Saturday, May 9, 2009

Thoughts of You

Dear Mandy,

Here it is after one in the morning and I can't sleep. I find my thoughts drifting to you and am easily overwhelmed lately.

Since you left us, some days are better than others. Your memorial will be on May 23, nine days after my fourth wedding anniversary to Jake. Needless to say, I can't seem to wrap my brain around the fact that you are not here.

I'll be the first to admit, I have not grieved yet, but it is easy to procrastinate given no opportunity for closure.

I am exhausted. It's been raining here for nearly two weeks straight and I miss you giving me weather reports and writing mini novels on my Facebook wall.

It just occurred to me, that the reason I got up out of bed, into my power chair to blog now, is so that I could blog my thoughts and calm my mind for a bit.

Everything is numb. Well, sort of. This rain is causing a lot of pain, with little relief. Able bodied people can never understand what disabled people go through. And you know, I hate pulling the disability card, but I can not change what is true. The truth is the truth.

As I was grieving for another friend years ago, someone once told me something that I like to think is true for you - even if you could come back you wouldn't want to.

I am comforted by the fact that you are running in Heaven now, free from a body that limited you in so many ways, but could never cripple your spirit.

I love you.

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