You Love Me Anyway

Happy Birthday, Beautiful!

Mom & Me, Easter Sunday 1985

Dear Mom,

I can't imagine what your eyes have seen, your hands have done & all the places your feet have led you in your 70 years of existence. When I try to imagine it, it is overwhelming. Oh, & by the way - if I ever live to see 70, I hope that I age as gracefully as you. You are so beautiful.

Mom, 6.6.2010

I know that we don't pick our parents, or our children for that matter, but I must tell you that I am glad that you are my mom. I know that may seem strange for me to say given our history, but it's the truth. No, we haven't always gotten along, seen eye to eye, been easy to live with, but we always loved one another, even if it was hard to tell at times.

You were the best mom you knew how to be when you knew how to be it. I don't know if you have regrets about me or life in general, but I want to tell you that life is much fuller when you let go of those regrets.

You have taught me to be kind & loving to those I love. That by doing the little things that matter the most, people around me will know they are thought of more than they realize. You have taught me that education is important & no one take away my intelligence, no matter how much they may try.

Perhaps the most important thing I have learned is that perseverance & determination are the paths that lead greatness, because no matter what you faced over the years, you kept moving foward & did what you needed to make sure I had everything I ever needed.

It's funny what I see now that I was blinded to before. I guess that's God's gift to us - that, as we get older, we see our life & the people in it differently. If nothing else, know this is the truth & always will be - I love you more than words can express & I am so blessed to call you my mom.

Love Always,

Tears & Laughter

Last week, on my birthday, Stacey did a post on her blog on how we met & become best friends. So, I thought I would share it with you here.

It's never ceases to amaze me how she can always seem to make me cry & laugh in the same post. She does that often. I'm just grateful that I can call such an amazing person, my friend.

There's A First Time For Everything

I guest blogged last week for one of my favorite people in the world. Hop on over to Musing of a Mommie to hear what I had to say... Errr... In this case, say again.

What's A Girl to Do?

So, I'm a little behind. On everything.

My blog. My life.

I spent the week feeling not so well do to med changes. My computer been acting crazy - sluggish, timing out, not loading right - just about everything that drives me crazy then some.

This week I'm going to try & catch up the best that I can. I have some post to finish, some post that beg to be written, there are pictures that need to attended it to badly & my Mom's 70th birthday is Friday, & her party is Saturday.

So for the next few days or so I'm going do some re-directing. Stacey did a post I want to share & I did some guest blogging for her. Stay tuned for that...

Things seem a little crazy at the moment. Emotionally, I have a million thoughts & things going on. I tried to call Stacey the last couple of days to talk to her, but I couldn't get a hold of her. Thea was away for her birthday & Beth is on vacation. What does a girl do when she can't access some of her best friends?

Go crazy & drive others there with her.

I just got things weighing heavy on my heart lately. Stuff I'll get through, I know. I just wanna talk it out with someone. Never underestimate the power of a friendly ear & a best friend.

Saying Sundays: What Counts The Most

“And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.”

~~ Abraham Lincoln, 16th United States President,
who brought about the emancipation of the slaves,
1809-1865

A Girls Day Out

As I sit here, I'm waiting for Theresa to come pick me up so that we may spend the day together. I am be excited. As it always seems a pattern with us, we have many meaningful conversations & never really get to finish any of them. I hope to change that today.

However, there is no real agenda for today, other then spending time together & catching up.

I was supposed go to her house & spend a night last night, but her air condition is on the fritz & won't be fixed until. the middle of next week. And here in Maryland, we have been having some incredibly hot days. Yesterday, it was 91 degrees at 11:30 at night. It was incredibly muggy too.

Theresa had a rough night. It was still 83 degrees in her house at 3 AM. So there is a late start today, but I don't care. It's not how much time you spend with someone, but rather the quality of the time that matters the most.

July 23, 2010

Today, is my 34th birthday... I really wish I had time to post the post I've been working on & do a post as I want to today, but as always, life has other plans.

My best friend Stacey wrote this about me today on her blog. It made me laugh, & cry, & then I was frustrated bc it would not let me leave a comment. {:( I love her very much & am so lucky to have her in my life.

Grab someone you love & care about & tell them how much they mean to you. Me? I'm very blessed & I hope you feel blessed today too.

Stream of Consciousness: Almost 2 AM (Part 2)

How ironic it is that I am writing this post at about the same time that I wrote the first one - completely unplanned - I assure you.

