Hope Is The Thing With Feathers

"Hope” is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the Gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chilliest land
And on the strangest Sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

~ Emily Dickinson (1830 - 1886)
In this season of life that I find myself in, I am learning a lot about hope.  What it feels like to live without it, & what it feels like to have it.

Sometimes, even in the darkest of times, I thank God that I have hope that things will get better, even if that hope is very small at times.  Sometimes, in the moments when it is small, I like to think it is like a smoldering fire - still there, not completely gone.

Waiting.  Waiting for oxygen. Waiting to come alive again.

I miss when life used to be simple.  When best friends & parents didn't die. When friends were still in your life, regardless of the circumstances. When starting a family seemed not only obtainable, but realistic.

I do not know how I got out of  blogging, something I have always loved.  Or why I shied away from sharing my heart openly, something I so desperately want to do.  All I know is my life is different now.

And everything fell apart. And I lost me. I stopped everything I enjoyed so that I could survive. Clinging to my faith & clinging to hope where I found it.



I do not know what's in the future for me.  All I know is what I have been through & where I have been.  And right now, I hold out for hope. And I pray that it remains alive & perched within my soul.

Reflections of Christmas 2011

For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on His shoulders.
And He will be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. ~ Isaiah 9:6 (NIV) 
Every once in a while, something will happen that is extraordinary, even among the ordinary moments.

This Christmas we were extraordinarily blessed. We were blessed in many ways, & many of those ways were not tangible. And sometimes, the greatest gifts in life cannot be held.

Meaning has not been lost on me that a tiny child was sent to earth so that I can be saved, & live forever.  Likewise, I realize that God, the same God who loves us enough to give us His one & only son, is a Loving Father, who has shown me His mercy & His grace in the simplest of ways.

There is something about where I am in life, that makes me want to see & appreciate the little simple things in life.  And deep down, I'm so very thankful for the smallest of things.

Whether it is a friend holding my hand through a grief service, or another amazingly dear friend doing the same during a Christmas Eve service. Sometimes, when things are difficult, all I really want - all I really need - is a loving hand to hold, bc sometimes it is all anyone can do.

I am still searching for normal. Unsure if I will ever find it again.  And bc I have no other choice, that will have to be okay.  I have to create my normal again, whatever that may look like.  It is up to me.

I am blessed that I have friends & family who love me,  who love & care for not only me but us. I am lucky that I have a husband who loves me.  And would literally do anything for me. Do you know what a blessing that is?




Me & Jake, Very Early Christmas Morning, 2011

This Christmas, I tried to stay focus on the little things, so it wouldn't make the big things, or the people I'm missing, or the one's for whom I am grieving, hurt so much. I've tried hard to honor where I am. To feel what I need to feel, rather than to deny it.

And I am glad to apreciate the smallest of things, noticing the extrordinary, amoung the ordinary.

Happy Birthday, Jesus (2011)

In a moment of peaceful reflection last night, I heard this song for the first time. Given my season of life I am in, this song & it's meaning(s) & impact are not lost on me.  May we all feel the Breath of Heaven & be filled with an undeniable peace now & always.



Please have a very Merry Christmas & a blessed New Year.

Fall Into Place

I often wonder just how I'm going to get through this holiday. Then, I realize it's only a couple more days away.

The trees is up, but not trimmed. Someone can't find the legs that he brought down from upstairs. So it sits with just the pre-strung lights on it. Not all the Christmas shopping is done... And I seriously doubt it will get done at this point. 

Although we have never really sent out Christmas cards before, I attempted today. Only able to get some of them out. The rest will be late.  That is just how it is, people will just have to understand.

We are just overwhelmed.  I am overwhelmed.

I keep thinking, praying even, that things will come together.  They are & they're not.  Times tickin' on, whether I want it to or not.  This is so more than just Jake still not finding a job, or me still not having health insurence...

I keep waiting... waiting for things to feel like Christmas.  Then I realize, the feeling that I'm waiting for, the feeling that I want, just isn't going to come.

I'm waiting for it to feel normal again.  And normal, as I knew it, just doesn't exist anymore.  I'm longing for something that isn't there -- not anymore.

I miss my dad.  I miss other people, & "other things."  Secretly, I wonder if  there will ever come a time where I'm able to openly speak about what those "other things" are.  I wonder about whether they will ever be written about on here.

If I'm to be truthful, I miss blogging my thoughts & feelings on here -- remember it has always been for my benefit, but to say that I guard my heart more & share it less is an understatement.

I have best friends that I've known for over 20 years that don't know my heart.  I keep waiting for the words to come, & it's annoying & frustrating when they don't, but experience tells me not to force the words or the timing.

So I wait. For things to fall into place.  Or fall apart. One or the other. Or both.

It's funny how I'm waiting for things to come together & fall apart at the same time.  That's my life I guess... what it has become.

I've been in the midst of one of the toughest seasons I've lived through. Somehow, I'm making it through. 

I have to say, that through it all -- I have gotten by with a little (sometimes A LOT) of help from my family & friends.  Even if they didn't even realize it.

