Trying To Remember

I have had a really rough day today.

Luckily, I have a friend or two that let me vent to them & decompress a little.

Recently, I heard this song & thought it captured my feelings pretty well - of both how I'm feeling & what I am trying to remember.

I thought I'd share.


I could never thank those in my life who are there to remind me of the important things when I need to not only hear them the most, but to remember them the most too.

No Matter The State

I wish could tell you I have all the answers. I don't.

I never did.

Now, questions - well, questions are a different story entirely. I have had those. A million of them.

The past couple of months have been some of toughest I have ever lived through. For reasons that people know, some of which is written on this blog, & for reasons that remain untold & very much unwritten.

I have always been this way. Unable to share things until I was ready. And if on the off chance that something slipped out before the time was right, regret always followed. Always.

I wish I was ready to tell everyone, but I'm not. One day, I will be though, but that day will not be for a while now.

Hours from now, I will be riding in the van for quite some time with Theresa. Now her... her I'm ready to tell now. Trust me when I say that even though I have wanted to tell her for months now, I wasn't ready.

Still, I'm filled with many mixed emotions. And I pray that when the words come they come out like I would prefer them to come, not in some anxiety-induced manic state. I don't know why I'm worried though bc I've already had the conversation with her, for what seems like, a thousand times in my head & in a million different ways.

Whatever will happen today will happen. Whatever will be said will, in fact, be said. And at the end of the day I will feel better. Not bc of what will happen or be said, but bc I get to spend the entire day - out of state - with my friend who just by knowing her makes me want to be a better person.

And she always leaves me in a better place than she found me. Every time. No matter what state.

All I Know

For whatever reason, I've been going back & rereading some old emails & text that I've written to others & others have written to me. I happen to stumble on this & I thought I would share it.

It's something I wrote Theresa FOREVER ago, or at least it seems that way. Well, when I think about it it is not so long ago after all. It was written & sent in the early early hours of the morning on August 13, 2010, before I knew how the day would forever change me.

It is freaky how I sent the email one minute shy of exactly 10 hours before my Dad died. Somehow, the words seem more true now than how they were intended to be received.

I've said it before - sometimes things have to fall apart so that we can rebuild differently & stronger than before. Bc even though it might have appeared that what we had was working for us, maybe it wasn't always the best for us.

You are a great person, mother & friend & you should never forget that. God gave us the ability to love each other, but with that we often pay the costly price of hurting bc love & pain are the best of friends, & you rarely have one without the other.

Life & loss will lead us down many different paths. Each & every path we a supposed to be on, even if it is not the best path or the right path for us in the long run. What is most important is what we lessons we learn & what we take away from the journey.

Wow. How could I know that only in a few short hours that I would so desperately need to hear my own advice, in my own words? And even still need to hear them now, months later?

Actually, if I am to be totally honest, I do remember writing it & I do remember why I wrote it to her, but it wasn't until I noticed that she didn't reply that I looked at the date & everything snapped back in place.

She didn't reply bc she didn't have time before my world came crashing down. All I recall, & I do so vaguely, is that about 12 hours after I wrote that email, sending those words of advice to her - she would sit next to me in a hospital cafeteria as I sit in shock & try to wrap my brain around the fact that I just watched my dad die.

Yes. "...God gave us the ability to love each other, but with that we often pay the costly price of hurting bc love & pain are the best of friends, & you rarely have one without the other." And "Life & loss will lead us down many different paths. Each & every path we a supposed to be on..."

However knowing that is true, I still find myself asking a ton of questions, even months later. I have no clue what path I am on. I have no clue what God has planned for me.

All I know is that He does have a path & plan for me. All I know is there is a reason for this all. All this loss, all this hurt.

All I know & all that I am certain of is that I loved so deeply that I am in such deep pain. After all, you cannot have one without the other. No matter how hard you may try.

Lent 2011: These Late Nights Are Killing Me (Day 8)

Dear T,

It's 4:30 AM & again, I can't sleep. I've been up all night or damn near it in pain. I think rain is near. Its either that or just the change in the weather in general.

Gosh, I can't wait for Wednesday. I am so very ready to tell you everything that I have been holding in. That's a good thing, I guess.

The funny thing about secrets & keeping them is they often hurt the one they are meant to protect. And they often gain power the longer we hold them in.

I'm working on letting things go for Lent. Or trying anyway. Nothing specific, just letting things go in general.

My computer hasn't worked right for days now. Something is wrong with the screen. I can tell you first hand that writing emails to you all via my cell phone is not at all fun, but at least it clears my head a bit, so I tolerate it.

