wonderful lady whom I affectionately call Momma Nancy, lost her battle to live & finally went home to be with Jesus & so many loved ones before her.

Please pray that her family & loved ones are comforted during this time of tremendous loss.

I can honestly say that without her support, love & laughter throughout the years, I would not be who I am today. There is not enough gratitude on this planet that even comes close to what I owe her.

I love you. I love you. I love you. Thank you for making this world such a better place by not only being in it, but by touching so many others with your beauty & grace.

Jake & I will miss you dearly. Butterfly, Emu!

Living In The Truth

Authentic [aw-then-tik]: not false or copied; genuine; real.

Over the past year, I have attempted to become more authentic. Something that I have craved to be well before this year. I have, as I always had, yearned to be a better person, to live in nothing but truth - to be the person I was meant to be, & fully embrace that change.

It has not been easy to except this journey I continue on, but nonetheless, I welcome it. Living in the truth, no matter what that truth is & no matter how much it hurts to face that truth sometimes is a daily struggle.

And living in the truth, striving to be authentic, has cost me greatly.

I have come to realize that even though I embrace the truth, others do not. This has cost me friendships, put a strain on some relationships, & caused me to question & see things differently than I ever had before.

Over time, I have rearranged my priorities & put myself before others. Something that I have NEVER done before. And, well, this hasn't sat well with some. As I think back, this blog was created as a direct result of me putting me on the top of my list. Remember?

Yes. Things are different. Things were not made to always stay the same. People were not made to stay the same either. And, as much as I hate to admit it, while I do have regrets, I am not sorry for how things are now.

I am a better person bc of my quest to be authentic. It is my journey - no one else's. The person that I am & who I continue to be is so much better than the person I ever dreamed of being.

So, yes, I'll continue on my way - being genuine, real, not false, bc in the end, the rewards are far more greater than I imagined.

Thankful

On this day, I am thankful for:

A God the truly loves me unconditionally -
showing me grace & mercy daily;
A husband who loves me - even when I'm difficult to love;
A mom & dad who love me even though they don't love each other;
Two brothers who love me, each in their own way;
And friends that love & care about me -
some who have been there through it all.

A roof over our heads, & a house that is functional -
thanks to my father-in-law;
A warm bed to sleep in at night;
Clothes to wear - thanks to my mother;
And food to eat.

The cherished time spent with loved ones
Expecially those who are no longer here;
The fact that I was a part of their life -
More importantly that they were a part of mine;
And knowing that my life & who I am is forever altered
bc of them - no matter how long they were here.

Wordless Wednesday: The Best Medicine

In Awe

Dear God,

I am in awe. Speechless. As I write this, tears stream down, not in sadness or despair, but in thankfulness of your mercy & grace. You are amazing. Thank you for shedding light on my darkness, giving me a peace that is so undeserving. What a gift.

Thank you for leading me on this journey & allowing me the freedom to chose to stay on this path of healing, which allows me to be who I was truly meant to be.

My Love Always,

On Being Left Behind

Did you know that yesterday was National Survivors of Suicide Day? How crazy is that? I hate the fact that there is a need for this day at all, but I'm glad us survivors get recognized.

I recently talked about this very subject in a post just less than two weeks ago. Remember? And I have even talked in the past about my own battles with depression & suicide. So, I've been there, on both sides, which truly suck. Although very truthful, sharing those realizations & thoughts was not at all easy. Neither was my journey to get to this point, but regardless, here I am.

Every question, every tear - both by the thousands, maybe millions. Countless emotions both crammed down & (sometimes, reluctantly) shared with the close trusted few. Sleepless nights spent trying to piece together where it actually went oh-so-wrong. Attempting to figure out if you could have done anything to change the fate that they had chosen for themselves.

To figure out why they left you behind.

Not one second, not one minute of it is ever easy. Never.

But it does get easier. When? well - that's different for everyone. Some days, some weeks, some years, are difficult - very difficult. To this day - there are times - even years later, I'm hit out of no where & like that I'm a mess again. But... I don't have to stay a mess.

And neither do you. So, if you were someone left behind, know that you are not alone. There is always someone that has been there, someone who understands. Even if that someone is a stranger. I didn't get here - to the place I am at - all by myself.

Yes, we are out here... those of us who do the very best we can... those of us who are left behind.

New Look, Fresh Start

As some of you have noticed, my blog is sporting a new look. I thought it was time to get a re-do, to reflect a little touch of me, be a little more personal, & in a sense, mirror the changes that are not only occurring in my life, but within with me.

I searched forever, or what seemed like forever, for the a blog designer that seemed to be a fit for me, researched, contacted, & questioned several people, none of which seemed right for me. Except one.

I chose Jennisa from Once Upon a Blog Design Shoppe, & I couldn't be more elated with the result! She was very easy to talk to, patient & extremely accommodating. I knew nothing about what I wanted or didn't want, but she knew what questions to ask & how to turn my answers into something so beautiful that truly reflected me. Without question, I will return to her with all of my future designing needs. So, if you are looking for a blog makeover, make sure you stop by & give her a look.

Oh, and I must mention, she is so talented & a true joy to work with that she was on the news just yesterday. If you would like to see the piece that her local news ran, you can view it here.

