Wordless Wednesday: Quiet Moments

Jake & Corrie, 4.11.2010

Burned Out

As I listen to my keystrokes on my keyboard, I think of how much I yearn to return back to writing. I despise the fact, that life & my grief effect me in ways of isolation at times. That often when I need it the most, I don't write. How ironic.

There is so much to say, so much to catch up on, but where do I begin? In the past couple of weeks, I must confess that there are several post that I started & was unable to finish. As of now, I don't know if they will ever be finished or if they will ever be seen by anyone, but me.

They do not contain secrets. There isn't anything that I'm avoiding. It's just been difficult to get my thoughts together. I so need to clear my head. Seriously. Sometimes, I need to get away. Not deal with people. Be by myself. Something, that is difficult to do around here. And definably difficult to do when you have to rely on others.

Sometimes, I wish things were different. That they were back like they used to be, when I wasn't in a wheelchair full time, & it was just plain easier to do things. Something needs to change.

All I really want to do is spend some one-on-one time with my family & friends - hands down those who I love the most. But I want it to be quality time. True authentic time together. Not so one sided. Nothing where I have to think to hard. If I have to do that, then it really isn't that great for me. I need a little give than I do take.

I have problems too. I can't always hear others. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that sometimes, I wish I could be open & honest with where I am, & how I feel. Mostly, the majority of people lately, end up unloading everything & me not getting a word in otherwise.

I am done. I am not only burned out, I'm on fire. I just wish others could see the flames from where they stand.

Changing Me

The days of this week are running together.

I want tomorrow to come & go away just like any ordinary day. And it not be the day Mandy died a year ago, but the day that she gained her wings & flew to Heaven. A day to remember her life, not her death.

I'm so tired of everything. I am exhausted. My patience is wearing thin. With everyone & everything. Funny, how grief will do that. Change everything around you, change you. Even when we don't want it too.

Love Never Dies

Dear Theresa,

I am not going say I understand. I have never lost a parent, just people that have meant the world to me. She fought a good battle these past few weeks. And I don't even know her, but she must have been an great person, bc you are phenomenal person yourself.

Sometimes, it is so hard to understand God's timing & plan.

Love never dies. It lives on, through you & the people whom you love, & just keeps effecting others in ways that we are not even aware. I wish I had the words to make the pain go away, but words like that do not exist.

Your so far away & I wish you were closer. I just want to give you a big, humongous hug. It won't make things better, but hopefully it will help just a little. You are incredably strong. It is who you are - who you've always been. I want you to know that you don't have to be strong all the time. No one expects you too. I have faith in you that you will let me know what you need from me & when you need it.

I am always here.

Love you.

Embracing Grief

I don't even know what to say, besides these days ahead are going to be tough. Jake & I are fine again, like I said, we don't fight often or stay mad for long. Good thing too... don't know how I would be able to face the upcoming days without him.

I am exhausted, having entered the automatic mode - surviving the only way I know how. Truthfully, part of me wants to skip this week all together. Then part of me wants to embrace my grief with full force. I think the ladder will win out.

I've been through this so many times with other loved ones, you would think grieving would be a breeze. I am here to tell you there is nothing easy about this.

I feel bad in some way that I haven't blogged much. Not even a Wordless Wednesday or a Saying Sunday. It's just that I've been finding it hard to get my thoughts together lately. And it's difficult to write when I'm having a hard time making sense of this & that.

There are so many cool things to blog about too. Post that will stay unwritten only for the simple fact that I feel that they should have their own time - or spotlight I guess you say - without being shadowed by something else.

Rest assured, I will make it through this. Mandy's one year anniversary of her death will have come & gone by the weekend. I will still rejoyce that she is in Heaven, but still miss her here.

Knowing that one never truly gets over a loss, but through it, I will do what I do best - taking it day by day, one step at a time. All the while giving thanks to a Father who aloud such a beautiful soul to be a part of my life for nearly 20 years.

Blogging Boldly: About Last Night

Dear Jacob,

I hate it when we fight. It is like something is not right in the universe. I hate the distance it puts between us. Especially when things have been going so great with us like it has recently. We don't fight often, but when we do it can get nasty. The good thing though is we don't stay mad for long.

Last night, we both said things we didn't mean. And acted in ways that was unbecoming of both of us. In reality, we both should treat each other a little nicer. I just get so irritated that I can asks for something to be done & it won't be done for months, yet your dad can ask you to do the same task for him & you make it a priority to do it for him, without a second thought.

