Dear Deanna: Loving Me Still

Me & Deanna, Camp Greentop, 2000

My Dearest Dee,

As always thank you for your warm thoughts & needed prayers.  I'm doing alright.  Some days are better than others, but even through this, I can still see how truly blessed I am.

Our Christmas was emotional but very blessed. More emotional on my part than Jake's, but he has his own process too. We were lucky to have these amazing friends to spend Christmas Eve with which made the holiday easier in so many ways.

We also spent Christmas with Mom & our cousin Bobby & it was so nice to get to spend such a great evening with them.  We may not have much family to spend time with, but we are grateful for that time we spend with them, blood or not.

And honestly, that is how a holiday should be spent, surrounded with friends & family that love us.

I can feel movement in my grief, even since we spoke.  In so many ways, I am so very grateful for that.  I cannot deny that there is a freedom in speaking things outloud & something happens when a truth, especially one that needs to be said, is spoken.

Trust me, I am grateful for every word spoken, tear shed, & prayer uttered, bc I know that deep down it is where I am & it leads to healing. I'm so very thankful for friends like you, who I can be open & honest with, who let me say what I need to say when I need to say it. The ones who let me be where I am, & love me regardless of circomstance. It is what a true friend is & that is what matters most.



Friends come and friends go,
but a true friend sticks by you like family.
~ Proverbs 18:24 (The Message)

I wish you were here, Dee. There is still so much I want to say. Yet, there are still somethings I can't find the words...  I just keep thinking how incredably blessed I am, & how much my head is a mess.

I miss you. I miss your hugs.  And I miss how you always knew what to say or what I needed.  I know you can't fix this. No one can. And that's okay. You just always made me feel better.  Thank you so much for being there for me.  Reaching back when I reach out. Loving me without condition.  Loving me... still.

Love & Light Always,

On Being Disabled: Just a Part of Me

I am so ecstatic! After spending almost 2 1/2 weeks in my manual chair, and being dependent on people more than I am accustomed to, I am FREE. Thank You, God! My power chair is up and running and it feels like a dream. The guy's name was Lou that showed up to fix it and he took 4 hours to do so. For whatever reason, it is always like that with this chair.

You just can't imagine what it's like unless you've been there. I try really hard not to complain, to take the hand that I've been dealt, to always see my glass as half full and not empty; to be nothing but positive. I have learned my world is a lot better and easier to handle, if I look on the bright side of things. Trust me, at times it is not easy to do and it is sometimes a struggle to do.

I haven't always been this way. As I've said before, this is what I have learned. When I had depression, it was difficult. Heck, if I saw anything besides darkness during the days of my depression, it was not only a good day, but a miracle. Seriously.

Although I've always had Cerebral Palsy (CP), I haven't always been in a chair. Sometimes (a lot actually), I truly miss walking like I used to, but by the same token, being in a power chair has given me a freedom I did not have before. For example, I am better able to carry things or take care of things, like my nieces and nephews. And eventually, although not yet, it will enable me to be a better mom. Also, cooking is easier and I can take the dog on a walk by myself. Simple things like that. And though I have always done things on my own, having a power chair takes my independence to another level entirely.

It bothers me when disabled people always use their disability as an excuse, constantly have pity parties, or complain. SUCK IT UP AND DEAL. Thea always says, "Life is tough, get a helmet." Gotta love her. I also have another friend, Bobby, who always said, "I have CP, CP doesn't have me." You see, some people let their disability define them. It becomes who they are. Me? I am - me. My disability is not who I am. It is one part of who I am. I am who God made me to be. He didn't make one part of me - He. Made. ALL. Of. Me.