It's funny how things wind up with perfect timing. How things that seem to be totally unrelated end up being connected in some way. There's nothing like getting a new look & fresh start both on the inside & out.

Wordless Wednesday: 3:38 AM Peaceful Sleep

Saving vs. Savior

I used to have a Savior Complex. Yes, I said used to.

Not anymore.

I remember a time - not so long ago (probably less than a year, in fact) - when I tried to save people. I had been doing it all my life. It's all I knew & it's what I did.

Saving friends, family, & love ones from their destructiveness. Trying to save myself in the process. Giving one more chance to those who truly did not deserve it. Giving the benefit of the doubt, time & again. Choosing to see the good in everyone - no matter what.

So, What changed?

Everything.

People move on. Grow apart. Live life without you. Get sick. Cures aren't found. Friends are murdered. Love ones commit suicide. People die.

No matter how good of a friend I am - no matter how much time I spend with them, on the phone, in the hospital or where ever. No matter how much I sacrfice. No matter how much I love them. I cannot change things. I cannot save them.

Years ago, back in high school, I had several of my friends commit suicide in a VERY short period of time of one another. It started with a friend of mine, Quinn. I spent hours upon hours on the phone with him. In the end, he had the last word & with the sound of a gunshot, he was gone.

Twelve very short days later, my friend Bryan died the same way, only I wasn't on the phone at the time. And it didn't end with Byran, but neither did the lessons or the blessings. You heard me right, I said blessings.

Did you happen to notice my quote on this very blog? If not, here it is: "Some of the greatest gifts in life are birthed from tragedy."~Me. And it is so true.

Sometime after Quinn died, I, who had been extremely suicidal myself for more than a decade, decided that I could not do that to my friends & family. I could not leave them with a legacy of such unbearable, intense pain that only a suicide death causes, uniquely different from any other death. It took me time years to realize this, but I'm so glad I did. And, I must say, things change when you finally choose to stay alive.

When Bryan died, I started a new friendship with someone who is still one of my greatest friends, even though both of our lives are insanely busy & complex, causing us not to get together as often as we would prefer. A friend that I absolutely know - without a doubt - that I would not have had Byran lived. Who is she? His mom, Madeline.


{Madeline & Me, 7.25.2008}
I could go on & on about lessons & blessings, but won't. The important thing is that I started to learn then & I continue to learn now is this - it is not my job to save anyone. It never was. I'll say that again -

It is not my job to save anyone. It never was.

I know now what I never saw before. I did not realize that I am only human. I am not a savior & more importantly, I am not the Savior.

So yes, I cannot save you. I cannot rescue you. It is not up to me. I can only be your wife, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, & friend. That is in my capabilities.

As for saving, look around, He is always there.

Big Changes!

This post is a bunch of mix & match thoughts. A little of everything!

Remember Stellan? Well, he finally went to Boston for that ablation. And I'm overjoyed to report, that it went GREAT. Read about it here. He & his family could still use prayers during his recovery. Again, I am in awe at what God can do.

In other news, this blog is going to be going through changes of its own. I am super excited & can't wait to see what's in store. You'll just have to wait & see with me. {:)

Also, for the last couple of days, I've been rethinking somethings. To be honest, I'm not done thinking things through. There have been some big changes in my life & the way I see things, which I will share in the coming days.

Tonight, I'm going to Mandy's house to have dinner with her mom. I'm super excited to get to see Momma Dawne, but it's bitter sweet - oh how I wish I was seeing Mandy too. I just miss her so much!

Jake has been working SO HARD, with long hours it is crazy. Then, on top of that, he has been working over mom's to help out, & helping with Dad & stuff. It's difficult to find time to spend together. I'm so proud of him though. He really does love his job & is a very hard worker.

The weather here is crazy & ever changing. It's been beautiful weather the past couple of days, but cold at times. Coupled with the fact that thanks to daylight savings time, it gets dark SO early - you got a picture of Maryland weather. Changes in the weather are always crazy for me as it makes me have to mange my pain better. However, the beautiful colors in the leaves make up for it all.

Enough randomness for now. What's changes are you facing? Do tell, I'm listening.

The Journey

I recently wrote a friend & said, "I have learned that the great things in life that make the biggest impacts are not always easy nor or they simple. And I truly believe it is the journey that we go on along the way that makes us who we are."

True life, real life, is about how we live. You know - when we stop going through the motions, stop existing & start living. It's not an easy task, to live. It's much easier to just be alive, but that is not who we were meant to be. We were meant to be more.

We were created to feel, to be real with one another - open & honest, to trust, to love, to be human. Every one's journey is different - some more difficult than others. Who am I to say mine is more difficult than yours or vice versa?

Life - REAL life - is difficult. Lessons learned are hard. So realize as you are on your journey, I'm on my own too. And I hope that that you, too, no matter how difficult are living & not just alive.

Whole

Life is not easy.

It's not easy to grow; to embrace change; to challenge the lies in search for the truth; to heal.

But I must.

Must challenge it all; pick it a part til I see it for what it is - for real. Bring light to the darkness, no easy task.

A burning desire is within me - to be what I never could be before.