So, as luck would have it (or maybe it wasn't luck after all), I really like my new doctor. She is very nice, understanding & patient, all things I was concerned about. And she is super supportive of me TTC, or doing whatever I feel comfortable with at the given time. In others words, what I want to do is up to me.

There are a few medical concerns though, but nothing that has to do with my Cerebral Palsy. And though I choose not to go into specifics at this time as to what they are, lets just say they are things that I'm not only aware of, but concerned with too. And there is no reason that as long as these concerns are managed, I wouldn't have a completely healthy pregnancy when the time comes.

However, she did mention my weight & suggested that I may consider gastric bypass considering my medical history & my lack of mobility. She made sure to tell me she's not a fan of suggesting it to her patients at all either.

I'm not quite sure what I think about her saying that in general, but it was clear it was only said as something to consider for the future & that it was not said out of any other context but a caring concern. I'm so not a fan of that either & I would never even consider that at all. So there is differences in opinion there.

She also gave me a referral to preconceptual counseling again, since it has been many years that I went for the same thing before, but she made sure to let me know that it was completely up to me if I wanted to go again.

I was glad given the circumstances of the day: new doctor, lots of pain due to the rain, nerves, & a cold room (which doesn't do well for my CP, as it causes me to be more spastic & have less of a range of motion), my appointment went as well as it did.

Reflecting on the visit I was pleased that it went the way it did, knowing that it could have went many other ways. Who wouldn't love a doctor whose patient, explains things, answers questions, & last advice for us in TTC is "Have fun trying."

Stream of Consciousness: Almost 2 AM

It's late at night - or early in the morning rather - & I cannot sleep. As I write this, I hear the pitter-patter of rain on my air conditioner. It's pouring outside. Ironically though as much as we need the rain, I do not care for the pain it tends to bring with it for me.

I also have so many thoughts in my head & history has proven that - mixed with the late hour - this is not a good thing for me. In just a couple hours, I will go see a new doctor. And it's a GYN on top off that, so I am anxiety ridden.

A million questions swim in my head. Has she ever had a patient with Cerebral Palsy before? Is she patient & understanding? Will she listen to me & my concerns? Will she dismiss me? Will she be understanding if I don't get in the right position the first time (or the tenth) for her to examine me? Will she mention my weight?

{It's not like I don't know I'm fat. I get it. Believe it or not, I actually have a mirror or two around the house. I always find it so ironic how people feel the need to state the obvious like they are doing me a favor by mentioning my weight, like they are cluing me in on some deeply kept secret or something. Just sayin'.}

Perhaps the biggest worry is will she be supportive of me trying to conceive? I'm stressed enough without this worry. I just don't think any one's opinions on what they think is good for me really is going to matter, at least it shouldn't anyway. So, I really hope this appointment goes well, I like her, she's encouraging & supportive. That would just be peachy.

Then to top it off, Jake does not know where he put the papers that I'm supposed to fill out each year, so unless I find them, I will have to fill them out at the office, which I always hate doing considering it is a stack of papers & they have been less accommodating in the past, as clip boards don't really ever seem to do the trick for me. Oh well. Life goes on.

I also have other things going through my head, but I think I will keep those thoughts to myself for now. I'm not sure I have the time or energy to write about it yet, as I'm just so exhausted. Literally.

Well, it seems that the rain outside has turned to hail, even though it is the middle of July almost. At least it sounds that way. We are really having a storm here. I can't even hear Jake snoring from across the room anymore. Secretly, I wonder if I will be able to quiet my mind & body enough to join him.

Saying Sundays: Limitations

"I seldom think about my limitations, and they never make me sad. Perhaps there is just a touch of yearning at times; but it is vague, like a breeze among flowers."

~ Helen Keller

Pearls of Wisdom

"A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl."

~~ Stephan Hoeller

(1931 - )

Writer, Scholar and Religious Leader

Dearest Theresa,

It's funny how friends pick up on littlest things. And I think it is ironic how we choose through our friendship, by the way we have designed it, to lift each other up, bc trust me when I say - not all friends do that.

I know you say that I have been a great friend to you, but you, Theresa, have been such a great friend to me as well. Never forget that.

For whatever reason, I'm struggling right now. I can't really tell you what I'm going through, partly bc it's hard to put into words & partly bc I don't want to put it into words, but know this... God has brought me to this wonderful place for His Glory. If you know me, & at this point I would say you have a good idea who I am, then you know that I don't witness very well... At least I don't think I do.

