Saying Sunday: You Don't Deserve Me

"I'm selfish, impatient & a little insecure.  I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle; but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

~ Marilyn Monroe,
American Actress, Model & Singer
(1926-1962)

Stream of Consciousness: Better Than This

Dear So & So,

Hello.  Remember me?  Your so-called best friend?  Hi, how ya doing?  How ya been?  So long, no see... go figure.  Out of respect - & yes, even love - for our friendship, I will leave your name out of this.  As always, I'm writing for myself, so if you read this or not really does not matter.

Where are you?  I don't get it... I really don't.  My dad died, other life things happened, which caused my world to crash.  And for once, the person who was always there for you, needed you.  I reached out, the best I could any way.  You couldn't even return a text.  Who does that?  Not me.

Here it is late at night, & I can't sleep, bc I am thinking abt you.  It's bad enough to miss someone not living anymore, but you -  you are living & sometimes, my heart hurts so much, I cannot breathe.

I keep going over things in my head.  It just doesn't make sense.  So many years of friendship... & it comes down to this?  What the hell?

I'm resisting calling you... here at almost 2 AM.  Do you remember?  Do you remember all those late night talks we would have?  All those nights you needed me.  In my head, I just can't get wrap my brain around anything that would make sense for things to be like they are.  It just doesn't add up.

I wasn't the perfect friend, but I tried.  I was there for you.  I was there for you, even when it was was difficult for me to be.  I don't think I could have been a better friend, but maybe I'm wrong.  For once, I needed you.  I needed you instead of you needing me.  And the thing that really gets me is you knew I needed you.

For once, things flipped-flopped.

Still.  This isn't abt keeping score.  It's abt the fact that I miss you.  Can't you even send me a text sometime?  You, who are attached to your phone.  I would love to see you.  Hear your voice.  I miss laughing with you.  I miss just being with you.

Sure, I get it. It's awkward. Well, it's awkward for me too.  I'm hurt.  I'm hurt bad.  And yes, you did that.  There's no getting around that.

Just admit it, say you're sorry & let's move on.  Aren't we better than this?

I reach out, & pray that you will reach back.  With every text - with every attempt - I wonder if this will be the time that will make things right between us.  Secretly, deep down, I wonder if things will ever be somewhat normal between us again.

I love you.  I always have.  I still do.  I always will love you.  Remember that.  I get that some friends aren't meant to be friends forever, & if that is us... well, then that's us.  I can't do anything abt it.  I won't force you to stay.

I will, however, always be thankful for you & your friendship, for however long you choose to stay.

Love You. Always.

Wordless Wednesday: Simple Pleasures

{Somewhere in PA, 8.17.2012}

Stream of Consciousness: Still Praying

I'm thrilled to be blogging (on a regular basis) again.  I wonder what it will take to get to the point where I am blogging boldly again.

Jake is out of work again.  I know, on here, he never was employed after his layoff last August, but he was... I just never spoke about it publicly.  He had the most amazing job, which he loved.  Still praying that they find away to keep him.  He was in his sweet spot & I loved watching his passion emerge & for him to do what he was created to do. Still praying that something will come through. What?  I do not know.

There are a lot of things that I never speak about on here that I wish I could put words to... I just want the freedom to speak them out loud.  They are not secrets really, but they feel like they are. They are just things that I prefer not to share with everyone.

I have friends that are going through stuff.  I am worried about them.  I don't know the best way to help them, so I pray.  I'm praying a lot lately.  Grateful to have words to my prayers now.  I am glad I have friends that are there for me, even when I retreat. Or try to anyway.  Secretly, I wonder if I will ever be the same again.  

People ask, how can I still praise Him?  I don't know what to tell them, but the truth as I know it - how can I not praise Him? Especially in the storm?  And yes - we are in a storm.  One hell of a storm.   Still trying to trust Him fully.

I breathe deep & wonder when will our turn come?  I feel like it has been non-stop.  Ashamed to admit my faith has been shaken a time or two.  Have we not been faithful?  Does He not know my heart? When is enough just enough?

Still I pray.  I let my tears be my words when no words are to be found.  What else am I to do?  I have no clue.  So I do what I do when I don't know what to do.  In the middle of the storm - pray.

I pray. Still.

Saying Sunday: Set You Free

"The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off."

~ Gloria Steinem,

Feminist, Journalist & Activist,
(1934-   )

Learning To Breathe Again

I breathe deep. And release.  Eyes closed, I breathe in again.

I honestly can't remember the last time I felt like this.  And it feels good.  Yesterday's drive with Kate was both badly needed & amazing.

We laughed, we cried, got lost, got found again & along the way, saw the most beautiful covered bridges & country land ever created.  It not only was therapeutic, but refreshing on the soulful level.  Truly priceless.

I slept well & feel rested. The only tension remains in my shoulders - that will take some time to work out.  For the first time in weeks, I can think clearly, which is - mostly - a good thing.  And to wake & not feel overwhelmed by life... well, that's amazing too.

For the first time in weeks, I have finally can put words to my prayers.

If you are not willing to be brutally honest with yourself though, thinking clearly isn't always a good thing.  Sometimes the truth will piss you off.  And - like it or not - my truth is that I'm angry.  Sure it's painfully obvious now, as I neither wanted to see it nor admit that it was there.

I'm not only angry - I am pissed.

Question is - what do I do now?  I haven't quite figure that out yet, but that's okay.  One step at a time.  This recent set-back may have blindsided me, but I will forever be grateful for the lessons that I have learned & the progression & movement I have had thus far.

For now, I close my eyes, breathe deep & know, without a doubt, that I am loved.