It's all in that encouraging word, that warm hug, that gentle nudge in the right direction, the being there without being asked... 

And I know that one day the words will come -- to more people, as I process more, embrace fully.  As life & time ticks on.  I know there's a true freedom that exsits in saying what needs to be achknownleged -- spoken outloud, but I must trust myself & have faith. 

I have faith the words will come, I have faith that the right job for our family will happen, I have faith that my health insurence will be reinstated.

Yes, I will walk by faith -- even when I cannot see.  Bc I'm just a girl who dreams big, wishes for normal, prays a lot & knows that one day things will fall into place when they are meant to do so.

Catching Up

I can't believe it has been so long since I've have blogged! It has been forever... or at least it feels like forever. It's hard to believe that my computer has been broken for so long. Now, thanks to my mom & an early Christmas present, I'm connected again. Hopefully, I will be blogging more regularly now, if not for any one's sake but my own.

I feel like in the time that has passed a lot has changed.  I also feel that, in a lot of ways, things are the same.  I supposed that is bc both are true in their own way.

Though he is still without a job, Jake & I are well.  Although it is frustrating at times, we are lucky that we have a good support system, from family & friends that have been really supportive in various ways. I remain amazed at how God provides what we need when we need it, even if it's just an encouraging word when we needed the most.

I am forever thankful for the people in our lives & I am forever thankful for what God is doing in our lives.  I may not like everything that happens to us, but I no there is a reason for it all.

I am very hopeful that, although it is not without its challenges, we are where we are meant to be. And at least we are there together.

Good & Beautiful God

For about a year now, actually exactly a little over a year ago (September 19, 2010), I started attending a different church (GFC) from the one (CRCC) that Jake & I have grown to care & love for since 2003. For almost the whole year now, we have been double attending both churches, attending GFC on their Saturday evening services & attending CRCC on Sunday mornings. Both churches are far away from where we live, just in opposite directions, but GFC is closer & easier for us to get to, making it easier for us to be involved in.
After dad died, I needed a change. At the time, CRCC was talking about serving & Genesis. And honestly, my head, at the time,just wasn't at serving or weeks later, at "the beginning". I was numb, in shock, at "the end" of the dad's life, in the deep darkness of the beginning of grief.

Now, at CRCC, we have deep loving relationships. Very supportive & loving relationships, but at the time, I needed so, oh so, much more. I was tired. I was exhausted physically emotionally & mentally. I was tired of feeling loved & cared for & getting all this support on Sunday, but nothing during the middle of the week. Don't get me wrong... I had friends & a very brave few stood by me through it all, but I needed more.

So with nervousness & a somewhat heavy heart, we ventured to GFC for the first time. And even though I truly felt like I was cheating on the church that I loved so dearly, we reluctantly went to GFC for the first time. Without doubt, I was overwhelmed. CRCC only has a couple hundred people on any given Sunday, GFC a few THOUSAND. Yes, it is definitely, a mega church; however, this is part of the message I heard that day:

'Here's what I know: We are all in different places. Maybe you are in the midst of a really difficult place saying, 'God, where are you? Where are you in all of this?' And you know what He says? He says 'I am here. I have overcome the world. I desire to give you peace, & wholeness & healing. Lean into my goodness; And you may have to endure difficulty, but I am with you. I will never forsake you & I am good.' 

Pastor Danny O’Brien
Sermon:God Is Good

Series: A Good & Beautiful God

September 19, 2010

And I never left. I never left, but the truth is I was feeling discontent at CRCC before dad died. I've even wrote about that discontentment on here before. I don't know if I could ever officially leave either church now bc I love them both, just for different reasons.

And here is what I know - my God, the God that I know & love, is without question the most loving & giving God that I have ever known. Through out this year, my world has been shattered & I have been brought to my knees, only to make me rebuild it again, different than before.

He has put people in my life, who have loved & cared for me, even when I was not able to love & care for myself. I am lucky to be connected with two incredible churches. The people that are in my life now, & whom are supportive, love us no matter the circumstance. This still surprises me each time it happens.

However, when it does happen - I am reminded that My God is a good & beautiful God & I'm forever loved by Him.  Something we all need to be reminded of from time to time.

Update: Daisy

Daisy is well. She made it through the surgery with flying colors. The vet said she is just doing absolutely beautiful. We have to return in a couple of days to get her bandage off then she remains on restriction for two weeks  more until the staples come out.

I was ecstatic to hear that she did so well; now, I'm just praying that she heals nicely & that the infection that remains leaves quickly, now that the source of the infection is gone.  The most difficult part of this all, is watching her be kenneled all the time & not able to have her understand that it for her well being.  She just doesn't understand this all & I think that she thinks she is being punished.

We are managing her pain & she does not seem to be in a lot, but we've been really good about being constant with it, so that she is a comfortable as possible.  She has more anxiety than anything, but she seems to remain calm the most when Pop is around her.

I'm so glad that after she is healed, she won't be in pain anymore & can be happy & healthy again.  I wonder if she knows how much we love her & what a big part of our family she is & always has been.