Saturday, September 18, 2010

Checking In At 2 AM

Dear Linette,

I'm doing okay I guess. I really appreciate you checking in on me. It means so much to me. My days are long & exhausting my nights are even longer. There is no doubt I am in shock. Still numb. Who knew the shock could last this long? I certainly didn't.

I have lost a lot of weight. One of my best friends, Stacey, saw me yesterday & she was at Dad's funeral just mere weeks ago & she says she thinks I have loss 20 to 25 pounds or so, but I don't know for certain. It's not that I'm not eating, it's more like I am overwhelmed by the smallest things of everyday life. Like food, clothes, crowds, & I can make big decisions without question, but it is the small ordinary everyday decisions that overwhelm me the most.

I find myself thinking that I'm missing something. Something that I just can't seem to put my finger on. Often at times I feel I should be doing something like go to the hospital or call to check on him, but then I remember. They say it's totally normal to feel this. And deep down I know this to be true, as I am no stranger to grief at all.

Some days I can barely function & I find myself going through the motions of things automatically like on auto pilot. A lot of the time I feel numb, almost as if I am waking from a deep sleep & not fully awake or aware of my surroundings yet.

Losing a parent is different though. So drastically different. It feels as if I lost half my identity or something, Like half a foundation or at the very least half my history. I am not as close to my Dad's side of the family as I have always longed to be, so in a way I feel as if I lost them too.

Bc my dad left nothing in writing, I find myself asking if I am doing the right thing & wondering if I am going to screw things up or miss a step.

Well, I guess I should be going as it is almost 2:30 AM on Saturday morning. I think I may post this letter to you on my blog as an entry bc I have been finding it difficult to not only blog but to write things that make sense. If you would like to stop by there sometime, there is a picture of my Dad on there as well, as my Aunt Elaine.

A big thank you goes out to you & Tim for keeping us in your prayers. We miss you so very much, me especially. Say Hello to Tim for me & give Ester a kiss & hug for me.

In Love & Friendship,

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