I know you father says he has to wait for you to do things for him too, but it's not the same. Only days compared to my months. I guess I'm just wondering when your going to make me & our family a priority.

I know your frustrated & exhausted. I am too. You say I don't listen, yet I listen to every word. On the other hand, I'm not a mind reader. I don't know your thoughts unless you tell me them. And you shouldn't expect me to know things you haven't told me.

I am not prefect, by any means. And God knows I am not the prefect wife. If you asked me, I wouldn't even be able to tell you what a perfect one would look like. I just know it is not me. Likewise, I'm in no way asking you to be perfect either. Just better. I know I can do better too. We both can do better.

So, for what it's worth, I'm sorry.

Love you. Always.

For Now

It is rainy & dreary. Although there is much to share, I am too tired to do a blog post. It's one of those just let me crawl back in bed, pull the covers over me & shut out the world days, which is not a bad idea since I had such a bad night of unrestful sleep.

There are many things to catch you up on: T-Ball, Fencing, Mandy & Momma Dawne, Theresa & her mom, spending time with love ones, Jake & I spending time with each other... Daily life things.

All of which will remain unblogged. At least for now. My warm inviting bed is calling & I need to rest. Oh, how I need to rest.

Saying Sundays: Grief

"It's so curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses."

~ Sidonie Gabrielle Colette,

French Writer

(1873-1954)

By His Grace

When I was at Beth's house for Easter, she asked me something that caught me off guard. Actually, she asked me two things that caught me off guard, but one question I've been thinking about more than the other. And the other will have to wait for another time & another post.

Catching me off guard is difficult to do. Every once in a while it happens though. It was innocent enough. Sitting on her couch talking about life. She was right - I've been through so much, more than most can imagine, more than she will ever truly know.

Her question? Simple. How can I have gone through so much & be like I am. The answer itself is just as simple. "By the grace of God go I." Without a pause, without nearly a second thought, those simple words said so much.

The truth is I've asked that same question myself, many, many times. I'm not an alcoholic. I'm not on drugs. I'm not in a mental institution. I'm not laying in a bed somewhere curled up in a fetal position mindlessly rocking back & forth. I'm not dead, by neither my hand nor someone else's. Though given what I've been through, any one of those options would be understandable.

God's grace, His mercy & His love for me is the only answer that makes sense - not that it has to make sense at all. I was watching this show recently that airs on the USA Network called In Plain Sight. I would like to share a quote from a recent episode.

"We forget sometimes how much the world can hurt. It can hurt people we love. People we don't. People caught in the middle. Even people who'd give anything if they would never, ever, get hurt again, but sometimes the hurt can't be avoided.

It's just coming at us & can't be stopped. It's in us and can't be seen. Or its lying next to us in the dark... waiting, but sometimes it doesn't come at all.

Sometimes we get this other thing that just flutters down out of nowhere that stays just long enough to give us hope. Sometimes, rarely, barely, but just when we need it the most & expect it the least, we get a break."

To me, that's what God's grace is... something that flutters down when I least expect it. God's mercy, on the other hand, gives me the much needed breaks in life, time & time again. I've been lucky enough that He has chosen to show me both His grace & His mercy countless of times, probably more often than I am even aware.

I am broken. Damaged. I don't deny it. I would be nothing without Him. Nothing. Without Him, I would, indeed, not be here. At the very least - if not dead - I would not be who I am. Every single event that has happened in my life - both good & bad - has made me who I am.

Not for a single second do I believe that God causes bad things to happen in my life. Or anyone else's for that matter. Although in confession, I have not always believed this. In years passed, I used to believe that if God was in control then He must have wanted {insert bad thing here} to happen. Which lead to destructive behavior & fueled years of anger. What I know now is so vastly different.

Two words: free will. It is our God given right to chose. God will not violate my will. And just as he will not violate my will, He won't violate the will of others either. This means that when bad things have happened to me that are caused by other people's actions, God didn't cause it. He didn't want this for me. He didn't allow it to happen bc I did something wrong & was being punished. It all comes back to free will - everyone's God given right.

I have also learned that God uses everything for His good. That everything in life is a blessing & a lesson - no matter if it is good or bad. I wrote about lessons & blessings what seems like forever ago, in this post last November. In short, bc of the lessons that I have learned & the ways God has blessed me through tragedy, I would not change a thing about my past.