Funny thing when you hugged me last night & said things will get better, I believed you. I know it will get better. It's just a matter of time really.

I have a funny feeling that after we talk & I tell you everything I will feel so much better. The crazy thing is that our friendship is so built on faith & honesty that it feels like lying by not being open & honest with you, which has seem to complicate things a bit.

Jake's alarm should be going off in a little while. Gosh, no one quite understands just how much I love him. He puts up with a lot stuff. Granted, I put up with a lot of stuff too, only in a different way.

I am so tired. I can hardly keep my eyes open. So I'm going to let go a bit & stop fighting myself, hoping that will lead to sleep.In the meantime, keep praying for me. In much need of prayers.

I love you.

Always,

Lent 2011: 2 AM Anxiety Freak Out (Day 3)

It's 2 AM & I can't sleep. Anxiety is getting the best of me.

In 11 days, I am going to friendnap Theresa & take her away out of state for the day. She has no clue where we are headed & I love it that way, so I'll leave where we are going a mystery on here too. At least for now. {:)

For hours now, I have felt nauseated. There is no doubt that I'm being triggered badly & I hate it. Really, really, really hate it.

About a day ago or so, I wrote her an e-mail. And anyone who knows me well, knows that I hate email & that it isn't my favorite choice of communication ever. There is some things that I need to share with her. These things are personal & private. Very personal & very private.

So There are things I need to share that - well, I'm scared to share. Afraid to say. As if they will be real when I speak them. Unable to try & convince myself that it didn't happen.

Not to me. Not again.

I feel as if I'm a child again keeping secrets. God, I hate this feeling. It makes me sick. Literally.

Other then Jake, who only knows bc he is my husband (& well, how could he not know?), I have only told one other person & when that happened it slipped out - in some sort of anxiety-ridden frenzy that was induced by the life events which has occurred these last several months.

If it were up to me - no one would know. Hell, if it were up to me, it wouldn't have happened at all. The truth is I feel so much guilt & shame. I just want it to stop. I want to let it go.

I hate what my life has become.

I'm afraid if I speak out loud, it will change our friendship. I am afraid she won't love me anymore. Bc, let's face it - how in the world could anyone do that, right? I'm a little crazy. Or at least it feels that way.

Nothing makes sense anymore. Nothing.

I have to let go. I have to let go of this. I can't hold onto it anymore. After all, I'm supposed to working on letting go of things for Lent. Right?

We will still be friends. She will still love me. I know this. How? Bc I know her. It's as simple as that. And she will - love me no matter what. She has told me so. And I believe her.

Even though I know that is the the truth, it doesn't feel true. Somewhere along the way, somethings happened to make the truth feel wrong. Lies that are embedded in my brain that I'm not even conscience of are influencing me & my behavior. Those lies need to go away. Go away now.

I need TPM. Seriously.

I am second guessing myself. And I need to stop. Why does every freaking thing need to be so complicated? Friendnapping was supposed to be fun. How did this happen?

I hold my head in my hands & know that it is only a matter of time. I just pray that the words will come when they are meant to come & they are received gently & met with love.

And in the end, I am, indeed, loved no matter what.

Lent 2011: Reflections of Ash Wednesday (Day 2)

Last night, I attended the most amazing Ash Wednesday service at church. It difficult to explain, if you didn't attend.

There was scripture, meditation, a lot of prayer, singing, harp playing. A lot of time to reflect. All which lasted only a short hour, but was amazing.

I cannot lie - as amazing that it was, it was difficult fro me. Everything is difficult it seems now. To focus on ashes, the whole purpose to realize that we were created in our human physical form, which will not last forever. From ashes we were created & to ashes we will return.

Somehow, death is different for me now & I can't explain it. Last night, I spent a lot of time thinking of Dad, myself, crying & remembering how it feels to breath & to not only do it, but do it deeply.

Patsy lead us in the amazing meditation. One that I wish I had a recording of it, so I could do it again. Truly amazing, especially for me. Historically, it is very difficult for me to relax, but last night, at least for a little while it wasn't. My guess is it has lots to do with trust & for whatever reason I was able to be in a place where I felt safe & loved.

I thought a lot about what to give up or add, for that matter, for Lent, something which I should have thought of before yesterday, but didn't. Last year I gave up avoidance, remember? Something that challenged me & change me in many ways. This year, the only thin g I could think of is to make a conscience effort to blog daily.

Then after reflection & much consideration & deep thought - it came to me. For Lent, I'm going to work on letting go. What that means exactly, well, I'm still trying to figure that out. Letting go of what I'm not sure, but I do hope by letting go that I find myself again.