Finding What Was Lost

The funny thing about loss is no matter how many times it occurs in my life, I never get used to it. There is nothing like loosing someone I deeply love and care about to make me reevaluate my life and look at life with fresh eyes, often more clearly than before.

The sad part is that in order to see things clearly, I must experience pain a deep - life altering way; in such a way that I never see things the same way again. Ever.

Time ticks on slowly and seconds turn to minutes, minutes turn to hours, hours turn to days, days turn to night then back to days again. I miss many people...

Lynne my cousin who died of cancer in January of 2008 and Pete, a dear friend of nearly 20 years, who died as result of a heart attack January 5, 2009 mostly. I find myself missing them in different ways at different times, yet it really does not seem that different at all when I think about it. Because when all is stripped away, I still feel the same.

Seems that some people don't like the changes I've made in my life recently. I am more to myself, not spending hours on the computer or phone. I am centered on God, myself and my family - just as it should be. I am no longer putting others first if they are not on that list.

I'm not saying others are not on the list, just that they don't come first. This is a change is one that I needed to make for a long time and looking back, I should have made it a long time ago. I guess you can say it was through loss that I gained - gained deeper understanding, deeper love, deeper meaning in life.

It's as if through loss I have found it... found a better me. The me I was supposed to be all along.

A Stepping Stone

Days turn to nights and then days again here. It is an unending cycle. It's hard to believe that it has been a week since my last entry. Valentine's Day came and went. What a wonderful day it was, although it was nothing special about it.

Jake and I spent the day together, and watch a very thought provoking movie called "Fireproof." It's a Christian based movie about marriage. I highly recommend watching it if you are a Christian or married, and it's a must see if you are both.

I have come to not mind Valentine's Day, which is a great improvement then in the past. I hated that day, more than all the rest.

It was the day one of my friends committed suicide and the day I was originally supposed to marry Mark, my "former" fiancee (same day, different years). I used the word former lightly because I think it is awkward to refer to him as that even now, many years later.

See, before we were to marry, Mark was killed by a drunk driver. I guess you could say that his death taught me many lessons. The most important lesson it taught me was my plans had nothing if little to do with God's plan and that is the plan that really mattered most of all.

I guess what changed it for me was looking at what I did have vs. what could have been. Mark was a very important part of my life, and as I see it now, a stepping stone. He very much had a purpose in my life teaching me how to love and how to be loved most of all.

I am a better person because he loved me, truly unconditionally. The ironic thing is when the pain of losing him was so fresh, so new, so deep, I couldn't imagine my life with out him.

Now, my life is not only without him but if I didn't lose him I would not have so many wonderful things in my life, like Jake and his family.

I guess it really is true - Everything does happen for a reason, although the reason may not reveal itself until years later, long after you've stepped off that stepping stone.

Through The Darkness

It's nearly 1 AM in the morning. Jake is snoring and Pee Wee, our 5 year old miniature dachshund, who is more dachshund than miniature, is nestled under the cover beside him.

Ever since I was a teenager I've had trouble sleeping. I don't know exactly how or why it started, but my guess is that my disturbance in my sleep started long before I got diagnosed with severe depression the summer of my eighth grade year.

I am okay now, not suffering from depression and obviously not needing to be on medication for it. The meds were the worse and sometimes I think they did not help as much as they hindered.

Not to talk bad about medication, as that is not my intention. I'm just saying I remember times when I was on the with meds and until we found the right medication and dose, everything was intensified. Put that together with the nasty, harsh, and sometimes unbearable side effects, and it truly was pure hell. God forbid, I was on a med that worked for me and my body built up a tolerance and the med just didn't work anymore. It truly became a vicious cycle and a waiting game.

I would not wish depression on my worst enemy. I am lucky I am still alive. Despite the meds and the countless hours of counsiling, I readily welcomed death numerous times, too many times to count.

If someone asked me to tell them where I was going to be in a week, I honestly could not tell them because all I saw was blackness. I not only attempted suicide but came very close to being successful several times. It was never for attention. I wanted the pain and torture to end and I was willing to do anything to make it stop. Anything.

Depression is tricky. To someone who does not understand it, it is not something you can just "get over" or "think happy thoughts" to "cure." I just wish everyone saw and understood it for what it truly was - a disease.

So how did I get through it? Well, it was not an easy thing to do, especially since my battle with it lasted a few years short of two decades. It was a day by day, hour by hour and, sometimes, minute by minute struggle. Whatever pulled me through the day, I grasped onto knowing that there just had to be something better than the dark days I faced.

However, the real credit goes to my friends because with out them, I would not have survived. Sometimes, I battled with them more than I battled myself. There were a lot of phone calls, late nights, a river's worth of tears, angry words and lots of questions.

These friends were - and still are -amazing. A lot of those friends are still a part of my life, but not all... Even though I may have lost touch, grown apart, went a different path than some of them, it does not mean that I am not thankful for what they gave me.

All of those friends were the ones who believed in me, when I didn't believe in myself. They were the lights in my darkness and they gave me what I needed to truly live.

The Begining of Forever

I am so undoubtedly in love with my husband. I really am.

I have known Jake since 1995, we met at community college. He was one of my best guy friends. We did a lot together - running Disabled Students Association together, both being extremely active on all the clubs on campus, going on leadership retreats etc... I was so smitten by him then it was insane, enough to drive a person crazy if she let it.

He had no clue. The only that knew the total truth was my best friend, Thea. One day, well - several days actually -I confessed my love for him and told her one day I would marry him. Not wanting to risk the great friendship we had, I stayed silent and he remained clueless.

Then in 1999, I graduated and moved on to a University to pursue my next degree. I didn't look back. I couldn't. If I had, I might not have the degrees I do now.