But nevertheless, I do witness in my own way bc for whatever reason, God has brought me through some pretty horrible unspeakable things - some things that no one knows to this day. And it is only through His love, His grace & His mercy that I am where I am. And not only where I am, but who I am.

So you may say that I, in a sense, have gained many pearls of wisdom along the way. Well, I don't know about wisdom, but I do know that I earned every one of those pearls.

I love you too.

Always Blessed,

TTC: Giving It to Him

Dear God,

I have had enough. So, I'm turning it all over to You & You alone. I can see things falling into place, but I know You see the the entire picture & this glorious plan You have chosen for me. You are what I am not... All seeing & knowing. I trust You, & only You.

It is just not up to me when I have a family or what family I have, just as I didn't chose what family I was born into. To others, they are not perfect, but they are the perfect family for me. You chose them for me, just as You will will chose me for someone I have not yet met. Someone already chosen. Chosen by You.

I am truly given this over to You. Every bit of it. For whatever reason, what I'm doing has not worked. I will no longer stress over things out of my control. At least not about this. You have a reason for it all, & that truly is enough for me.

So here I am, pondering this journey I have found myself on & this little thing called hope. Realizing that I would be nothing without You & Your unconditional love for me. I can't tell You why I know the things I do or I'm certain that everything will be okay, I just know it will be. I guess it's bc I know You.

I love You & I want to thank You for the mercy & grace You have chosen to bestow upon me. Thank You. Thank You for it all.

Forever Yours,

Blog Hop: Hope Floats

{This Blog Hop was started by Joanna @ Raising Madison. So hop on by & see what all the fuss is about.}

"Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it's what's in the middle that counts. So, when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will."

~~ Birdee Pruitt (Sandra Bullock)

in the movie, Hope Floats

Sometimes I think of hope as what remains when there is nothing left.

Over the years, just as my faith has changed, so have my hopes & dreams. Gone are the days that I hope I matter to someone. Now, I know I do.

Gone are the times that I hope there was more than being lost in despair. Now, I'm happy, full of light & life.

Gone are the days when I hoped I was loved, Now, I know, without doubt, I am loved... So much, & by so many , it is beyond words.

I still have many hopes today, just like I did back then. I hope one day, God will chose to bless me with a child that I can call my own, but in some strange way, as if I can see the future, I know He will.

I hope that my family & friends know just how much I love & care for them, even if time, distance or words fail me. I will forever be blessed by the people who are in my life & who have been in my life in the past.

And I hope that as life goes on, I will never take one single thing for granted - not one kind word or a hug from a friend bc in the end, those are the things that matter the most. And in some strange way that defies explanation, it is in those small moments - when we need it the most - that hope floats up.

TTC: And the Truth Will Set Me Free

The say the truth will set a person free. So, here it goes. In April of 2007, Jacob & I decided to start a family or try to at least. So for over the past 3 years we have been trying to conceive.

Ever since I can remember, I've wanted to be a Mom. And for just about as long, time & time again, people have been telling me what a great mom I would be. Well, I don't know about that. What I do know is that I would love being a mom & Jake would love being a dad. In fact, he is so ready to be a dad.

We didn't start out by telling everyone on the planet. And certainly I would have never dreamed of telling in on my very public blog. See, not everyone has been supportive. And I just don't care to deal with naysayers.

Cerebral Palsy is not genetic. I cannot pass it on to my child. Sure, there is always a chance of it occurring, but there is no more of a chance of it occurring with my child than it is with yours. And as for being in a wheelchair, I can do everything that it takes to raise a child that you can do out of one just in a different way.

I have dealt with family, friends, & doctors that have not been supportive, but the bottom line is no one can give me any legitimate reason not to have a child. I even went for preconceptional counseling in 2005 & after some medication adjustments & such, no one could not see any reason why I shouldn't be given the opportunity to be a mom.

And really, it's not up to any one else anyway. Just Jacob & I. But the truth is - I am tired. Month after month being filled with disappointment as either my period shows up or there is a Big Fat Negative (BFN) staring back at me. And it's just amazing how those months pile up & turn into years.

And if you know me, you know that I truly believe with all of my being that there is a time & place for everything, neither of which I really have any say in. Even though that is still true & I still whole-heartedly believe that - does not mean that I don't get disappointed or discouraged.

I do. I am human.

So there it is. It's out there. On my very public blog. Strangely, this is more freeing than I thought it would be. This is always how the truth should feel.

God Bless The USA

Happy Fouth of July, Everyone! Please have a fun & safe Holiday!