21 Days

Dear Dad,

It's been three weeks since you left us, or 21 days, which ever way I say it - it does not matter - it still sucks.

My phone is so quiet, it is maddening. I miss your calls, I miss your voice. I miss your never ending list of things that you want from the stores. I miss your questions, about everything. I miss your never ending knowledge & frustration & enthusiasm for the online game we always played together.

I am sad you're gone, but everything seems so complicated now. Why in the hell didn't you put anything in writing? I'm so angry that you didn't, but to tell you the truth, I can't even worry about dealing with any anger or anything I feel right now, there is still so much to be done.

I am still going through life numb. I don't know how long this will last, but something tells me I shouldn't question it. It was just so hard getting everything in your apartment taken care of just a mere 14 days after your death. That was just last Friday. I didn't even have time to think straight.

And do you think I knew that Aunt Elaine would die only 9 days after you? Or be buried exactly 7 days after you were buried? Who could know that? Who could even be prepared for that? Who can even comprehend that? Not me.

I can't even grasp that you are gone.

I am going through the motions. In a fog. Amazed that time passes like it does. Where did the rest of August go? Can it really be September already? With Fall right around the corner? What the hell?

I know you always said, "Don't cry for me when I am gone. When it's my time, it's my time." But seriously? Emotion is emotion & I know it's perfectly okay to cry, especially when grieving. So why can't I cry? Instead I get overwhelmed & always tell people I am scared. What the hell is that about?

Gosh, I miss you. Why did you leave me with so many questions, yet again.

Love, Your Little Girl,