See, the college I was at was, to say the least, warm and fuzzy, but it was on the brink of changing - combining with two other area community colleges to become one college that had many campuses. I had numerous meaningful relationships from there and I feared that if I didn't make a clean break, I would never be able to leave. So I left, leaving everything and everyone behind.

Years later, in 2003, I became a student recruiter for my university and had returned to the very college I had run from four years before. To my surprise (and delight), Jake was still there, so we chatted and I mentioned we should get together. We had exchanged numbers, and I didn't bother to tell him that I still had his number in my address book at home.

Over the next couple of weeks we talked a lot on the phone, which I find ironic now because Jake HATES talking on the phone. We would talk for hours, even falling asleep on each other many nights.

Finally, we went out on March 16, 2003, the day before St. Patrick's Day. We went to see the movie "Bringing Down the House" staring Queen Latifa and Steve Martin at The Avenue. Afterwards we ate dinner at Red Brick Station then went to look around and chat at Barnes and Noble.

I was so giddy. I so loved his eyes. He has a funny thing he does with eyes and eyebrows, some would call it a quirk. I have always loved that about him. Of course, I have always been an eye person, ever since I can remember. And I truly believe, as cliche as it is, that the eyes are the windows of the soul.

Sometime during the evening, I had decided to risk it all. What did I have to lose? Nothing. So right there, in the Barnes and Noble Cafe, I asked him out. He said yes. We kissed and i told him. "I've waited eight years for that kiss." That was the beginning of forever.

You know what's funny about all of this? On one of our phone conversation before that night, I remember telling him that it was strange that over the last few weeks four guys had asked me out and I had turned them all down.

I know what you are thinking, I turned them down because I wanted to be with Jake. Wrong. You couldn't be more wrong. Strangely enough, this occurred in the weeks prior of reconnecting with him. I turned them all down because I didn't fore see my relationship or friendship with them turning into something more. And I so desperately wanted more.

For once, I was happy in my life, content where I was knowing that I was where I was supposed to be. Months prior, I had had enough. Enough of everything. Feeling like I wasn't enough, depressed because I was alone, disconnected from life, being distant from friends, and just hating life. Enough was enough, finally. Coming to that point was difficult but very needed. That's where faith came in.

My faith has been interesting to say the least. There have been many battles throughout my years with God. I love Him so much, yet there were many times when I hated Him. Believe it or not, it is during these times of hatred, discontent and questioning that my faith grew the most. I am a firm believer that prayer does not change God, it changes you. So I did what I had always done, prayed. This time was different though. I surrendered.

"Okay God. You know me, and you know what is best for me. You know and see the ultimate plan for my life, and I know it differs from my plan. I know that You have someone for me to be with and I trust You. I trust that You will send him to me in Your time, not mine. You are one in control, so I am handing it to You. I surrender my all."

Jake is not perfect. Not anywhere near perfect. There are times when he is very much a boy in a man's body; however, I have heard that he's not the only husband with that problem. We fight and disagree, but in the end, we love each other. We have had our struggles, and yes, I wish that he would get would get his act together, for the sake of the family we want. I must say though - I am not perfect either nor have I ever claimed to be.

Relationships - all of them - take work from both parties, it's very difficult to salvage a relationship that is one sided. Believe me. I've have tried. Jake loves me no matter what I've been through, where I came from, no matter how sick I get, how much I weigh or what I look like. Here is the most important though - he loves me no matter how broken I feel. How broken I am. He loves me, for me.

Choosing the Path

When you look Resilient up in the dictionary, this is what you will find:

1. springing back; rebounding.
2. returning to the original form or position after being bent, compressed, or stretched.
3. recovering readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyant.

In some way or another, I am all of these. Years ago, way back in high school, someone asked my friend Gabe to describe me in one word. His reply, "Resilient." At the time, I didn't think much about it, only that it was a great compliment.

It wasn't until years later that I realized that he had known me, as any best friend should, better than anyone and that it was not only a great adjective to describe me, but a truthful one as well.

As for a survivor, I am that too. I have survived many things, all of which I'll eventually touch on, but not at this present moment. However, I think it is safe to say, I've been through it ALL and then some. I see no need to name everything here, at least not at this point.

I used to journal and write all the time. Somewhere along the way, I stopped and I so desperately need to start again. There is something therapeutic in writing for me and I need to get in touch with that again. As I always have, I use writing as a way to purge, work through, sort out my thoughts and feelings, some of which no one knows.

I have been through some major life changes and at this point in time, I'm at a crossroad. I have some life altering choices to make. I don't care who you are, I just know that no one can be at a crossroad, make choices and not have it effect her. I am no exception.

Jake and I married in May of 2005 and it has not been an easy road to say the least, but through it all, we have pulled through and are better for it. It's funny how people will do all these things to prepare for the wedding, but hardly anything to maintain the marriage. How ironic.

I am determined not to be a statistic and to stay the course, no matter what it may bring - good or bad. This is not to say my choices have to do with my husband, but they do effect him, because he is such a huge part of my life.

I have decided that 2009 is the year for me. I will no longer put others ahead of myself time and time again. I will put me first for once. For those who know me, you know this will not be an easy task for me. I have a bad habit of giving others my everything, even when I don't have anything to give. There are certain things I want, need and crave in my life, and obtaining it starts with me.

I can no longer be who everyone wants me to be. I cannot be the perfect wife, daughter, sister, aunt, and friend that others want me to be. That is not good for me or anyone else for that matter. And so it starts here, with this blog.

If you are looking for someone to blow smoke, stretch the truth, or just plain lie - move along. There is nothing but truth here and if you can't handle that, I'm sorry but this isn't for you. The truth is it never was... it's been for me all along.