Glimpses

I am exhausted, unable to calm my mind so sleep can settle in. Still retreating, still wanting to hide, I want to run.  From what, to who?  I cannot answer.  I wish I knew.

My thoughts are fleeting.  Emotion overcoming.

Tomorrow, Kate & I will take a drive.  People take for granted the ability they have to do things freely.  Most can just go where they want, when they want.  Must be nice.

I feel trapped.  Unable to get my body to do what I want it to; unable to go where I want, when I want.  Unable to even go everywhere in this house, upstairs has gone unseen.

Somehow, this is supposed to be okay with me.  It's not.

My body holds onto things.  Stress.  Tension.  Many memories - not all bad, not all good either.  The ability to walk upright for long(er) periods of time, just a memory now.  The use of a power chair seems so permanent now.

For every physical thing, there is another that is not... feeling trapped by my unspoken words too.

I want to run.  I want to forget everything, just for awhile.  I want the things I cannot say to come mindlessly pouring out - just let it go... let it all go.

Still, I hold it in, afraid if I let it go, my world will collapse...  where is my safe place?  Where is my safe place to fall?

Will you love me through this?  Will you love me without condition?

I miss me.  As if they were timid, glimpses of who I used to be peer through periodically. I'm here.

And I'm worth fighting for.

Dad: Two Years Gone

{Dad at Winter's Run, 7.26.2005}
24 months.  104 weeks.  730 days. 17,520 hours.  1,051,200 minutes.  63,072,000 seconds.

How do you measure 2 years two years gone by, without someone you love?

By sleepless nights, tears shed, questions asked, prayers prayed, memories remembered?

Or maybe it's by telephone calls not received, conversations missed, errands not run, pool games not played, crabs not shared, hugs not given, I love yous not uttered.

Whatever way you measure it, I'm missing the first man who ever loved me.  And amid the myriad of emotions that overcome me, I'm jealous of the angels today.

"Jealous of the Angels"

By: Jenn Bostic

I miss you, Daddy. Thank you for loving me. I'm holding you as close as I can, longing for the day when we meet again.  Until then, as always, your love continues to live through me.

Love Always - Your Little Girl,

Saying Sunday: The Company We Keep

"The key is to keep company only with people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best."

~Epictetus
Greek Philosopher associated with the Stoics
AD 55-c.135

Friend Request

It's going to rain, I can feel it in my bones.  It's been off & on rain for days now.

From my window, I watch a man, who's wearing a wife-beater & has his long blonde hair pulled back in a ponytail, push an older man in a wheelchair down the middle of our one-way street. Secretly, I wonder what their stories are.

We all have a story.  Some more complicated & complex than others, but it is ours nonetheless.  We can choose to share it or not, with whomever we want.

Likewise, it is like that with our lives too.  Complicated & complex. Share it or not. Sometimes we don't have a choice of who is in our lives, other times we do.  It's just the way things happen.

People annoy me right now.  I just don't have the time, energy or desire to deal with people & their complexities when I have my own.

And, I am definitely not accepting any new friends. Request denied. Or so I thought.

I met Kate exactly a month ago yesterday.  She works at a place that I have chosen to invest my time, energy & love into. Somewhere that holds a very special place in my heart, but that's another post for another time.

When started volunteering there, I didn't expect to become friends with anyone. I didn't even try.  At all.

So imagine my surprise when Kate & I quickly became friends. It feels like we have known each other for forever.  I can't tell you how many times we have said how our friendship feels so easy.  Almost as if we're sisters.

It's been decades since I have made a friend so effortlessly, as it seems natural, totally different than my newly-formed friendships have felt in the past.  Kate & I are very alike in many ways.  Our husbands even get along.  In fact, they are similar in ways too. Go figure.

Since I'm struggling right now, I find it ironic that when I'm retreating from others, I want to be around Kate.  With all my trust issues, you would think I would run from her as fast as I can, but I don't.  Or at least I'm trying very hard not to run, wanting to hide.

She has been an amazing friend to me, which truly sounds strange given that she hasn't been my friend for long.  She probably would say the same about me.  You'd have to ask her though.  I try not to speak for my friends, especially when they can speak for themselves just fine.

With her, my walls are up, then they're down, then they're up again.  And that's okay.  It has to be at the moment, because I just don't have the energy for one more thing in my life not to be okay right now.  I'm more than grateful that she's patient with me.

So for now, as I struggle on, I give thanks all the blessings in my life.  Especially the beautiful ones that I didn't see coming.

Snowstorm

Inward, I retreat.

For over a month, I have disappeared.  Little outings, brief & far between. No church even.  Still.

People ask.  I have no words for them.  I struggle to figure it out myself.  I can't pinpoint it.  All I say is - when I figure it out myself, I will let you know.  That has to be enough for now.

I just can't give what I don't have. Faking it & fake smiles can only get me so far.  I'm overwhelmed.  Struggling for words - the least of my worries.

All I can think is it's a form of grief that needs to work itself out, as the second anniversary of Dad's passing & stuff is rapidly approaching.  I brush over the words "and stuff" like it's nothing, still unable to put words to monumental moments of my life on this very public blog.

I hate that there are walls still around my wounded heart, guarding it from further injury.  Right now, I'm more vulnerable than I have been in a long time, which makes me want to retreat to feel safe.

Even as I retreat, there's a closeness I crave.  A comfort.  A safe place to fall.  There are things that I know to be true, but long for reassurance.

With time, this too shall pass.  

For now, I forge on weathering the storm.


"Snowstorm" By: Jenn Bostic