Thursday, April 1, 2010

Stream of Consciousness: Forever Altered

It's late & I can't sleep. There has been so much on my mind, it's been difficult for me to sort out. Things have been great here. The weather is beautiful & Spring has sprung. Jake & I for the most part have been getting along. Gosh, I am so in love with him. Every time we kiss, I still lose my breath. Everyone should have love like that. Everyone.

I have been thinking about Mandy a lot. We have reached the point, as of March 30th, that she was admitted to the hospital. Remember this post? Yup. It's been a year already. And I know that the very next post I wrote after that one was written eight days after her death. If you would like to read it, you can do so here. If not, that's okay too. The whole month of April 2009 is MIA. Not one keystroke, not one uttered word - at least not on here.

I am forever changed, still unable to speak words for things I witnessed & even how I felt. It has been years - decades even since a friend's death has effected me like Mandy's has. I am not the same person I was then. No where near that person. I am forever altered.

My brother, Lea's, birthday is tomorrow. I have been going though my pictures on the computer looking for a specific one I want to post. I just can't go through anymore. It's too hard. I have thousands of pictures on my hard drive. And there are a lot of people who aren't in my life now - for whatever reason. So, I've decided to abandon my search for now. I'll still blog a post for him, but a picture may not accompany it. Oh, well... Life rolls on.

Speaking of life, my friend Janie, buried her mom last Monday. I didn't go to the funeral, but Jake & I did go to the later viewing, after attempting to go to the earlier one & then getting lost for a hour & a half. Not our best moments, for neither Jake or myself when that happens. We must work on that. Or at least I should. That's the best thing that came from us having a GPS - if lost or misdirected - it will put you on the right track. Too bad our GPS was stolen.

Anyway, this viewing for Janie's mom was incredible. Unlike any I have attended before. They took an hour or so of it & talked & shared about her mom. I have never seen that before, at least not at a viewing. Janie is so amazing. A genuine person who is doesn't know how to be anything but real. I can so appreciate that. I'm not sure if this is a new thing for her or she's always been that way. I just know that her sisters are just as amazing & that in itself tells you just what a person her mom was.

Easter is days away. I'm spending it with my friend Beth & her family. Years past, I've spent it with many loved ones, but I find it ironic that I feel so displaced this year. I have never been to Beth's house. And I have seen pictures of the steps. All I know is I don't know how, but I will make it work. Honestly, I don't know what I would do without Beth. She is what true friends are made of.

It is really late. And I'm tired. I hate post like these, but I do them often. I think it helps me sleep. At least blogging seems to allow me to settle after a bit. I just think tired post are so revealing. Without question, my guard is down... which may not be a bad thing after all.

Good night, sweet dreams.
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