Looking back, it is in these difficult times of struggle that I was not alone. If I had been, who knows what would happen. He was there. He made sure that I have had amazing people to support me. Some may say it bc I am strong. It's not. It is bc of His love for me & the mercy & grace He bestows upon me. So, yes, in deed, by the grace of God go I.

Wordless Wednesday: Little Lambs

{Easter at our church, 4.4.10}

The Beauty of Easter

Now that I've reached the point in time where my friend Mandy was hospitalized last year & passed away nearly a month later, I've just been taking it day by day. Some days are better than others.

I will not lie. I was not looking forward to this Easter. Not in the least. It is sad that I can not remember last Easter. I vaguely recall taking pictures of my brother-in-law's family in front of the magnolia tree in the front yard.

I don't even think we went to church. If we did I cannot remember. All that I can remember is thinking, "I hope this is not Mandy's last Easter. I hope I have more time with her. Please God, don't take away my best friend. Please don't take away another one." Weeks later she was gone. And a piece of my soul went with her.

Traditionally, mom & I have spent more Easters apart in the passing years than not. Mostly bc she has chosen to spend it with friends who don't have the greatest houses to get into with a power chair. Sometimes it really sucks to not be as mobile as I have been in the past.

As a result, the last couple of years we got to spend Easter with friends & their families. Creating moments & memories that I wouldn't trade for the world. They are priceless.

With Mandy being gone almost a year now, I've been feeling out of sorts, kind of lost. Not really sad as much as people would wrongly assume, but more just trying to work through my grief the best way I know how - by embracing it & taking one day at a time... like I said some days are better than others.

Easter rolled around this time & we really didn't have a place to go, which only mirrored how disconnected & displaced I have been feeling lately. When my friend, Beth, found out we didn't have plans, she invited us to to spend the day with her & her husband Will & their families.

{Me & Beth 3.7.2010}

I must tell about them. They are absolutely two of the most amazing people God allowed to cross my path or is it me who crossed their path? Either way...it is not hard to understand why they are who they are once you meet their families.

I still do not know what I have done to deserve such an friend that have found in Beth. Both her & Will are the most genuine, loving, passionate, real, down-to-earth, funny, creative, faith-rooted, God loving, hard working, caring & compassionate people you will ever have the privilege to meet... if you ever do.

{Will & Jake, 3.7.2010}

They have the most incredible property and beautiful house. All of which was made with love, hard work, blood, sweat & tears, since they bought their house in 2003 in "as is" condition intent on fixing up to sell it so that they can build their dream house on another lot within the 11 acre property. After awhile of putting so many hours in on the house, they decided to stay right there.

I assured Beth that even though her house was a split level & filled with many steps that somehow we would make it work, using the old phrase, "Where there is a will, there is a way."I came armed with a power chair, a manual chair, two ramps & even a set of quad canes. I assured her that everything would be fine & I was sure that God would would work everything out. And even though I had know idea how it was going to work, I knew it would.

Turns out, Easter day was beautiful. Absolutely breathtaking. After this incredibly moving, tear jerking open prayer to God, to which I did nothing but think of Mandy as big, humongous, tears ran down my cheeks spilling over & over again - much like they are now as I type this - we all ate outside. The food tasted great & Beth's thoughtfulness & creatively was all around us. Can't you tell by the Little Butter Lamb?

And as luck would have it - although I don't believe it was luck at all - my power chair just fit through her side door to her bottom level giving me access to it & a bathroom {:) Seriously. As the night wore on & the other company left, Beth & I chatted as we sat on the sofa as our men did dishes upstairs & chatted themselves. After Will went to bed, Jake came down stairs & eventually fell asleep, but Beth and I chatted on the sofa til 2 AM.

I must tell you - it has been quite a while, years even, since I felt so welcomed at someone's house. Throughout the day, I continually felt so unconditionally loved & supported, regardless of who I was, how I felt, or what I've been though.

Tears flow as I'm writing this... God is amazing. He makes sure we have what we need when we need it, just as He did when He made sure I was surrounded by the perfect people. I know, without a doubt, Mandy's in Heaven, no longer confined to a broken body with limitations. I miss her so much at times that I physically want to scream out in pain. But I know that bc she believed in Him, I will see her again. That is the beauty of sacrifice & Easter.

Reflections of Lent

Avoidance.

We all do it. Some more than others. So when Lent rolled around & I gave it up.

