Wednesday, March 23, 2011

No Matter The State

I wish could tell you I have all the answers. I don't.

I never did.

Now, questions - well, questions are a different story entirely. I have had those. A million of them.

The past couple of months have been some of toughest I have ever lived through. For reasons that people know, some of which is written on this blog, & for reasons that remain untold & very much unwritten.

I have always been this way. Unable to share things until I was ready. And if on the off chance that something slipped out before the time was right, regret always followed. Always.

I wish I was ready to tell everyone, but I'm not. One day, I will be though, but that day will not be for a while now.

Hours from now, I will be riding in the van for quite some time with Theresa. Now her... her I'm ready to tell now. Trust me when I say that even though I have wanted to tell her for months now, I wasn't ready.

Still, I'm filled with many mixed emotions. And I pray that when the words come they come out like I would prefer them to come, not in some anxiety-induced manic state. I don't know why I'm worried though bc I've already had the conversation with her, for what seems like, a thousand times in my head & in a million different ways.

Whatever will happen today will happen. Whatever will be said will, in fact, be said. And at the end of the day I will feel better. Not bc of what will happen or be said, but bc I get to spend the entire day - out of state - with my friend who just by knowing her makes me want to be a better person.

And she always leaves me in a better place than she found me. Every time. No matter what state.

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1 comment:

  1. I know what you're talking about! It's weird, because a few days ago I was in the exact same place... I don't share things about myself very easily, but there was this person who I had gotten to know really really good this past month. So when I was freaking out about something, he asked me to tell him what was wrong. It was really difficult to tell him, but in the end it was worth it. He has helped me through it so much already, and even though it's an uphill battle, I'm not struggling alone. My prayers are with you, on giving you the words to say, and on helping her know the right things to say in response!! :( I'm sorry your months have been difficult and I pray that better days of sunshine are to come.


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