So for 40 days, I did things I didn't want to do. Had conversations, wrote e-mails, completed task, got things in order I had be putting off.

Truth be told, I never expected it to be so damn difficult. And often found my myself asking "What the hell was I thinking?" Any change or, to be more exact, growth is difficult. At least it should be.

We are human. Flawed & beautiful. And our actions & reactions matter.

I will not lie. There are times when I wished that I could just forget about Lent & go on avoiding. It is so much easier to do that. More convenient. Less painful.

I had conversations with people that were difficult. Some didn't end well. And relationships were forever altered - both in good ways & not so good ways. At the very least, I know I stayed true to not only my word, but who I am.

I cannot say that I don't have regrets about the past weeks. I do. I regret not trusting myself enough to listen to my inner instincts. I now know that some things are better left unsaid. That sometimes that raw intense in-the-pit-of-my-stomach feeling means something.

But (yes, there is always a but) I do not regret what I know now bc of not listening to such a feeling. I now know that some people aren't who they say they are (a lesson that I have ever-so-painfully learned before & somehow keep forgetting).

That sometimes words are just words. And even though the intention behind it may be good, actions may not follow. And there are some who, believe it or not, just do not truly mean what they say.

I have also learned that sometimes you may find a friend (or two) in that person who you never got a chance to really know, even after years of sitting in front of them every Sunday. That some friends who love you do so unconditionally.

That even when I feel displaced, I not only have a place to be, but I'm right where I need to be. And, even more importantly, that even though I may feel disconnected, I am still very much connected & sometimes, just sometimes, those connections are deeper than I ever knew.

Just think... all of that bc I decided that it was time to stop avoiding life & just let it happen.

My Redeemer

Happy Easter to you & those you love. Hold your love ones near & cherish them. I wonder what Easter is like in heaven? {:)

Stream of Consciousness: Forever Altered

It's late & I can't sleep. There has been so much on my mind, it's been difficult for me to sort out. Things have been great here. The weather is beautiful & Spring has sprung. Jake & I for the most part have been getting along. Gosh, I am so in love with him. Every time we kiss, I still lose my breath. Everyone should have love like that. Everyone.

I have been thinking about Mandy a lot. We have reached the point, as of March 30th, that she was admitted to the hospital. Remember this post? Yup. It's been a year already. And I know that the very next post I wrote after that one was written eight days after her death. If you would like to read it, you can do so here. If not, that's okay too. The whole month of April 2009 is MIA. Not one keystroke, not one uttered word - at least not on here.

I am forever changed, still unable to speak words for things I witnessed & even how I felt. It has been years - decades even since a friend's death has effected me like Mandy's has. I am not the same person I was then. No where near that person. I am forever altered.

My brother, Lea's, birthday is tomorrow. I have been going though my pictures on the computer looking for a specific one I want to post. I just can't go through anymore. It's too hard. I have thousands of pictures on my hard drive. And there are a lot of people who aren't in my life now - for whatever reason. So, I've decided to abandon my search for now. I'll still blog a post for him, but a picture may not accompany it. Oh, well... Life rolls on.

Speaking of life, my friend Janie, buried her mom last Monday. I didn't go to the funeral, but Jake & I did go to the later viewing, after attempting to go to the earlier one & then getting lost for a hour & a half. Not our best moments, for neither Jake or myself when that happens. We must work on that. Or at least I should. That's the best thing that came from us having a GPS - if lost or misdirected - it will put you on the right track. Too bad our GPS was stolen.

Anyway, this viewing for Janie's mom was incredible. Unlike any I have attended before. They took an hour or so of it & talked & shared about her mom. I have never seen that before, at least not at a viewing. Janie is so amazing. A genuine person who is doesn't know how to be anything but real. I can so appreciate that. I'm not sure if this is a new thing for her or she's always been that way. I just know that her sisters are just as amazing & that in itself tells you just what a person her mom was.

Easter is days away. I'm spending it with my friend Beth & her family. Years past, I've spent it with many loved ones, but I find it ironic that I feel so displaced this year. I have never been to Beth's house. And I have seen pictures of the steps. All I know is I don't know how, but I will make it work. Honestly, I don't know what I would do without Beth. She is what true friends are made of.

It is really late. And I'm tired. I hate post like these, but I do them often. I think it helps me sleep. At least blogging seems to allow me to settle after a bit. I just think tired post are so revealing. Without question, my guard is down... which may not be a bad thing after all.

Good night, sweet dreams.